Man. I'm glad to have shaken THAT off. I did what any red blooded woman would do. I passed around the aforementioned FB pictures and rallied the girlfriends. Have I mentioned in the past 3.2 seconds what great friends I have? Because, seriously. Best ever. And then I had extended meditation time and figured out what really was wrong with me and then went shopping with my sister. All in all, I seem to have pulled out of my funk yesterday and that is nice. Very nice. So. Now that THAT is under control...
We have an upcoming trip for our anniversary. I'm really looking forward to it. While this isn't the first time we've left Sammy overnight, it IS the first time we've left him overnight AND left our town. And not come get him immediately after waking. So I'm a little nervous. Not TOO nervous to overshadow how excited I am. We are going to one of our favorite places on earth and shopping the next day without the boy. Heaven! Not to mention that I found the best dress yesterday for our first night dinner. Eeeee!
Also on the shopping menu yesterday was an impromptu purchase of Sammy's first backpack. Which MAY have led to tears springing forth in the middle of the aisle. And pictures. And complete and utter back pack love of the boy. He LOVES it. So very much. He just looked so grown up and so little at the same time. I can't believe I have to shuttle him out into the world in five short weeks. Sigh...
He read a book to his aunt in the middle of the store yesterday. A lot from memorization, but he was definitely correcting himself and following along. I think reading is right around the corner. I know I wanted him to be reading before school, but man. That went out the window with all the other "when I have a kid" things you tend to collect and abandon. Now that school is nearly here, I'm really glad I just let him play and be a kid for five years before school. I think it was the right call for my kid. And it only killed me a *little*.
Now. Off to play with friends and celebrate the new park that opened right by us. And be glad we aren't as warm as everyone else...
I was reading this article the other day and it lead to a spiraling afternoon of thought. Of course. Because I think WAAAAAAYYYYYYY too much. Clearly. I have a LOT of what ifs in my life. I have a lot of regrets. I talk of many. Often. And this article rang so true to all of that. I grew up being told I could do anything I wanted. And I do. It's not that I even want a different life. I love my life. I have a great husband - GREAT husband. I have a kid, that while he may kill me with his growing up, I believe that's normal and he sometimes throws his arms around me and kisses me and tells me he loves me and we make peace and start again. I have me health (well...) and this house and stability and every darn thing I've ever craved. So why am I in such a funk? Why am I hit, lately, so hard with the what ifs?
I know this girl. I'm FB friends with her, but haven't seen her in years. She is just younger than I and has been posting pictures lately of her recent activities. Ones that include all the things I find deplorable while simultaneously making my high school self cower in my mind's corner out of envy of the beautiful people. She looks incredible. But very fake. Outwardly, at ANY cost, beautiful. And I wonder. I wonder the what if in regards to beauty. What IF I were beautiful. What IF I put more emphasis, natural and no, on my outward appearance. What IF I spent hours at the gym and plastic surgeon and...just to grab the moment of beauty? I spent an inordinate amount of time obsessing over her recent posts and then, sadly, feeling badly about myself. I walked out of my home yesterday morning feeling fat and unattractive and really down on myself. And then, as the morning progressed, I became upset at myself for having that reaction AT ALL. Because I KNOW, intellectually, what the right answer is, here. I know that she has her issues. I know that she is, most likely, not that happy and is stuffing her life with the trendy and appearance heavy to fill a void. I KNOW that. But the outwardly still had me down.
So I sat, yesterday morning, and talked to some friends. And I realized again, for the millionth time how blessed I am. These women are my life line. And everything they said was right on. But I wasn't done. So I started an email conversation with some of my friends and it was exactly, again, what I needed to hear. My friend Lacy, at one point, said, "We're at that crossroads, I think. Are we trying to be "Twenty Year Old" pretty or are we trying to be pretty at whatever age we are and REAL. There is more to us than our looks. We know that. It's hard to believe it with the way the world is. We're not trying to impress or attract other people, we just want to be happy and be our best self (and at least have our husbands say we look cute once in awhile) -- that's all I want." Huh. Yeah. That. And while I'm not completely over it and still feel frumpy and out of shape, I really needed to hear that. Exactly.
