Man. I REALLY get this lately.
It's difficult when something familiar becomes unsafe. A house, a marriage, a relationship, a friendship. The one thing you used to count on to be your haven turns cold with a giant elephant the only decoration. Where once you could let down your hair, now you keep it clipped up. Buttoned up. Trying to close down the vulnerability previously shown. You recognize the need for change but are unsure how to achieve it. You wish for your heart not to hurt. To not close down the other havens, but trust in everything seems shaky.
The problem with faltering havens, for me, is that I'm not a duck and cover kind of girl. Sure, I try. But I would much rather air it out. Talk it to death and then talk a little more. There is a line in one of my favorite Better Than Ezra songs that says, "I love it when we fight. It makes me think at least you still care". I believe that to my core. I'm a bull in the china shop kind of girl. Exhausted from talking? Are we done? No? Then I don't care. We're talking more. I know I should be a little more duck like, but I need to get to the heart of the matter, instead. I need to talk and figure it out. I need to try. And at the end, if there is nothing left, that is one thing. But to not even try to restore. That is not me. I don't hide.
My havens are important to me. They allow me to be me. The real me that not everyone sees, letting that hair down. And when one is threatened, I get nervous. And sad. And a little fired up to make it right again.
(set fire to the rain, adele)
