I have a condition. I was diagnosed with it nearly five years ago. I'm still pretty in denial about it (I still refer to it as "alleged"), I never talk about it and few people know about it. It's not life threatening, but it is life altering. I can feel crappish a good deal of the time if I don't take the precautions necessary to keep it in check.
I don't like talking about it for a lot of reasons. It makes me sound old, I'm pretty angry about it, I hate thinking that I have it, I don't want it to be a burden or have it affect the way I live my life or have it become an excuse for anything. As it is, I sometimes have to cancel plans because I just CANNOT do something and I usually make up excuses - anything except the truth. Which can usually be summed up by saying "I can't ________ because I feel crappy". Truth or no, it just sounds lame.
However, one DEFINITE problem with this condition is that with it comes a lot of other symptoms. None are bad on their own, but several mimic other serious conditions and at least once a week, I play "condition roulette". The feeling like crap I can deal with, but the constant not KNOWING kills me. Is it x or is it y? And it doesn't ever seem to get easier, the knowing. It doesn't ever seem to become more clear how to read my body.
Last night I was faced with such a dilemma. Isaac's had a cold all week and I felt itchy in my nose, achy throughout and tired. Am I getting Isaac's cold or is this just my body telling me I need to go to bed earlier and stop stressing about the house? 24 hours later and I'm still not sure, though I'm leaning toward the latter. And, sadly, I've let it wash over me today, this poor picked on feeling. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of trying to figure out why I feel like this - the why me line of thinking - when there are millions of other mid-30s people who are just fine. But mostly I get overwhelmed. I'm going to feel like this for the next 50 years and that thought overwhelms me to the point of tears. Most days I get that this is just how it is and I deal. But on days like today, 50 years of hurt looming in front of me, seems, well, overwhelming. And a really long time. So if you need me tonight, sorry. I can't do, well, anything. I'm feeling pretty crappy.
Song for a Sunday:
(t'pau, heart and soul)
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Seriously...
I'm having one of those "you HAVE GOT to be kidding" spans of time. Ok, really just yesterday, but still.
Since seriously considering the new house, Isaac and I have adjusted our budget to make sure we can float two mortgages until we can get our current house sold. And since swine flu hit so hard here in October, Sammy and I have been staying home more often than not as a precaution. Those two forces combined in some super crappy rain on my head moment yesterday that found me in Borders buying a recycling truck duplo set for Sammy, a book for Sammy and a book for me (that Isaac has temporarily stolen). On the credit card. That I NEVER use. Especially never since the new budget went into effect. But, gosh darn it! I wanted them, so I bought them. While leaving Borders, I backed right into a nice little woman's car. Do we all remember what I do when I get flustered and upset? That's right, by the end of the exchanging information period, I had HER consoling ME for hitting HER car because I was crying and she was just so very nice and not that upset and here's hoping it's a minor "pop the dent back out" kind of fix that we don't even have to use our insurance for. (As a side note, though, my car, fine, I was going maybe 2 miles an hour and literally just DID NOT see her pulling out as well. 36 years accident free down the tubes...)
I was fairly upset about that most of the evening, but had a lovely distraction in the form of knitting night with Lora. Yay! We still don't know what we're doing and HER knitting started requiring math, which means I may never attempt anything other than a scarf. Which requires no math. (Aside #2: I had a dream last night where a snarky bank teller was mocking me and I yelled at her for assuming I couldn't do math. I blame the knitting...)
This morning I was greeted by an email from my bank informing me that they took an overdraft amount / fee out of my savings and put it into my checking. Which, hello! I get the message! Stop spending freaking money! But on the other hand, I don't bounce things. My checking account is balanced to the penny at least twice a week. So, I'm 99% sure this was a mistake of some sort, but after the day I had yesterday, I wouldn't be surprised if I bought something in my sleep in an act of financial rebellion and did this to myself. Because that's apparently how I did things yesterday. And to make everything worse*, Isaac's sick so I haven't been able to watch Glee yet. I may have to Tivo cheat on Isaac today for the first time in a long time...
Music to squander your savings to:
(rooney, when did your heart go missing)
*just so you know, things aren't really THAT bad and i'm in a fairly good mood. while everything stated really DID happen, I'm fine and our finances are also fine. as long as a dent bump out of that lady's car doesn't cost a zillion dollars...
