March Book

For March we read The Sharper Your Knife, The Less You Cry by Kathleen Flinn. Well, I did not read it. I started it, I really did, but...I honestly do not understand what happened with March. I don't know where it went (certainly wasn't more time outside-brrrrrr!) and I am fully in denial that it is over. I didn't get a terribly lot done. I'm perplexed, to say the least. Good thing I was in good company for last night's meeting. It would seem (sorry Lora!) that a few of us (sorry Lora!) didn't make it through (sorry Lora!).

However. The book. I WILL finish. Paris! Cooking! Fancy pants recipes! I just don't have a lot to say about it right now.

For April we are reading Fireworks Over Tocca by Jeffery Stepakoff. It's a new release and I know very little about it other than the publisher was giving sets away to book clubs for its launch and we were selected. A little out of our norm, but hopefully good. And fun! And not at all like Nicholas Sparks, because that would just be sad.

Book music:

(feels like a woman, zucchero - from the French Kiss soundtrack and something I've loved since I first heard it. this video may have changed that, however...)

A Dozen

I keep thinking that it was twelve years ago today that Isaac first took me home to meet his family. Twelve years! That seems impossibly long ago.

I remember a surprising lot from that trip. I remember being SUPER nervous. I remember thinking his family would just hate me. I remember it being chilly and Isaac not having defrost in his car and I had to be the manual defrost the entire hour drive (I didn't marry him for his money, folks!). I remember sitting at his kitchen bar and talking incessantly and ridiculously about nonsense because I was nervous. I remember crying all the way home that I blew it - my one first impression with his mom.

Twelve years (and many, many a chat (and cinnamon roll!) at that kitchen bar...) later, we're going up again in a few days. It's so funny to think of everything that has happened in those twelve years. How much I've come to love Isaac's family. How much they've come to tolerate me (I kid!). I'm glad we spent the first ten years of our marriage away from family, solidifying our bond. But now I'm just glad we get to spend the rest of our days close, building these relationships that started out so shakily, in my mind, twelve years ago today.

Music from 12ish years ago (eeep!)

(the cardigans, lovefool: LOVE the cassettes being used...)

Things That Really Matter

The Pioneer Woman has a movie about her life coming out. Reese Witherspoon is reportedly playing her.

Which brought about a serious conversation at OUR house: who would play us when my blog gets turned into a movie. Me - Toni Collette, naturally (duh!).

I started thinking of people for Isaac. Nathan Fillion? Jason Statham? Oh, the possibilities!

Before I could get to idea number three, Isaac laughs and announces his pick.


Ian Gomez. Really? Isaac thought he was HILARIOUS. Just so very funny...

Whatev, dude...

(sinead o'connor, the last day of our acquaintance)

Things I Know Right Now

*Giving Diego the Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment only results in deadface from the toddler. With a side of "no, I don't find you funny"ness. Even if I AM laughing, he just does NOT find it funny.

*Kinda digging Twitter. Who knew?

*This is one of the best articles I've read in awhile.

*I came across dirt that momentarily looked akin to mouse poop. I found out how quickly I could google hantavirus. Can I get a world record in that?

*I had decided it would be inevitable that EVENTUALLY people I come in contact with here and befriend, that one of them is bound to know my ex. Today...BINGO!

*I'm carrying on a nasty love affair with Borders orange vanilla hot chocolate. Warm, chocolaty dreamcicle. Love.

*Counting down to tonight's Castle. BEYOND excited. It's the new Chuck.

*I put a link to some old "Because I Have No Shame" photos up on my friend's facebook page last night. It took all of .3 seconds to remember that I was NOT, in fact, having a private conversation with her. Whoops. And then I remembered that, duh. They ARE up on my blog to begin with.

*Sammy loves playing Mario and instead of saying "Luigi", he says "De Wedgie". I REALLY never want to correct him.

*I laughed WAY too hard at this. It's funny cause it's true. Not that I would know...

*I had to divorce Neil Finn today. Well. It may not be a full divorce, really. More of a trial separation until he rids himself of the 'stache. DUDE. However...

*New Crowded House! Stache and all!

(crowded house, saturday sun)

What Feels Like Utter Fail...

I have had a lot of anger in my heart recently. It started mostly as frustration stemming from my career; stumbling blocks and confusion as I try to carve my way in this industry, trying to figure out exactly what it is I want and how to marry what I want and what I do. It's a weaving, crazy thing to maneuver. I feel the need to constantly pull back in fear. In frustration. In anger. In jealousy. And when I do, I feel depleted. Spent.

And then, as I started to pull out of that, last week happened. I lost focus of what is real and true and right in my life. I was disappointed in people I love. I was hurt by people that don't really matter. I had my triumph trampled. I felt picked on, misunderstood. I felt the buffoon. So I pulled back. In fear. In frustration. In anger. And felt depleted. Spent.

And then I stumbled onto this quote:
"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplacable spark. In the hopeless swamps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all, do not let the hero in your soul perish and leave only frustration for the life you deserved, but never have been able to reach. The world you desire can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours."
(Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged)

And I started to remember.

When this month started, I was pondering my word for this year. Abundance. I wasn't sure where it was in my life. And I decided to post about what a joke it was, to focus on a word and invite it in. What a misguided waste of time. If I really had an abundant life, I would have more. I would be more. I would do, more. But I waited. And tried to find just the right words to adequately describe this waste of space. And, blessedly, my hurt and frustration and jealousy and anger got in the way and the post was pushed to the side.

Late last week I started shutting my on-line self down a little earlier in the day. I hugged Sammy a little more. I talked to Isaac a little more. I read things I loved a little more. I read and listened and silently rejoiced in the good that came about last week, a little more. I enjoyed friendships and life and things that I hold dear - a little more. And, slowly, this post popped into my head, little by little. Except the utter fail I wanted to write about was changing. The abundance I felt had abandoned me was there. It just took a little (ok, a HUGE) nudge from the beyond to remember.

The truth is this. I have so much. So MUCH good in my life. Work is beyond good. It is such a blessing right now to be able to say that and neither of us wants to take it for granted. And the mere fact that I have a career, however small, to get frustrated over? Abundantly huge. And not only do I have a career, I have one that I love, that I've worked for since I was a little girl, one that I can stay home with while raising my kid and have the crazy opportunity of trying to carve out the time to freelance. I have the right to voice my opinion and have it be heard. Listening to the (very) vocal minority, I forgot that momentarily. And friends. My gosh, my girl friends both near and far. The emails, the messages, the support. How could I have possibly overlooked the abundant goodness that my friends provide? And the beauty of it all is that we are all different. We all come from different points in life, different backgrounds, different religions, political persuasions and yet? Each of these women that I have surrounded myself with are kind, tolerant, giving and a buoy in my life. I am, simply, surrounded by love.

So as far as abundance goes? That I have in spades. I just forget, sometimes, where it's hiding.


(has my fire really gone out, paul weller)