Stop Me If You Think That You've Heard This One Before...

My mind is bursting with random today.

*We started home milk delivery this week from a local dairy. How much am I going to love eliminating extra trips to the store for the basics?

*A conversation between my goober child and I this morning:

Me: "Sammy, I don't think we're going to buy any new cars until you poop and pee in the toilet."
Sammy, slapping hands to head: "Oh, no. I'm really going to miss cars!"

I don't pretend to know a lot about parenting, but I know enough to know that isn't the reaction I was looking for...Diapers forever people!

*I just set up my first book club. I'm so excited! It's something I've been putting off since we moved and now, in just a couple of weeks, it'll be real! So...any book suggestions?

*I finished Christmas shopping for Sammy yesterday. Well, I have one more thing, but that will be ordered this weekend and then I'll be done. Although...we rented Monsters vs. Aliens yesterday and he loved it. I'm debating whether to add it on somewhere or save it for the inevitable "What does Sammy want for Christmas" question that usually comes up. Probably the latter...

*With the weather and the colds, we've been inside a lot lately. Sammy hasn't lacked in imagination, though.

Um...mostly involving Momo and Chomper...

*And growing. Seriously, I swear the kid grows 2 inches a day...


*We all know the Sammy love of his stuffed cat. Whenever we go to "the Momo store", he always picks out another one. Some of the time, we can rally and get him to chose something else. Other times, no. When we stopped into IKEA in Portland, he even picked one up there. Nice vacation souvenir, right? The closest we can come up with is that he's slowly building a momo army...

(new momo, original momo, momo the second, portland momo, bastard shunned grey momo)

The sad part to this is that he definitely has a favorite out of them all (the one next to grey momo; even my kid knows how great Portland is!) and knows exactly which one it is. I realized the other day I can tell them all apart as well. I think I may need a hobby...

The discarded momos stay on his bookshelves, to only be used in an emergency such as last Saturday when he dropped him in the grocery store parking lot. Straight into the washer, but I was done with laundry for the week and he had to wait until Monday to get him back. I think his head nearly exploded, poor kid.

I told Isaac that I thought it would be funny to get another one to stick out of the top of his stocking for Christmas. I don't think Isaac found that thought NEARLY as amusing as I did...

*I totally ran over a huge snake today. I also had to turn around to see it...

*The weather this weekend is supposed to be beautiful. Which is lovely, but I'm anxious to get my garlic in the ground already! The thought of fresh garlic all next summer may be clouding my weather priorities...

*I made bread on Tuesday. Luckily I doubled the recipe and made four loaves. Granted, I gave a loaf to my sister, but still...it's nearly all gone already. And was such a lovely excuse last night for grilled cheese and tomato soup!

*I spent much of yesterday with this on in the background. LOVE.

*Music to be random by:

Love & Rockets - No New Tale To Tell

Lori|MySpace Videos
(no new tale to tell, love and rockets)

It's A Sin

I had a surprising email from a friend this weekend, letting me know how brave she thought I was for always being so honest in my opinions. This came about 24 hours after the girl that cuts my hair said basically the same thing. And then I read this and started thinking about her questions at the end.

I love that people often tell me that they love my honesty, but I wonder how honest I'm being with myself. I started through those five questions and answered them, but the answers felt hollow. I read through them again and thought through them a little more and my answers changed. It wasn't the answer that I thought I wanted, but it was honest.

2. What is my #1 goal right now? Did I spend any time this week working towards it?
My first answer was "to get published again and no". My second answer was "to get through this flu season with my sanity intact and my anxiety in check". And then I realized that my dream is to be published again, but I can't do that until I get my OCD in check again. Flu season is making it crazy and I know it and I keep putting off that one little call to get me into a therapist. That one little call that will allow me to gut check this thing again and live a little more in the normal range. A simple call and I put it off. Because I keep telling myself "I'm fine".

3. What's an activity that makes me happy? When was the last time I did it?
My first answer? Reading. My real answer? Writing. Writing truly brings me joy. This blog brings me joy. And I talk myself out of writing nearly on a daily basis. I have the negatives in my head almost constantly and I try to laugh it off - like it's not some kind of need in my soul. I read this early this morning and nearly wept. It's my real, honest answer.

"If you think of home as a place where you feel comfortable, where you can kick off your shoes and be yourself, then writing is my home. No matter where I am, if I have my laptop or my journal, I'm home. When I pick up the pen, I experience the most profound feeling of intimacy and acceptance and familiarity I know."--Sheryl St. Germain, poet and creative writing professor, 2009

Writing is home. It's where I'm most comfortable. It's where I flesh out ideas and life and answers come.

5. Am I becoming who I want to be?
First and real answer? No. Not by a long shot. And that makes me sad. I want to be a good friend and a great wife and a brilliant author. I want to have a great relationship to my one and only and bring him safely into adulthood. I want to not worry. I want to run for office. I want to be politically driven to make real change around me. I want so much it scares me and I sit and worry and beat myself up for not doing what I need to do to become who I want to become. I want to actually be as strong and confident as people tell me I am. I got dressed for church on Sunday and I thought I looked great - navy dress, navy and green scarf, orange jacket, my fun green shoes with the navy and orange flowers. And then closer we got to the building and I could see everyone else, the more self conscious I became and by the time we were sitting down, I felt so conspicuous and out of place. I dress differently and at that moment I felt it acutely. When everyone else simply saw someone confident, I felt ridiculous.

Sometimes I feel like little girl lost. I'm a ball of insecurity and doubt 95% of the time. I want to be calm and confident and take my "only things I love and need" approach from my physical surroundings and apply it inward. I know who I want to be when I grow up, I just need to convince myself it's ok to try to get there.

Music to find yourself:

(who do you want to be, oingo boingo)