Since seriously considering the new house, Isaac and I have adjusted our budget to make sure we can float two mortgages until we can get our current house sold. And since swine flu hit so hard here in October, Sammy and I have been staying home more often than not as a precaution. Those two forces combined in some super crappy rain on my head moment yesterday that found me in Borders buying a recycling truck duplo set for Sammy, a book for Sammy and a book for me (that Isaac has temporarily stolen). On the credit card. That I NEVER use. Especially never since the new budget went into effect. But, gosh darn it! I wanted them, so I bought them. While leaving Borders, I backed right into a nice little woman's car. Do we all remember what I do when I get flustered and upset? That's right, by the end of the exchanging information period, I had HER consoling ME for hitting HER car because I was crying and she was just so very nice and not that upset and here's hoping it's a minor "pop the dent back out" kind of fix that we don't even have to use our insurance for. (As a side note, though, my car, fine, I was going maybe 2 miles an hour and literally just DID NOT see her pulling out as well. 36 years accident free down the tubes...)
I was fairly upset about that most of the evening, but had a lovely distraction in the form of knitting night with Lora. Yay! We still don't know what we're doing and HER knitting started requiring math, which means I may never attempt anything other than a scarf. Which requires no math. (Aside #2: I had a dream last night where a snarky bank teller was mocking me and I yelled at her for assuming I couldn't do math. I blame the knitting...)
This morning I was greeted by an email from my bank informing me that they took an overdraft amount / fee out of my savings and put it into my checking. Which, hello! I get the message! Stop spending freaking money! But on the other hand, I don't bounce things. My checking account is balanced to the penny at least twice a week. So, I'm 99% sure this was a mistake of some sort, but after the day I had yesterday, I wouldn't be surprised if I bought something in my sleep in an act of financial rebellion and did this to myself. Because that's apparently how I did things yesterday. And to make everything worse*, Isaac's sick so I haven't been able to watch Glee yet. I may have to Tivo cheat on Isaac today for the first time in a long time...
Music to squander your savings to:
(rooney, when did your heart go missing)
*just so you know, things aren't really THAT bad and i'm in a fairly good mood. while everything stated really DID happen, I'm fine and our finances are also fine. as long as a dent bump out of that lady's car doesn't cost a zillion dollars...
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Things I know for sure:
*I know I'm a strong, opinionated woman.
*I know that deep down, I'm insecure and standing on shaky Bambi legs 95% of the time.
*I know I have dreams and desires and that I can, with enough work, fulfill them.
*I know I require more than I am willing to give, more than I sometimes want to give and fail more often than I would like to admit.
*I know I know less than I did when I was 20.
*I know that at any given moment, my family room looks as if a toy store exploded into it.
*I know that I am capable of living life alone.
*I know that since I am capable of living life alone, that choosing to live it with the greatest partner known to me is a great blessing.
*I know that I have lived through the horrible, struggled with the insurmountable, flirted with the fire and lived to tell the tale.
*I know Starbucks with new girlfriends is the boon to life.
*I know my heart breaks every day over tiny little things.
*I know that the greatest disappointment in my life stems from within.
*I know that Glee and take out is my favorite date.
*I know that if you have a serious fashion blunder happening, I WILL silently mock you. I also know I'll feel horrible about it.
*I know confronting the one thing that has been eating at you and getting non-scary back is liberating.
*I know that I miss my far away friends daily and have ridiculous gratitude for new friends continually.
*I know cream cheese is the face of all that is good and right in the world.
*I know that my life is so good that I sometimes hold my breath, just waiting for the bad while I should be living the good more fully.
*I know this man, for me, is the single greatest lyricist ever.
(crowded house, fingers of love)
*I know that deep down, I'm insecure and standing on shaky Bambi legs 95% of the time.
*I know I have dreams and desires and that I can, with enough work, fulfill them.
*I know I require more than I am willing to give, more than I sometimes want to give and fail more often than I would like to admit.
*I know I know less than I did when I was 20.
*I know that at any given moment, my family room looks as if a toy store exploded into it.
*I know that I am capable of living life alone.
*I know that since I am capable of living life alone, that choosing to live it with the greatest partner known to me is a great blessing.
*I know that I have lived through the horrible, struggled with the insurmountable, flirted with the fire and lived to tell the tale.
*I know Starbucks with new girlfriends is the boon to life.
*I know my heart breaks every day over tiny little things.
*I know that the greatest disappointment in my life stems from within.
*I know that Glee and take out is my favorite date.
