The Calendar Turns

I'm the crazy person who loves January. And Mondays. And time before 10:30 am. I love when things calm down, get back to normal and routine. Holiday fare put away (usually first thing on the 26th, honestly), schedules back to normal, the countdown to spring just beginning. Honestly. Love.

Today we're cleaning the old house; painting and patching the scars of our lives there. I want to focus on getting it completed and putting all our positive energy into that beautiful brick home and getting it sold. I need to feel settled again, secure again. I need to let go so I can fully embrace the new. I need to complete projects and move forward. I need to embrace the routine again, amid changes. I can't think of a better way to start a new year.

Music to start the year to:

(being boring, pet shop boys)

Year in Question

Things I still wonder, as 2009 comes to a close.

1. Do people REALLY like Miley? I'm curious why she matters. Or is famous. And why people don't seem to remember that her dad was a punchline...

2. Why didn't more people love Wolverine?

3. Will the day come that I can just sit and read, again? Can I actually read more than five books in a year?

4. Forget horses; the real saying should start, you can lead a toddler to the toilet...

5. I still don't really get twitter and I'm assuming that's because I'm old. Yes, I know what it does. Yes, I get the concept. But...why? (*that SO doesn't mean I don't have an account. created out of peer pressure...)

6. Where has Glee been all my life? And why do I have to wait until APRIL for its return?

7. Why did I move again when it was only months previous that I had finished settling in to the old house?

8. Does Lady Gaga feel good about herself?

9. Will I EVER actually get to use Better Than Ezra tickets I've purchased (we're two for two no go's!)?

10. Does Glen Hansard realize how hot he is?

11. Knitting proves grandmas aren't stupid. But, then, what does it say about me?

12. Why did I drop my lovely camera on the ground?

13. Are there any greater shoes than Keens?

14. Why, on People's 'sexy at any age' list are the hotter guys suddenly in the older categories? Wait. Don't answer that.

Song that sums up the year:

(rob thomas, her diamonds)

Maybe Baby

I've been thinking a lot about a hypothetical second baby lately. My lovely sister in law mentioned that she would be willing to be our surrogate if we ever decided to have another, so when I had my yearly appointment recently, I decided while I was there to ask a few questions. The answers were baffling, but, honestly, expected.

Should we go the surrogate route, we would have to travel. A lot. To a different city. A lot. We would have to get cycles in sync and do everything you do for in vitro times two. Crazy. Then I asked a question that's been on my mind since Amanda's offer. Would carrying our genetic child cause Amanda to develop HELLP, or have a greater chance of it? The short answer is maybe. They know so very little about the condition and really don't know if it's maternal or placental, so the three possible answers are:

1. The theory that it's an allergic reaction of sperm and egg is correct and it's maternal in nature means that only I would have a problem carrying our genetic child, but anyone else would be able to without incident.
2. The theory that it's an allergic reaction of sperm and egg is correct and it's placental in nature means ANYONE who carried our genetic child would have an increased risk of HELLP.
3. It's not really an allergic reaction at all, but some random something else.

It's all just very fascinating and, of course, since option 2 is a possible option, we won't be going down the surrogate road at all. I could never forgive myself if something were to happen to my sister in law simply due to my selfishness. My doctor told me of a local woman who died recently of HELLP. She developed it a couple of months postpartum and, since it was so many weeks post baby, they didn't immediately make the connection and were too late saving her; not that they would have been able to absolutely save her, anyway, but they were just at a loss. I came home and told Isaac the story and the conversation and he mentioned how nice it is to keep having these anecdotes to reaffirm our choices.

I sometimes wonder what my baby girl I'll never have looks like. My sweet Eliza Grace. I've pictured her for so long, it's crazy to know I'll never have her. I'm so secure with our decision and KNOW it's the right one for us, but every once in awhile I start this silly "what if" game with myself. It always ends with Eliza and with the smallest pocket of sadness. And, sometimes, I hypothetically wonder why the right answer has to hurt.

Mood music:

(lloyd cole, are you ready to be heartbroken?)

Mama Help

Every once in awhile, Sammy wakes up screaming. He's hard to settle down and we've finally managed to eek out the words "my feet hurt" from him. This happens randomly, but possibly when he's off schedule and goes to bed a little too late. Once it happens once during the night, it happens over and over. Last night, I think it was four times and then once more right after he got up. He says they hurt just where toe meets foot and rubbing it definitely seems to help and it's always both feet that we can tell. He has ALWAYS slept curled into a ball with his feet and hands clenched tightly. Always.

So...growing pains in his feet? Randomly clenches his feet the wrong way and he gets cramps in them? Something ridiculously obvious I've overlooked? Anyone with a nugget of insight? Because I gotta tell you, we are ALL exhausted this morning and I have GOT to figure this out. Soon.

Music to fit the mood:

(world spins madly on, the weepies)