What A Difference A Day Makes...

Fifteen years ago today, I got married for the first time. I remember a horrible blizzard and listening to Radiohead's Creep on the way to the ceremony, but most other details of that day have been lost. I was marrying for a lot of the right reasons (love) but, also, for a lot of the wrong (mad at my former best friend, fear, desperation, resignation). I was so nervous that morning and nearly backed out several times, but (obviously) didn't. Fifteen years ago. Truly and honestly a lifetime.

Some years I remember. Others, it doesn't hit me until well into December. This year, for so many reasons, I remember. I remember for what it was and is in my life: a milestone, a growing period, a trial, a blessing, a memory, a minor blip on the overall landscape, my story, my part of a greater story, a journey to meeting Isaac. Fifteen years ago the map of my life started showing the depth of adulthood. The twists and turns since have only deepened. Fifteen years ago brought me to who I am today. I don't regret it. I don't feel badly toward it. It is what it is and I feel fine.

Music that seems...appropriate, for the day:

(tori amos, china)

The Thoughts Inside My Head

*I'm so incredibly disappointed about the abortion clause in the House health care bill. This may be the first time I've been this profoundly disappointed in the past year. I realize that cooler (saner!) heads may ultimately prevail, but it's still such a blow.

*Sammy has another (still) runny nose. My head MAY explode. I realize that I should just be grateful that it's only a runny nose and he doesn't ususally get sicker than that, but geez! I swear his nose has been running since September. Should he have hit some sort of snot quota by now?

*Isaac's only comment to yesterday's post was "McHottyPants?". Heh. That made me laugh.

*Sammy's been waking up lately saying his feet/legs hurt. I was stumped until I put a pair of his brand new, down past his heels sweats on him yesterday. They now come up to his ankles. These are a month old! I bought them a size up on purpose! I already have a 3 1/2 feet tall THREE year old. NOT STOPPED GROWING since he was born. It must be the milk he's addicted to...

*Sammy was lifting weights with Isaac the other night. He picked up a set and it literally toppled him over backward. He was fine, but I nearly popped a lung from laughing so hard. It was hilarious!

*I have a writting deadline of December 1st. HA!

*We've had 3 people call about our house. One came and looked at it and another should be coming by tomorrow. If all goes well, we'll close on the new house the week of Thanksgiving and move over the next couple of weeks. Did I mention my Dec 1st writing deadline? Ha, again!

*The DC sniper was executed last night. Didn't that seem super fast to anyone else?

*This did my heart good. Such a good step!

*Glee is back tonight. I'm ridiculously excited. Which, I'm sure, makes me wholly pathetic!

*I have apples, but don't want to make a pie. Suggestions?

Song for Sesame Street:

(cake, mahna mahna - Sammy's favorite!)

Don't Stand So Close...

I was reading an article of consequential strangers in our lives and, as I pondered the people I see but don't know, I started thinking of all of the people that were in my life for a brief amount of time that I DID know and how they shaped who I am. This led me to thinking about Professor McHottyPants.

During my last year of college, I was very much in love with one of my professors. I was 24 and so very impressed to have skipped this part of college, when it happened. I walked into that classroom and *BAM*. I don't know how much of this was circumstance (I was separated and miserable) or real (he was just older than me, stinking smart and hot), but I had a raging little crush on him. To make matters worse (or...better), he lived just down the street from me. I could almost see his house from my kitchen window. It wasn't a long crush, I had enough in my life at the time to deal with, but it was an important one. It was the first one to let me know that my heart wasn't completely broken. It was the first one to let me know that after the pain, I would be ok. But on a higher plane, it also let me look into who I really wanted to be.

School was easy for me. I could coast and do the minimum and it was still above average. His classes were different. I actually wanted to do my very best. I actually wanted to excel. We became friends (which was probably inappropriate, but...eh) and I remember talking him one night at, uh, let's say a restaurant, a bunch of us were all at for an outside of class activity brainstorming session. As the evening was drawing to a close, Mr. MHP and I found ourselves talking of life and love and my plans for the future. It was then that I actually saw, for the very first time, what I could be if I just worked a little harder than "coasting". He talked to me like an equal and, at the time, he was the smartest man I knew. Amazing as it was, it was easy to believe I WAS his equal, right there at that moment. And that moment turned into a belief and a conscious desire to be the best, the smartest I could.