*I know that if you have a serious fashion blunder happening, I WILL silently mock you. I also know I'll feel horrible about it.
*I know confronting the one thing that has been eating at you and getting non-scary back is liberating.
*I know that I miss my far away friends daily and have ridiculous gratitude for new friends continually.
*I know cream cheese is the face of all that is good and right in the world.
*I know that my life is so good that I sometimes hold my breath, just waiting for the bad while I should be living the good more fully.
*I know this man, for me, is the single greatest lyricist ever.
(crowded house, fingers of love)
Monday, November 16, 2009
This One and True Life
I stayed home with Sammy yesterday (week...seven? of the sporadic runny nose) and decided to finally do something will all of my apples. After downing four cups of cherry hot chocolate to help with my dry sinuses, I failed to open my comments for Holly's apple crumble recipe and decided to wing it. Because that's honestly how I cook. I was planning on cooking cranberries down in a sugar mixture and then slowly adding the apples and topping them with an oatmeal crumble. However, I got the pan too hot and burnt a little of the sugar on the bottom. I knew I could save it, so I tossed in the first thing I could think of: lowfat evaporated milk and cornstarch to thicken. Completely forgetting that doing so would make a fabulous caramel sauce. What a fortunate accident.
It's the 20th anniversary of Say Anything. Wow. And I thought this was awesome. "I gave her my heart and she gave me a...pen."
I recently met a local blog person (well, I'll officially meet her today!) and through getting to know her, an entire world has appeared to me. Links to links to links and I've started thinking about ways to market myself and my writing. First up is cleaning up the blog a bit and making sure everything that's out there is what I'm comfortable with. I don't really write about things that would embarrass me, but a double check is always good!
I watched season one of The Lazy Environmentalist yesterday. A lot of really good stuff. One episode focused on sustainable plants / landscaping and Isaac and I started talking about our new yard. It's completely barren and unlandscaped, which is great. We've spent the past year clearing out stupid landcaping on this house, so we're looking forward to getting this yard how we want. We will definitely be talking to the Water Wise people and to the students on campus who do sustainable landscaping. I want to focus my water money to the things that are important: a garden and my showers, not to keeping vegetation that has no business growing here alive. Good thing we're in a new subdivision, so our lawn, while under construction, won't be the worst eyesore in the neighborhood!
We have had six calls on our house in the 10 days it's been for sale. I wish I knew averages on how many inquiries = selling. Because we're feeling pretty good about the traffic, but could, really, be off in our happiness!
It snowed on Saturday. Cold, snowy, quiet. I may have listened to Christmas music yesterday as a result. Maybe.
I have a therapy appointment this week. Not at all looking forward to it. While, I suppose, it will be nice to have someone here to check in with once in awhile, I hate therapy. The better therapy appointment will be later that same night when Lora comes over for our monthly knitting date (are we still on this week?). And that one is free...
Music to start the week:
(cutting crew, (i just) died in your arms)
It's the 20th anniversary of Say Anything. Wow. And I thought this was awesome. "I gave her my heart and she gave me a...pen."
I recently met a local blog person (well, I'll officially meet her today!) and through getting to know her, an entire world has appeared to me. Links to links to links and I've started thinking about ways to market myself and my writing. First up is cleaning up the blog a bit and making sure everything that's out there is what I'm comfortable with. I don't really write about things that would embarrass me, but a double check is always good!
I watched season one of The Lazy Environmentalist yesterday. A lot of really good stuff. One episode focused on sustainable plants / landscaping and Isaac and I started talking about our new yard. It's completely barren and unlandscaped, which is great. We've spent the past year clearing out stupid landcaping on this house, so we're looking forward to getting this yard how we want. We will definitely be talking to the Water Wise people and to the students on campus who do sustainable landscaping. I want to focus my water money to the things that are important: a garden and my showers, not to keeping vegetation that has no business growing here alive. Good thing we're in a new subdivision, so our lawn, while under construction, won't be the worst eyesore in the neighborhood!
We have had six calls on our house in the 10 days it's been for sale. I wish I knew averages on how many inquiries = selling. Because we're feeling pretty good about the traffic, but could, really, be off in our happiness!
It snowed on Saturday. Cold, snowy, quiet. I may have listened to Christmas music yesterday as a result. Maybe.
