Sigh...

What a difference a day makes! Ok. Here's what happened...(hee!):

We had two potential buyers. One who wanted to only pay $140 and us pay all closing costs. Yeah, that wasn't going to happen. So we countered. $144ish and only a portion of closing. They declined. While this was happening, another potential buyer (potential buyer #2) called to see how flexible our price was. We told her and she decided to put an offer in on a cheaper home. So, as of Tuesday, we were down both potential buyers.

What we didn't know, but suspected from things said, is that both buyers were now bidding on the SAME house around the corner from us. And we were right. Last night, potential buyer #2 called back and said, basically, we're now bidding on the same house and because of this, that buyer countered HIGHER than the $139 that they listed for. After thinking about it and realizing that for just a few thousand more she could have OUR house, which is the one she originally wanted and is in MUCH, MUCH better condition and on a quieter street. So we negotiated price and the contract should be sent over this afternoon.

Several things. We are getting much closer to our asking price with her than we would have had potential buyer #1 accepted our counter offer. By sending PB#1 away, we, in essence, drove PB#2 back to us by creating a bidding war on the other house. Unintentional, of course, but welcomed. So. We are hopeful. MUCH more hopeful than with potential buyer #1, actually.

What does this have to do with anything? Well...I firmly believe there are those people who welcome and create drama in their life (you know...every status update and every blog post and every conversation something IS THE WORST THING EVER AND CAN YOU BELIEVE MY LIFE?!) and those that don't. I work really hard at being one who does not. I try to only show Isaac my crazy and, on my worst day, you would rarely know anything is wrong. Right or wrong, it's what I do. Until I stuff it all down so much that it has no where to go but spewing forth into all the land. And then I have a mini break down and you all get to hear about my OCD. But here's the thing. By the time I spew and ask for help, I'm ok again. I've let my little release valve do it's job and I've reset myself back to normal. I'm truly ok.

So yesterday, my OCD didn't even enter my mind. I was gone most of the day, busy with life and by the time I collapsed into bed, I realized I was fine. I'd reset, taken a lot of the stress with it and I was ok. Overwhelmed by the love and concern in my inbox, but ok. I try to be drama free, but at those breaking points, I'm glad I have a cheering section.

Now, if that cheering section wouldn't mind a few prayers our way that this deal works out and goes seamless...


(xtc, senses working overtime)

Here.This.Now.

I'm calling my therapist today. To see if there is any time in the next little while he can fit me in. It's the same therapist I've thought of calling now for over a year. I've procrastinated and justified and gotten better. But now. Now...you all saw this coming, right? I know. I should have, as well, but didn't.

It started with some checking things:
-Babe, did you check the stove? Was it off?
-We didn't use it today...
-I know. Can you still check?

And that moved to other things. Things that are RIDICULOUS and ILLOGICAL and I KNOW that. But still. My mind, it twists. The ridiculous and illogical become WHAT IS IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW I CAN'T COPE. And when that happens, I deal and the next day I'm fine. But. BUT. Lately it's been more often than that. Lately I've had flare ups galore. Lately it's been stupid things that won't leave my head. Lately I've wanted to find a hole to crawl in and forget the world nearly every day.

Isaac is right. My flares are worse when I cave myself in the house and put off doing things. I know it. When I'm out and active, I'm much better. But with stress, I don't WANT to be out and about. I want to be home, right then, trying to control all the balls in the air, telling them their outcome. So I tend to be more of a homebody. You know, the one thing that seems to help during a flare, I shun.

Usually I can tell when a flare up is coming. Usually I can do things to help. And you would THINK that our house not selling, yet, would be a big, fat NEON OCD flare up sign. You would think. I, however, would not. I was dealing (uh huh). I was fine (uh...right). But this roller coaster week has proven otherwise. I'm not dealing. I'm not fine. And everyone who has never known me knew it. And I did not. But I get it, now. I understand. I am under a wee bit of stress.

So I'll meditate. I'll blaze through the issue. I'll ask for help. I'll research ways to manage this. I'll continue to pray for a speedy sale of our house. One that will be quick, so we can get back on track. I'll finally call my therapist. I'll pray that our nearly two offers that are now no offers will turn around and quick. Because this? Is hard. And getting to be too much. I cry uncle. I give. I can't do it any more.


(fix you, coldplay)

Under the Milky Way

I dream of Nathan Fillion every night. Entire episodes of Castle play out in my mind once my eyes are shut. I don't really view this as a bad thing, of course, but I wish I could remember some of them well enough to write them down come morning, they are so vivid. I realize this may be a sign of obsession...

My dreams change and I dream of a women I've never met. She is beautiful, fun, righteous, loving and I know she's meant to marry my brother. I wonder how I should tell them both. I realize I may be crazy...

A shifting scene several nights a week plays out as a friend I thought I had disappears, night after night. We're friends and then...nothing. She's just gone. I rationalize in my dreams that she is busy, not absent, but in my heart I know we aren't friends anymore. I wake up sad and think I need to call and see if all is ok, but I forget. Am scared my dreams are trying to tell me something. I realize I may be reading too much into dreams...

I dream of the house and what we want to do with it. I see a deck and garden boxes and an apple tree. I see a porch swing that I sit on and read, barefoot, in the summer. I see my life play out here in happiness. I realize my stress is higher than I let on...

I've started to hurt in my dreams. Ache, really. For someone who's mom once said an earthquake could fell building around me while sleeping and create NOT A PEEP from me, this is new. But I ache and wake easily and pray for sleep like I used to take for granted, to happen. And then I wake for real and realize that exhausting dreams are just...exhausting. And if you are praying for sleep while sleeping, that is a problem. I realize my dreams are making me tired...


(under the milky way, the church)

And...Breathe

We received an offer on our house on Saturday. A pretty low offer, but workable. We're countering today. This is notable for several reasons.

1. When I got the voice mail Saturday letting us know an offer was coming, THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD temporarily lifted and I was given a brief glimpse of how much stress this non-stress is giving me. I sincerely had no idea. I thought I was doing ok, but clearly...

2. As soon as I saw the actual offer, the weight of, at least, the southern hemisphere came back. I'm nervous they aren't going to love our counter and we'll be back at square one.

3. But, dude. We FINALLY got an offer. Four months of showing the house, on average, twice a week, FINALLY produced an offer.

I realized in reading through the offer that I am such a softie. And nervous. I immediately wanted to just accept it, to make it so they could afford a house and so I could be done with it. Clearly I have no killer negotiating instincts. MAYBE, just maybe, it's a good thing my husband has a more even keeled head about him. So, we are countering today. It's a fair counter. I'm hoping they'll be able to swing it and we'll be under contract by the end of the week. I'm really wanting to start saving up for that fence. And really looking forward to the hemisphere lifting again. That was a nice feeling.


(don't stop believing, journey *HEY! Glee's back this week! WAHOO!!)