I'm certain he wouldn't know who I was should I see him today, but he has a permanent place in my memory. He was the reason I started working in a different field than I had always imagined. He was the reason I unleashed this side of my passions I never knew about. He was the reason my faith and ego didn't completely falter during the most hellish year of my life. He was the reason I picked myself up and stood tall. He was the reason I did anything for a little while after graduation. He was sorely needed in my life at that time. And he knows none of this. Which is as it should be.



(pet shop boys, heart)

Book Review

I just finished Elna Baker's The New York Regional Mormon Singles Halloween Dance. While it's not really an LDS book (I certainly wouldn't want my young teens reading it...and I can't imagine my parents reading it, either!), it's still an LDS book. As in Elna is LDS, lives her religion (mostly) and writes about her stories. However, there's a fair amount of swearing and a whole lot of sex for there not actually being any sex in it and it is, much to LOTS of leaders dismay, I'm assuming, more true to life than anything you can currently pick up at your local church book store.

I don't know what I really expected picking this up. I expected it to be funny, which it was. I expected it to bash the church a lot, which it doesn't. But I never expected it to have so much heart and soul in it. And I didn't expect it to ring as true to my own life as it did. I was reminded of my year after my divorce a lot; dating and trying to explain my divorce to those who would view me as damaged. Trying to find out what I really wanted from life and a partner. And even though her stories are uniquely hers (and mostly uniquely New York), I think her doubts and struggles to find who SHE wants to be while staying true to her religion is a wider story. You don't find many LDS people as honest as she. You don't find many who readily admit they don't have close to any answers and struggle so openly. I found the entire book refreshing, as well as laugh out loud funny.

One of my favorite essays from the book is also part of her stand up. It may be because I enjoy the people who can't say vagina and, well, if that offends you for some crazy reason, you should definitely not watch this clip.


Music for a Monday:

(matt pond PA; sunlight)

I Can Read!

Book club. I'm going to love it, I can just feel it! This month we're reading The Bright Side of Disaster by Katherine Center. I'm excited. I loved, loved her other book so much; I'm sincerely looking forward to this one. I think we have a great group of girls assembled, all who love to read and have a night off! I'm anxious for everyone to start getting to know everyone else and it becoming completely comfortable.

I got home last night, mortified, however. When I'm nervous or anxious or flustered or the attention is on me, I get wordy. I talk way too much. So, I found myself chatting a LOT last night. I'm sure I embarrassed myself several times... I complained to Isaac about this and he just kind of laughed, like it was a given and something everyone knows about me, so not to be too hard on myself. I just wish I had clammed up instead! You would think a grown woman would have control over these things by now...Luckily I had a lovely peppermint hot chocolate to distract me part of the time.

I sincerely love my life. Things are so good right now. I'm again amazed at what a night off with friends will do for a state of mind. Such a simple thing, but so necessary to my sanity!

What's in my head today:

(every beat of the heart, railway children: this song reminds me of high school and one of my best friends. i lost track of it several years ago and for some reason convinced myself it was by the mighty lemon drops. i kept getting frustrated that i couldn't find it by them (i wasn't about to ask my sister and admit to not remembering it!). this past week while cleaning up my music library, i stumbled onto it again and felt like an idiot that i had the band wrong all this time. good news is that i've been singing it ever since!)

Ye Of Little Faith

I'm not known for my great faith. It's something I've always struggled with. I vastly prefer data and proof and assurances and hand holding. I've never been one to jump and do something just because. If it's stupid, it's stupid and no, you won't be able to talk me into it!

We were approved to buy the new house. Financing is fine (apparently if you have no debt and good credit, you don't need to sell your house first to be approved...who knew?), offer was accepted. We could technically close the week of Thanksgiving. Neither of us FEEL one way or the other. Actually, that's not entirely true. We both think if we can swing it, it's a really good move for us, with Isaac feeling we should try. If we could sell this house tomorrow, we'd buy the new house in a heartbeat, no question. But since that isn't going to happen, we are looking over our finances very carefully and making sure that, worst case, we can swing two mortgages for awhile (which, TECHNICALLY - ON PAPER, we can). We aren't anticipating this house not selling for a long period of time, but who knows? Since we haven't sold our house yet, we can't put a full 20% down like we would like. That increases our payment. Once we sell the house, we can pay up to the 20% and get rid of the mortgage insurance payment and all will be well. Where's the wealthy relative to borrow the rest of the 20% down payment when you need them?