I have a therapy appointment this week. Not at all looking forward to it. While, I suppose, it will be nice to have someone here to check in with once in awhile, I hate therapy. The better therapy appointment will be later that same night when Lora comes over for our monthly knitting date (are we still on this week?). And that one is free...
Music to start the week:
(cutting crew, (i just) died in your arms)
Thursday, November 12, 2009
What A Difference A Day Makes...
Fifteen years ago today, I got married for the first time. I remember a horrible blizzard and listening to Radiohead's Creep on the way to the ceremony, but most other details of that day have been lost. I was marrying for a lot of the right reasons (love) but, also, for a lot of the wrong (mad at my former best friend, fear, desperation, resignation). I was so nervous that morning and nearly backed out several times, but (obviously) didn't. Fifteen years ago. Truly and honestly a lifetime.
Some years I remember. Others, it doesn't hit me until well into December. This year, for so many reasons, I remember. I remember for what it was and is in my life: a milestone, a growing period, a trial, a blessing, a memory, a minor blip on the overall landscape, my story, my part of a greater story, a journey to meeting Isaac. Fifteen years ago the map of my life started showing the depth of adulthood. The twists and turns since have only deepened. Fifteen years ago brought me to who I am today. I don't regret it. I don't feel badly toward it. It is what it is and I feel fine.
Music that seems...appropriate, for the day:
(tori amos, china)
Some years I remember. Others, it doesn't hit me until well into December. This year, for so many reasons, I remember. I remember for what it was and is in my life: a milestone, a growing period, a trial, a blessing, a memory, a minor blip on the overall landscape, my story, my part of a greater story, a journey to meeting Isaac. Fifteen years ago the map of my life started showing the depth of adulthood. The twists and turns since have only deepened. Fifteen years ago brought me to who I am today. I don't regret it. I don't feel badly toward it. It is what it is and I feel fine.
Music that seems...appropriate, for the day:
(tori amos, china)
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
The Thoughts Inside My Head
*I'm so incredibly disappointed about the abortion clause in the House health care bill. This may be the first time I've been this profoundly disappointed in the past year. I realize that cooler (saner!) heads may ultimately prevail, but it's still such a blow.
*Sammy has another (still) runny nose. My head MAY explode. I realize that I should just be grateful that it's only a runny nose and he doesn't ususally get sicker than that, but geez! I swear his nose has been running since September. Should he have hit some sort of snot quota by now?
*Isaac's only comment to yesterday's post was "McHottyPants?". Heh. That made me laugh.
*Sammy's been waking up lately saying his feet/legs hurt. I was stumped until I put a pair of his brand new, down past his heels sweats on him yesterday. They now come up to his ankles. These are a month old! I bought them a size up on purpose! I already have a 3 1/2 feet tall THREE year old. NOT STOPPED GROWING since he was born. It must be the milk he's addicted to...
*Sammy was lifting weights with Isaac the other night. He picked up a set and it literally toppled him over backward. He was fine, but I nearly popped a lung from laughing so hard. It was hilarious!
*I have a writting deadline of December 1st. HA!
*We've had 3 people call about our house. One came and looked at it and another should be coming by tomorrow. If all goes well, we'll close on the new house the week of Thanksgiving and move over the next couple of weeks. Did I mention my Dec 1st writing deadline? Ha, again!
*The DC sniper was executed last night. Didn't that seem super fast to anyone else?
*This did my heart good. Such a good step!
*Glee is back tonight. I'm ridiculously excited. Which, I'm sure, makes me wholly pathetic!
*I have apples, but don't want to make a pie. Suggestions?
Song for Sesame Street:
(cake, mahna mahna - Sammy's favorite!)
*Sammy has another (still) runny nose. My head MAY explode. I realize that I should just be grateful that it's only a runny nose and he doesn't ususally get sicker than that, but geez! I swear his nose has been running since September. Should he have hit some sort of snot quota by now?
*Isaac's only comment to yesterday's post was "McHottyPants?". Heh. That made me laugh.
*Sammy's been waking up lately saying his feet/legs hurt. I was stumped until I put a pair of his brand new, down past his heels sweats on him yesterday. They now come up to his ankles. These are a month old! I bought them a size up on purpose! I already have a 3 1/2 feet tall THREE year old. NOT STOPPED GROWING since he was born. It must be the milk he's addicted to...
*Sammy was lifting weights with Isaac the other night. He picked up a set and it literally toppled him over backward. He was fine, but I nearly popped a lung from laughing so hard. It was hilarious!
