Differences. Or Growing a Voice.

I am more open with my opinions now than I used to be. Especially around family and friends. I know a lot of people wonder if I've changed, or what has happened, but the truth is, I haven't really changed. I've simply grown my voice.

What I've noticed, however, is some don't like it. They try to get me to feel that I'm wrong or I've changed - and not in a good way. They make it very plain that they don't appreciate the growth and would like it to go back to the way it was when I was younger - more silent. And I think it irritates some that I won't. I now call people on things. More often, anyway. I still try to be respectful. I still try to be compassionate. I still try to be tolerant. But I'm more likely to call you out if something seems wonky. Or mean. Or if my opinion just needs to be heard.

I'm a lot more vocal in differences I have with people, as well. I spent a great deal of time trying to blend in and anymore, I think that's crazy. Why do we do that to ourselves? I'm really different in a lot of ways to the women that surround me - dang! to family! - and I'm a lot more likely to discuss or highlight those differences now. I'm still working through what this will all mean with all my relationships (it's definitely strained some), but it's something I'm willing to do; need to do. Possibly just to show that not everyone is like everyone else and that is OK. Possibly because I'm nearly 36 and want to be me, now, instead of pretending to be like everyone else. Possibly just because...I've grown my voice and I now know how to use it more effectively.

Music for a (SUNNY!) cold day:

(in chains, depeche mode)

Diary, Journal, Blog: All the Same or More to Hide?

I try to write honestly. I do change a few details and leave out names to protect the people who are not me, but other than that, my blog is a fairly honest and open depiction of my life and history. For example, I have zero problems sharing with you how certain experiences in my life make me feel, but the exact happenings, I may change a little, depending on the happenings.

However, there are a FEW details that I will never share. I will never share exactly what happened with my divorce, though I'm ok talking in generals and some events. I will never share fights Isaac and I have. Hmmm. I think that's really it. I will NEVER share fights Isaac and I have. I won't share a lot from my life here and now, but most things in my history are fair game. Aside from marital spats, however, should my here and now be more open?

When I'm dead and gone and Sammy and his family are going through my journals (of which there are A LOT), I hope nothing is a surprise. I hope that I was honest enough with my kid that he realizes that I was a teenage girl, I was a newly married, I was one with ups and downs and problems and trials. But most of all, I hope he realizes that his mom was a good writer and used that medium to sort through and leave a little part of herself for whomever is interested. That maybe something I've written will help, even if the person it's helping is me. I refer back to my journals often, for stories or growth or perspective.

I've heard of people who will tear out pages of their history or (HORROR!) throw away complete diaries due to embarrassment, but I could never. I write what is important to me and I write what I honestly feel at any given time. I would hate to lose that over a small thing like embarrassment.

Music for memory lane:

(nobody's diary, yaz)

Mystify Me

I often complain we don't eat as healthily as we should. The truth is, we don't eat badly. At least, not that badly. However, we, like most good Americans, had an orgy of food over the past week. Cream cheese in multiple appetizers, fried stuff with cheese, and crap topped with goodness. Velveeta? I may have had to ask where to find it in the store, but heaps of globs sure were delicious. Today, today I can feel it. Oozing out of every pore, stomach aching for release, headachy and bloated. Honest to goodness not doing well. I welcome beans and fruit and vegetables back with open arms.

My question is this. How do people (and we all know there ARE people) eat this way on a continual basis? Processed this and fried that and handful over fistful of gross? Just a few days and my body is reeling, begging me for some nutrition. I'm just not used to eating like that! I have pounds I know I should lose, but overall I'm healthy and strong. I got my cholesterol numbers back the week before Christmas and they were ridiculously good. Blood work was great. My ab muscles are there and strong, under the layer of baby (toddler) fat. That made me feel great! I'm not doing terribly! But, oh, how I'm missing my healthy food.

I finished reading The Omnivore's Dilemma this weekend, after picking it up on and off for several months. It did nothing but reaffirm the steps I've been taking for the past couple of years are the right ones. Local, grass fed beef (YIKES! about the corn fed ones!), local dairy, hormone free and delivered. A steady diet of local grown veggies, making my own bread. All steps in the right direction and ones I only want to grow and enhance this year.

The only song I can do today:

(mystify, inxs)

Thoughts and Things

Yesterday was Sammy's first big boy class at church. At first, he didn't want to go and held onto me, clutching my scarf, worried and repeating how much he just wanted to stay with mommy. I may admit to smiling and feeling a small bit of relief and joy at this; the feeling needed and loved and so solitary in his life. Soon, however, his teacher came and asked him to go with her and be her helper before class. He happily took her hand and never looked back as they trotted down the hall. I may not admit to having my eyes well up and feeling a bit tossed aside, silently willing him to just turn back, a little bit. I fretted over the next hour about how he was doing, what he was doing and if he was ok. I worried that he had my nervousness and fear about new situations and how I hope he's able to conquer it. I sat on my hands to keep from jumping up and grabbing him out of his class to come sit with me, to assuage my separation anxiety. This was a small two hour class at church. Where he could come and find me at any given moment, should he need me. What on earth am I going to do when he goes to school?

I'm trying to come up with my word for this year, but so far it's being evasive. I know a general feeling I am wanting, but I can't seem to grasp the word. I know I want MORE out of this year. I want to follow through with my writing goals. I want to pay attention to my condition and get the rest I need to have it not affect me or what I want to do. I want more freedom for my goals. I want more focus, more clarity, more success. But more doesn't seem to encompass the feeling I want. I just...can't focus on it. I need to think more. Heh.

We had a couple look at our house last week. We didn't hear back and I had written them off. However, they called last night, told us they were still interested but had fallen ill this past week and couldn't get to a bank to secure financing. They are going in this week to see if they could qualify for a loan and if (**IF!**) they do, they'll be making an offer. Trying not to get my hopes up, but still. Isaac said I could finally get a Kate Spade bag once we sell and pay off our PMI and darn it if I didn't dream of the bags last night...I leaning toward this one.

I finished reading Eating the Dinosaur last week. I didn't love it as much as his other books (it's hard to live up to Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs!), but considering that I read it in a day, I must not have hated it. Of course, I skipped the essay about sports, so that helped!

As odd as it is, we have another local optometrist in our new congregation. I'm hoping to get to know the wife because it would be lovely to have someone understand this crazy ride. They are a few years behind us (he graduated from Opt. school the same year we left San Diego), but I think it definitely can't hurt to have someone who can so closely relate. And it didn't seem to matter that Isaac gave his sales pitch when introducing himself, so the need to market oneself isn't lost on him...

Music to help get you going:

(into tomorrow, paul weller)

The Calendar Turns

I'm the crazy person who loves January. And Mondays. And time before 10:30 am. I love when things calm down, get back to normal and routine. Holiday fare put away (usually first thing on the 26th, honestly), schedules back to normal, the countdown to spring just beginning. Honestly. Love.

Today we're cleaning the old house; painting and patching the scars of our lives there. I want to focus on getting it completed and putting all our positive energy into that beautiful brick home and getting it sold. I need to feel settled again, secure again. I need to let go so I can fully embrace the new. I need to complete projects and move forward. I need to embrace the routine again, amid changes. I can't think of a better way to start a new year.

Music to start the year to:

(being boring, pet shop boys)