So, the options are these:
1. Go for it, full tilt. Remember how to eek out every penny to cover the bills and live like beyond poor college students until the house sells all the while PRAYING Isaac doesn't have a crap month of work. Know that once our house sells, we'll actually come out even or ahead.

2. Resubmit our offer contingent on our house selling first. Understand that our great rate may go away as well as having someone else buy the new house out from under us.

3. Option 1 while trying to rent our current house, knowing that we may not find renters.

4. Withdraw our offer and stay where we are, never to speak of this week again.

5. Buy it, not try to sell current house and just rent it (blech).

6. Become friends with someone who has an extra $15,000 to loan us until the house sells, at which time we can totally pay them back.

I'm thinking option 6 is the most doable, right? If only someone could tell me when this house would sell. Then I could comfortably make a decision...

The song that's in my head:

(science is real, they might be giants - thanks, sammy...)

Did I Mention Chuck Has Been Renewed? And More Episodes Ordered?

I found lovely dark chocolate flannel sheets last week on an amazing sale. Combined with coupons, we ended up with one heck of a deal and not a moment too soon. I have been freezing every night and I think the shock of the cold sheets were *this* close to shocking my heart, never to recover! Ok, maybe not, but I was darn cold.

I washed them and we finally remembered to put them on the bed last night. It was HEAVEN. Warm and comfy and the perfect vehicle to dream of Chuck (This one, definitely not this one, in case you were wondering...); which is where I found myself this morning: in our cave like bedroom, snuggled into the warm chocolate flannel sheets, dreaming of Chuck professing his undying love to me when I hear Isaac say, "TAWNYA!" and start shaking my shoulder.

There is NEVER shoulder shaking happening in this house. Never. Sammy wakes us up and we play chicken until Isaac inevitably gets up with him and I wish I could sleep for just a few more minutes and then we all start our day. So, of course, I wonder who has died to cause the shoulder shaking and set up with a start. It was just after 7, which means we ALL slept in, but, weirdly, I COULD NOT remember the day to save my life. Even after Isaac told me it was Tuesday, I still had this completely blank mind and absolutely no reference for the day. It was the strangest feeling and took me a full few minutes to realize that my 7 am grocery shopping appointment was going to have to be quick this morning, since I was late getting up. I jumped up, headed to the bathroom, checked Sammy's room and realized he isn't in bed. I frantically ran back to our room and asked where Sammy was. He'd curled up into Isaac's side, blissful as well.

Those, my friend, are powerful sheets...

Music for a time warp-y Tuesday:

(duffy, mercy)

Can You Compost While Wearing Louboutins? (aka: can I BE any more of a contridiction?)

Thank you all for not making me feel like a raging hypocrite. I still feel like one, but I'm sure I'll get over it. In my new house. Ha! I kid... We've spent the weekend praying and thinking and researching and have decided that it wouldn't hurt a thing to try. Especially after we found out how much the house was listed for originally. $30,000 off is one big 'ole screaming deal! We have some thoughts and places to start to even see if it's going to be possible, but even after seeing three other homes in our neighborhood for sale, we both still feel pretty positive about the whole thing. I'm am so far removed from stressing about it, which (of course) makes me believe that we aren't moving, but not stressing is good. If we don't move, we don't move. It's nice to be in a position of not HAVING to move. Makes this all a grand adventure instead! If we do move, however, I will be sad about losing my 26 freshly planted garlic bulbs.

I am gobsmacked it's November. Two months until 2010. That seems highly surreal. I absolutely love this time of year, though. There's no pressure. My schedule is open and flexible and if I want to hibernate for a couple of weeks, I can. LOVE. IT. I will be celebrating my wide open schedule today by reading my new book, finishing cleaning up my music library and making biscuits and gravy for dinner. Mmmmm. What a lovely Monday.

Music for a blase Monday:

(all these things that i've done, the killers)

Feet...Tastes Just Like Chicken

So last week, Isaac and I found a house. Well, we had seen it before, considering we drive by it all the time and it's been on the market for months, but for some reason, last weekend, we started talking about it and actually looked it up on the real estate website. Price? Would increase our mortgage by about $30 while increasing our square footage by about 400 sq feet. Not to mention it's a brand spanking new house. We went to look at it on Friday and I was REALLY hoping to hate it. Make things so much more simple. But...no such luck. We both fell completely in love. Well, all three of us, actually. Sammy was mapping out where his bed was going to go and keeps saying, upon passing "the new house", 'can we buy it yet?'.