*I have a writting deadline of December 1st. HA!
*We've had 3 people call about our house. One came and looked at it and another should be coming by tomorrow. If all goes well, we'll close on the new house the week of Thanksgiving and move over the next couple of weeks. Did I mention my Dec 1st writing deadline? Ha, again!
*The DC sniper was executed last night. Didn't that seem super fast to anyone else?
*This did my heart good. Such a good step!
*Glee is back tonight. I'm ridiculously excited. Which, I'm sure, makes me wholly pathetic!
*I have apples, but don't want to make a pie. Suggestions?
Song for Sesame Street:
(cake, mahna mahna - Sammy's favorite!)
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Don't Stand So Close...
I was reading an article of consequential strangers in our lives and, as I pondered the people I see but don't know, I started thinking of all of the people that were in my life for a brief amount of time that I DID know and how they shaped who I am. This led me to thinking about Professor McHottyPants.
During my last year of college, I was very much in love with one of my professors. I was 24 and so very impressed to have skipped this part of college, when it happened. I walked into that classroom and *BAM*. I don't know how much of this was circumstance (I was separated and miserable) or real (he was just older than me, stinking smart and hot), but I had a raging little crush on him. To make matters worse (or...better), he lived just down the street from me. I could almost see his house from my kitchen window. It wasn't a long crush, I had enough in my life at the time to deal with, but it was an important one. It was the first one to let me know that my heart wasn't completely broken. It was the first one to let me know that after the pain, I would be ok. But on a higher plane, it also let me look into who I really wanted to be.
School was easy for me. I could coast and do the minimum and it was still above average. His classes were different. I actually wanted to do my very best. I actually wanted to excel. We became friends (which was probably inappropriate, but...eh) and I remember talking him one night at, uh, let's say a restaurant, a bunch of us were all at for an outside of class activity brainstorming session. As the evening was drawing to a close, Mr. MHP and I found ourselves talking of life and love and my plans for the future. It was then that I actually saw, for the very first time, what I could be if I just worked a little harder than "coasting". He talked to me like an equal and, at the time, he was the smartest man I knew. Amazing as it was, it was easy to believe I WAS his equal, right there at that moment. And that moment turned into a belief and a conscious desire to be the best, the smartest I could.
I'm certain he wouldn't know who I was should I see him today, but he has a permanent place in my memory. He was the reason I started working in a different field than I had always imagined. He was the reason I unleashed this side of my passions I never knew about. He was the reason my faith and ego didn't completely falter during the most hellish year of my life. He was the reason I picked myself up and stood tall. He was the reason I did anything for a little while after graduation. He was sorely needed in my life at that time. And he knows none of this. Which is as it should be.
(pet shop boys, heart)
During my last year of college, I was very much in love with one of my professors. I was 24 and so very impressed to have skipped this part of college, when it happened. I walked into that classroom and *BAM*. I don't know how much of this was circumstance (I was separated and miserable) or real (he was just older than me, stinking smart and hot), but I had a raging little crush on him. To make matters worse (or...better), he lived just down the street from me. I could almost see his house from my kitchen window. It wasn't a long crush, I had enough in my life at the time to deal with, but it was an important one. It was the first one to let me know that my heart wasn't completely broken. It was the first one to let me know that after the pain, I would be ok. But on a higher plane, it also let me look into who I really wanted to be.
School was easy for me. I could coast and do the minimum and it was still above average. His classes were different. I actually wanted to do my very best. I actually wanted to excel. We became friends (which was probably inappropriate, but...eh) and I remember talking him one night at, uh, let's say a restaurant, a bunch of us were all at for an outside of class activity brainstorming session. As the evening was drawing to a close, Mr. MHP and I found ourselves talking of life and love and my plans for the future. It was then that I actually saw, for the very first time, what I could be if I just worked a little harder than "coasting". He talked to me like an equal and, at the time, he was the smartest man I knew. Amazing as it was, it was easy to believe I WAS his equal, right there at that moment. And that moment turned into a belief and a conscious desire to be the best, the smartest I could.
I'm certain he wouldn't know who I was should I see him today, but he has a permanent place in my memory. He was the reason I started working in a different field than I had always imagined. He was the reason I unleashed this side of my passions I never knew about. He was the reason my faith and ego didn't completely falter during the most hellish year of my life. He was the reason I picked myself up and stood tall. He was the reason I did anything for a little while after graduation. He was sorely needed in my life at that time. And he knows none of this. Which is as it should be.
