Don't You Want Me Baby

I don't think even I expected such a strong reaction to entering the Gorge. Tears were falling nearly as fast as the rain outside. I realized how much this felt like home - still - and maybe we'd merely been on a very complicated five year trip away. Every tree we passed was another reminder of what I've been missing. I missed this city immensely; my love for it runs very deep. I think I assumed, deep down, that this love had been overblown and if I ever got back, I'd realize that it wasn't as great as it had been built up in my mind. I was wrong. Before we'd hit the city limits, we were trying to figure out how to retire here. Plans were flying fast and furious. We both felt it; we both had missed it.

It's going to be hard to go home.

Stuff To Think On

I saw this article linked this morning on several blogs I read. After the second link, I read, with interest, as I always do with stories of love and loss, marriage and divorce. It would be easy to read this through the eyes of my divorced self. The problems, the hurt, the ending; both sides of the story. All uniquely our own, but somehow cliched, as well. However, I didn't. I resisted the urge to look back (not only to my previous marriage, but to Isaac and our first decade as well) and instead I looked forward - the next 10, 20 years of my married life. I looked at Sammy's future marriage and I really embraced the article through those eyes.

Isaac and I have an ideal relationship - blissful, even. We are such amazingly good (the best!) friends at the core. I try to not take this fact for granted, but I'm afraid I do: he'll always be here! He loves you! He is patient and kind and good! And then I demand so much. I often joke that one of these days he's going to snap and be resentful of the decades he's had to prop me up, but the truth is...I'm afraid that will come true. He IS kind and patient and good. And I am not. I'm the little kid in this relationship, always trying to stretch beyond and grab something shiny; unsure, stubborn, put upon. How completely silly it is, in the grand scheme of things. I kept telling my nephews this summer that we're the peace and love family. I was mostly joking with them (boring story), but in truth, I want to not take this marriage for granted for Sammy's sake, as well as the selfish reasons.

When Sammy is older (WAAAAYYYYY older) and looking for a wife, I want him to look back and see us as the example of what to do. I want him to see us working at it, being in love, being kind and patient and considerate of feelings. I want him to see peace and love. I want him to know that not everything breaks but INDEED gets better with time. And if he sees a little of this? All the better. Well, the sentiment anyway, not really the roses.

After all is said and done, the truth of the matter is, I love my husband. A crazy amount. Yes, he is good and kind and patient and so, so good to me, but he is also home. I would walk to the ends of the earth with this man if it meant I could stay with him forever. And while right now, in this minute, I cannot imagine the rough times the author of this article mentions, I know they are there, lurking under the surface of happy. I've lived through them in many incarnations and I'm certain that we'll live through them again. My only wish is to have the sort of stoic grace and calm she showed through the bad in order to get back to the good.


Music to build a life to:

(liam finn, second chance)

We're Not In Miami...

If you allowed yourself a vice (or, really, have one currently) what would it be? If I had a different moral code, I'm pretty sure I know what mine would be (which we won't be discussing), but it might be drinking, as well. I can see me having a love of fruity drinks with a little kick (since I already love the non-kick kind!), but never having touched the stuff, I don't really know.

I think vices are funny things. Nearly every culture or religious sect has there own interpretation of what is a vice and what is merely a sin. Some overlap. Some are defined as the direct opposite of that cultures stated virtues. However, The Seven Deadly Sins are perhaps the most well known.

1. Pride or vanity
2. Avarice (greed)
3. Lust
4. Wrath or anger
5. Gluttony
6. Envy or jealousy
7. Sloth or laziness

Our culture, of course, has usurped the meaning of vice to include anything outside one's moral code or anything bad habit-ish (see mention of fruity drinks, above). I'm wondering, though, if anything outside of one's moral code can actually fit into the list of seven? So far I unable to think of anything that won't. In thinking through the vices, I've been exploring my own short comings. Not my funny little vices that we joke about (windex wipes), but the big ones. Pride? Oh, yeah. It's here. Laziness? Check. Envy? Uh, yes please. And often. I apparently have enough to spare.

I see my short comings, my vices, my sins and wonder why... I feel I'm such a rotten person 75% of the time that is only half-heartedly trying to get better. I know that's most likely not the reality since I'm often the most harsh on myself, but I can't help but wonder. Why am I so blessed, so very blessed, while others better, kinder and just the best of the good people struggle? I know the answer, I really do. But I also wonder why I cling so to my particular set of vices. Am I afraid of shedding the ties of envy and laziness and stepping out of my comfort? Oh, gosh. Yes. Terrified that I won't find more blessings there, but instead hardship I'm ill prepared for.

My musical vice:

(better than ezra, beautiful mistake)

Uh...What Was That?

Sammy's nightly prayer:

"And thank you for nursery. And the racing car. And the ambulance. And the train. And I got to play with my friends. And the little boy crying and me crying..."

After the prayer:

Me: "Sammy, why were you crying in church?"
Me: "Why was the little boy crying in church?"
Sammy: "Because I hit him."

WHAT THE WHAT? Can I tag out yet? I'm pretty sure we just entered new territory, here...