So...pros. Bigger space, better layout, granite, tile, hard wood, in the same neighborhood we want to stay in, walk in closet, master bath, brand new house at the same price of our house now, so very, very pretty...

Cons. Our house now is fine. I would so have to eat so many words about how we got just the space we need. And, I do still really believe that and that alone is giving me pause about the whole thing. I was so proud of us for finding a house that just fit us with no extras and now, 1 1/2 years later we're going to give it all up...for what? A prettier house? A little more room? This is such a moral dilemma for me.

Next week we're going to see if we'd even qualify to make an offer (self employment creates some fun rules on that one and we're just shy of the two year rule...). If we DO qualify, we'll need to talk and decide whether we should make an offer contingent on the sale of our home. I'm wondering how difficult it would be to sell ours right now - the same climate that is making the other house a deal might make selling ours tricky. Cart before the horse? Maybe. I'm unsure how to feel. I'm excited and will admit to having mentally decorated the house already, but I'm a little unsure. I don't want to get my hopes up and I REALLY hate feeling like my current house isn't good enough. I'm torn. And really ready to have clear direction.

Music for Halloween. You didn't expect anything else tonight, right?

(everyday is halloween, ministry)

While We're Talking About All of My Human Foibles...

I had a doctor's appointment this afternoon. Yearly dermatologist check-up. I haven't had one since we moved, so I figured it was time. I get very nervous for the dermatologist. I would rather have, pretty much, ANY other yearly exam. Isaac and I had a friend who died of skin cancer and I know that my skin is prone to it, so I just get a little anxious around my yearly checks. I called two weeks ago and the doctor was booked until next September (LOVE living in a small town...), but I could see his P.A. today. Great. I've spent two weeks mapping out all of my question moles and those spots that showed up after I had Sammy (pregnancy KILLED my skin) that still haven't gone away and a few questions. Five minutes before my appointment (I LOVE living in a small town!), Sammy and I bundle up and brave the cold only to get there and have the receptionist tell me that, yes, they have all my new patient info, but no record of me having booked an appointment. I just stared at her. I honestly didn't know what to say. It was nearly like she wanted me to fix it somehow. So, I say, "You are kidding, right? I've had this appt for two weeks. With your PA." And I...wait. She clicks around on the computer some more, apologizes again and says there's nothing she can do. All the appointments for today are filled. And I do what I do when I get upset and flustered. I burst into tears. I HATE that. Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. It's a stupid yearly check up, for crying out loud! (ha!) not a life or death thing. I could have easily expressed my disappointment and rescheduled, but instead I cry and turn and leave because I don't want to be that person, crying and talking and blubbering in the middle of their waiting room ranting incoherently. Sigh. Hate. Now I get to decide whether to suck it up, call and reschedule while apologizing for my CLEAR overreaction or just let my general practice doctor look at them during my upcoming physical. Probably the latter since I so very much love running away from uncomfortable situations...

Turning the hate to love, however, is this. I saw this, wanted to blog about it because I have SO MUCH TO SAY about it, but didn't because I know it will be met with little love from anyone else. But I do have so much to say, so here goes nothing...

I CANNOT begin to tell you how much I love this clip. I CANNOT begin to tell you how much sense this makes. I CANNOT begin to tell you how I love her eloquence and clarity in explanation. As a (lapsed) journalist, I try to explain my feelings toward Fox News often, but rarely get past the expletives and sputterings before simply rolling my eyes and tramping back to my cave. So, now, I will just point to this clip and say...yes. This. Right here. It's not simply my fierce hatred of all things breathing the same air as Glenn Beck. It's not that I have been programmed with my card carrying membership in the Democratic party. It's simply this. I cannot take a "news" organization seriously that is actively campaigning and organizing protests against the sitting government - whatever side they are on. They loose all credibility with me and I don't care their point, from then on out I WILL NOT LISTEN. Shouting at the top of your voice with all the grace and poise of Ann Coulter will not do anything except make you look foolish and discredit everything you say, true or not. That station hurts my soul. Everything I learned about journalism is routinely mocked there and while my chosen profession struggles and gasps for life, well, that station hurts my soul. I hate that it's come down to a "right vs left" conversation at all. There will always be news organizations that lean one way or another. There will always be commentators and you will know which side they favor. But this is such a new level and so very wrong. It's not what the profession should be described as. It's not what I want MY profession associated with. It's not what I signed on for, dreamt about since I was a child. I feel the need to watch All The President's Men for a good palate cleansing...

Music fitting for the post:

(icicle works, whisper to a scream)