(pet shop boys, heart)
Monday, November 9, 2009
Book Review
I just finished Elna Baker's The New York Regional Mormon Singles Halloween Dance. While it's not really an LDS book (I certainly wouldn't want my young teens reading it...and I can't imagine my parents reading it, either!), it's still an LDS book. As in Elna is LDS, lives her religion (mostly) and writes about her stories. However, there's a fair amount of swearing and a whole lot of sex for there not actually being any sex in it and it is, much to LOTS of leaders dismay, I'm assuming, more true to life than anything you can currently pick up at your local church book store.
I don't know what I really expected picking this up. I expected it to be funny, which it was. I expected it to bash the church a lot, which it doesn't. But I never expected it to have so much heart and soul in it. And I didn't expect it to ring as true to my own life as it did. I was reminded of my year after my divorce a lot; dating and trying to explain my divorce to those who would view me as damaged. Trying to find out what I really wanted from life and a partner. And even though her stories are uniquely hers (and mostly uniquely New York), I think her doubts and struggles to find who SHE wants to be while staying true to her religion is a wider story. You don't find many LDS people as honest as she. You don't find many who readily admit they don't have close to any answers and struggle so openly. I found the entire book refreshing, as well as laugh out loud funny.
One of my favorite essays from the book is also part of her stand up. It may be because I enjoy the people who can't say vagina and, well, if that offends you for some crazy reason, you should definitely not watch this clip.
Music for a Monday:
(matt pond PA; sunlight)
I don't know what I really expected picking this up. I expected it to be funny, which it was. I expected it to bash the church a lot, which it doesn't. But I never expected it to have so much heart and soul in it. And I didn't expect it to ring as true to my own life as it did. I was reminded of my year after my divorce a lot; dating and trying to explain my divorce to those who would view me as damaged. Trying to find out what I really wanted from life and a partner. And even though her stories are uniquely hers (and mostly uniquely New York), I think her doubts and struggles to find who SHE wants to be while staying true to her religion is a wider story. You don't find many LDS people as honest as she. You don't find many who readily admit they don't have close to any answers and struggle so openly. I found the entire book refreshing, as well as laugh out loud funny.
One of my favorite essays from the book is also part of her stand up. It may be because I enjoy the people who can't say vagina and, well, if that offends you for some crazy reason, you should definitely not watch this clip.
Music for a Monday:
(matt pond PA; sunlight)
Friday, November 6, 2009
I Can Read!
Book club. I'm going to love it, I can just feel it! This month we're reading The Bright Side of Disaster by Katherine Center. I'm excited. I loved, loved her other book so much; I'm sincerely looking forward to this one. I think we have a great group of girls assembled, all who love to read and have a night off! I'm anxious for everyone to start getting to know everyone else and it becoming completely comfortable.
I got home last night, mortified, however. When I'm nervous or anxious or flustered or the attention is on me, I get wordy. I talk way too much. So, I found myself chatting a LOT last night. I'm sure I embarrassed myself several times... I complained to Isaac about this and he just kind of laughed, like it was a given and something everyone knows about me, so not to be too hard on myself. I just wish I had clammed up instead! You would think a grown woman would have control over these things by now...Luckily I had a lovely peppermint hot chocolate to distract me part of the time.
I sincerely love my life. Things are so good right now. I'm again amazed at what a night off with friends will do for a state of mind. Such a simple thing, but so necessary to my sanity!
What's in my head today:
(every beat of the heart, railway children: this song reminds me of high school and one of my best friends. i lost track of it several years ago and for some reason convinced myself it was by the mighty lemon drops. i kept getting frustrated that i couldn't find it by them (i wasn't about to ask my sister and admit to not remembering it!). this past week while cleaning up my music library, i stumbled onto it again and felt like an idiot that i had the band wrong all this time. good news is that i've been singing it ever since!)
I got home last night, mortified, however. When I'm nervous or anxious or flustered or the attention is on me, I get wordy. I talk way too much. So, I found myself chatting a LOT last night. I'm sure I embarrassed myself several times... I complained to Isaac about this and he just kind of laughed, like it was a given and something everyone knows about me, so not to be too hard on myself. I just wish I had clammed up instead! You would think a grown woman would have control over these things by now...Luckily I had a lovely peppermint hot chocolate to distract me part of the time.