I then talked about how I'm clearly having a mid life crisis and think that my what ifs are stemming from the feeling that I'm nearly 40 and haven't really DONE anything. And I just wonder what my Sliding Doors life would be like should I have gone the more traditional career route. Or chosen to have a child earlier. Or. Or. Or...
And then I circled back to that article. And realized that it's all ok. These trips down what if avenue give me insight to my life that I wouldn't get otherwise. And give me the urgency to do something with my life, whether great or small. And remember that even though high school was 20 years ago, I'm still not over parts of it and still have miles to go before I'm truly that confident woman I purport being.
I feel I am failing lately. A bad week compounded onto deep feelings of inadequacies and I feel like, well, I'm failing at everything. I'm feeling not particularly great at anything. Wife, mothering, career, losing my mind. Oh, wait. Actually, I'm doing rather spectacularly at losing my mind. That I have down!
I'm not sure at what is going on. Well, that's not entirely true. I know a little of what is going on. I'm still in pain. Huh. Wait. Pain is the wrong word. My lower back is still...let's go with crampy. I say cancer, Isaac says tweaked muscle. Potato, Po-I die an early death. Whatever. Anyway, this is messing with my head and making me just...off. I spend my day wondering if I should just deal with it, trust it goes away, chalk it up to my flare and live life or start the process again with the doctors. Just to satisfy my "there is something else wrong, I swear" ness! Even though there never it. Before anyone says, "Trust your gut!" in a well meaning comment, let me just say that my gut is nearly ALWAYS wrong. My intuitiveness in this area is wonky, at best. So everything else is completely off due to this.
The other area is Sammy. I just feel I'm doing it all wrong. Just nearly every area of his life I feel is lacking. I realize this isn't anything new, here, but it's weighing heavily. Do all nearly 5 year olds hate to have their schedules disrupted so minutely? Do they freak when you state something and deviate ever so slightly? I know he gets over it really quickly, with just an explanation, but still. He is THE most literal child I've ever encountered and that is where we butt heads the most (see yesterday's post...). He's also exerting independence and his boyness. And that may REALLY kill me. He will not agree to ANYTHING that makes it so he has to wash his hands after. "Sammy, I need to run some errands" "Do I need to wash my hands when we get home?" But get him to lick chocolate off his fingers? Mutiny! Sigh... I know a lot of this is normal, but. Well. Failing. Extraordinarily failing.
And then, well, our life is just a little bumpy right now. Plans are on hold and changing and things are up in the air. Which makes us all unsettled. Our anniversary trip is coming up and I'm really looking forward to it. If Isaac's theory holds, a decrease in stress can only help everything. Especially in most of the areas I feel I'm failing so deeply. So very deeply. Life is tough. I forget that sometimes. Especially after such a glorious period of normality.
This story completely shook me. Completely. I saw Sammy in this story. I saw ME in this story. And it worried me greatly. See, we are already having issues with independence and my protecting him. It's such a fine line and one I'm not entirely comfortable with. I'm totally fine being the over protective mom. To a point. Mostly. I don't want him to miss out because I'm overly paranoid, but I'm not just going to ease up, either. It seems an impossible balancing act to manage. And these parents? They did EVERYTHING I would have done. They checked routes. They mapped it out. They walked it with him before hand. They picked a location half way home so he didn't have to walk the whole way. They practiced and were safe and did just...everything - EVERYTHING - I would have done. And it ended up not mattering.
Combine that with the part that REALLY upset me - that he was so very willing to do what that guy to him and it was like I was seeing our future selves in some horror movie. Sammy is exactly that way. He does what others tell him to a fault. While we were at Isaac's family reunion, he got into trouble a couple of different times. His cousin would tell him to do something and when I reminded him that whatever "it" was, wasn't acceptable, he would start crying because his cousin TOLD him to do it. He was beside himself that he couldn't complete what someone told him to do. Any change in thinking is killer for him. KILLER. And it worries me that he has this need to do what he is told, by anyone, for anything. I realize that most of the time, that will be fine. But you can prepare and rehearse and make plans and go over things step by step and sometimes? It doesn't matter. And that guts me. Because I see him...us...in this. It could so easily be us.
We spent the most mornings last week going over what to do if someone asks him to come with him. We drilled and drilled and drilled. And then I worried some more.