I sincerely love my life. Things are so good right now. I'm again amazed at what a night off with friends will do for a state of mind. Such a simple thing, but so necessary to my sanity!
What's in my head today:
(every beat of the heart, railway children: this song reminds me of high school and one of my best friends. i lost track of it several years ago and for some reason convinced myself it was by the mighty lemon drops. i kept getting frustrated that i couldn't find it by them (i wasn't about to ask my sister and admit to not remembering it!). this past week while cleaning up my music library, i stumbled onto it again and felt like an idiot that i had the band wrong all this time. good news is that i've been singing it ever since!)
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Ye Of Little Faith
I'm not known for my great faith. It's something I've always struggled with. I vastly prefer data and proof and assurances and hand holding. I've never been one to jump and do something just because. If it's stupid, it's stupid and no, you won't be able to talk me into it!
We were approved to buy the new house. Financing is fine (apparently if you have no debt and good credit, you don't need to sell your house first to be approved...who knew?), offer was accepted. We could technically close the week of Thanksgiving. Neither of us FEEL one way or the other. Actually, that's not entirely true. We both think if we can swing it, it's a really good move for us, with Isaac feeling we should try. If we could sell this house tomorrow, we'd buy the new house in a heartbeat, no question. But since that isn't going to happen, we are looking over our finances very carefully and making sure that, worst case, we can swing two mortgages for awhile (which, TECHNICALLY - ON PAPER, we can). We aren't anticipating this house not selling for a long period of time, but who knows? Since we haven't sold our house yet, we can't put a full 20% down like we would like. That increases our payment. Once we sell the house, we can pay up to the 20% and get rid of the mortgage insurance payment and all will be well. Where's the wealthy relative to borrow the rest of the 20% down payment when you need them?
So, the options are these:
1. Go for it, full tilt. Remember how to eek out every penny to cover the bills and live like beyond poor college students until the house sells all the while PRAYING Isaac doesn't have a crap month of work. Know that once our house sells, we'll actually come out even or ahead.
2. Resubmit our offer contingent on our house selling first. Understand that our great rate may go away as well as having someone else buy the new house out from under us.
3. Option 1 while trying to rent our current house, knowing that we may not find renters.
4. Withdraw our offer and stay where we are, never to speak of this week again.
5. Buy it, not try to sell current house and just rent it (blech).
6. Become friends with someone who has an extra $15,000 to loan us until the house sells, at which time we can totally pay them back.
I'm thinking option 6 is the most doable, right? If only someone could tell me when this house would sell. Then I could comfortably make a decision...
The song that's in my head:
(science is real, they might be giants - thanks, sammy...)
We were approved to buy the new house. Financing is fine (apparently if you have no debt and good credit, you don't need to sell your house first to be approved...who knew?), offer was accepted. We could technically close the week of Thanksgiving. Neither of us FEEL one way or the other. Actually, that's not entirely true. We both think if we can swing it, it's a really good move for us, with Isaac feeling we should try. If we could sell this house tomorrow, we'd buy the new house in a heartbeat, no question. But since that isn't going to happen, we are looking over our finances very carefully and making sure that, worst case, we can swing two mortgages for awhile (which, TECHNICALLY - ON PAPER, we can). We aren't anticipating this house not selling for a long period of time, but who knows? Since we haven't sold our house yet, we can't put a full 20% down like we would like. That increases our payment. Once we sell the house, we can pay up to the 20% and get rid of the mortgage insurance payment and all will be well. Where's the wealthy relative to borrow the rest of the 20% down payment when you need them?
So, the options are these:
1. Go for it, full tilt. Remember how to eek out every penny to cover the bills and live like beyond poor college students until the house sells all the while PRAYING Isaac doesn't have a crap month of work. Know that once our house sells, we'll actually come out even or ahead.
2. Resubmit our offer contingent on our house selling first. Understand that our great rate may go away as well as having someone else buy the new house out from under us.
3. Option 1 while trying to rent our current house, knowing that we may not find renters.
4. Withdraw our offer and stay where we are, never to speak of this week again.
5. Buy it, not try to sell current house and just rent it (blech).
6. Become friends with someone who has an extra $15,000 to loan us until the house sells, at which time we can totally pay them back.
I'm thinking option 6 is the most doable, right? If only someone could tell me when this house would sell. Then I could comfortably make a decision...
The song that's in my head:
(science is real, they might be giants - thanks, sammy...)
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