-Just when I thought my swine flu paranoia was settling down, I realized my little brother and his wife are coming straight to my house next month after their flight from Australia. Don't forget to carry on your hand sanitizer and use it often! And maybe Lysol your seats before you take off. (Not kidding about the hand sanitizer. A little kidding about the Lysol...)
-I saw this yesterday and immediately wanted it and secondly thought of Susan.
-Tuesday after his nap, I heard Sammy talking. I went to my room to see what he was saying. There were kids in the back of our backyard playing and Sammy was trying to peer out the window while saying, "Hey kids! Quit screaming!". He then laid back down and said, "That's better...".
-ABC is airing the final three episodes of Pushing Daisies starting tomorrow. Yay!
-My sister sent me this. I think the Mr. Porter is my favorite. Or the Mr. Charley. Oh, this will be used...
-Ring of the week:
(I'm in love with all her rings. And most of the shoes. And, oh yeah. The message.)
-Song of the week:
(driving me mad, neil finn) - One of my favorites; solo from Neil. I never get sick of this song. Not to mention that it totally reminds me of the show Isaac and I saw in Portland. One of the best concerts, ever. This clip is from 7 Worlds Collide (hmmm...I think I found my DVD viewing for this weekend!). A second 7 Worlds was broadcast last weekend. Just not here. Can't wait until it's also out on DVD.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Everybody Cut Loose
Shouldn't a person, by the time they are 35, know what their talents are? I've been reading about talents and creativity a lot lately and have concluded I may be talent free. Well, I'm really good at mocking stupidity, but I'm pretty sure that isn't the type of "talent" I'm supposed to be cultivating...
I can't sing - DON'T sing except for the car and stupid songs with Sammy - took six years of piano and never got farther than learning most of Somebody by Depeche Mode and Groovy Kind of Love (and that was only with writing the letters of the notes above the actual notes...yeah, I sucked that badly!). So, nope. Music, sadly, is out. Crafty? No way. My type of crafty is housed in a Pier One store...And everything else 'obvious' I have to work very hard at to just platueau to average.
I'm on a quest, so my question to you all is...what are your talents? Do you have talents now that you had to really work at or do you maintain the ones that come naturally and forget about the rest? Looking beyond the obvious, what talents do you admire in others?
I can't sing - DON'T sing except for the car and stupid songs with Sammy - took six years of piano and never got farther than learning most of Somebody by Depeche Mode and Groovy Kind of Love (and that was only with writing the letters of the notes above the actual notes...yeah, I sucked that badly!). So, nope. Music, sadly, is out. Crafty? No way. My type of crafty is housed in a Pier One store...And everything else 'obvious' I have to work very hard at to just platueau to average.
I'm on a quest, so my question to you all is...what are your talents? Do you have talents now that you had to really work at or do you maintain the ones that come naturally and forget about the rest? Looking beyond the obvious, what talents do you admire in others?
same, same!
all about me
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
All I've Ever Wanted
Lbs got me thinking about vacation (she's going to Hawaii next month). Specifically, she got me thinking about hot vacation spots I have no desire to visit and ones I really want to go to. I feel a list coming on...
Top 5 spots I feel no desire to visit:
1. Hawaii (just...got nothing)
2. Alaska (though I will suck this one up at some point for Isaac!)
3. Anything Disney related (four years in San Diego = not one visit to the magic kingdom)
4. The Grand Canyon (grew up in New Mexico, have seen canyons...clearly this one is just, um, bigger? Yeah, I'll pass)
5. Asia as a whole (again, got nothing)
Top 5 spots I really, really want to visit (and haven't already):
1. Ireland / England (I have to wait until Isaac's mindset will let him go back and not convulse...)
2. Boston / Salem Massachusetts
3. Greece. And more Greece. And then a little more Greece.
4. Italy
5. Iceland (that's right...)
Top 5 spots I feel no desire to visit:
1. Hawaii (just...got nothing)
2. Alaska (though I will suck this one up at some point for Isaac!)
3. Anything Disney related (four years in San Diego = not one visit to the magic kingdom)
4. The Grand Canyon (grew up in New Mexico, have seen canyons...clearly this one is just, um, bigger? Yeah, I'll pass)
5. Asia as a whole (again, got nothing)
Top 5 spots I really, really want to visit (and haven't already):
1. Ireland / England (I have to wait until Isaac's mindset will let him go back and not convulse...)
2. Boston / Salem Massachusetts
3. Greece. And more Greece. And then a little more Greece.
4. Italy
5. Iceland (that's right...)
same, same!
travel
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
The Heart, It Hurts
Sammy is sick. Probably the sickest he's been in his life, which, I realize, is still not horribly sick. But still. My baby is sick.
I've said it a million times before and I'll most likely say it a million times again: I never wanted kids. It's something I knew from a very young age and battled the thought all through adulthood. I was upfront with anyone I dated; sometimes it was an issue, sometimes not. As many of you now know, it was an issue in my first marriage. Not THE issue, not the only issue, but certainly a topic of conversation. He always hoped I would change my mind. I never did. I come from the "two yes / one no" school of thought on the issue and held fast to that.
When I met Isaac, I knew he wanted kids. He knew I didn't. The difference was that he never made it an issue. Sure, we talked a lot about it, but in the end, he left the ultimate decision up to me. He'd tell me how he'd rather be with me without kids than with someone else with kids. That I was his priority and if we never had kids, we never had kids and we'd still have a great life. Ever true to his word, he never pushed. For the seven childless years we had before Sammy, he never pushed or demanded or pouted or forced the issue. Not once. He understood that it was my body so I had the ultimate say in what happened to it. He understood.
It was so easy while in Portland. We didn't want kids while Isaac was in grad school, so it became my easy answer: "Oh, not now. We're waiting.". It was such a crutch. I held tightly to that crutch through the first few months of living in San Diego and then, one day, I knew. I simply knew that I had to make a decision. Quickly. I was living in torment, mostly self made, and I needed to face the decision head on. I was out of my 20s. We were out of grad school. We had plans. It was time. So I talked and prayed and cried and meditated and talked and prayed and never got an answer. I mentally flipped a coin and said screw it. Let's get it over with and try. Clearly, I was in the right frame of mind.
About a month later, I got pregnant for the first time and I cried. Not tears of joy. Cried. Bawled for days about how I made a mistake. It wasn't pretty. I said things that I'm not proud of. I stole all joy from Isaac. I was enraged! It happened too quickly. I wasn't honestly ready. Several weeks later, I was at the grocery store and slipped and fell on some water. I miscarried the next day. I was so very numb through it all. Not happy, not sad. Very indifferent, though.
It took nine months until I could talk myself into trying again. I so wanted to say, "we tried, it didn't work, but I gave it my best shot" and never try again, but I didn't. And, about a month later...This time I didn't have morning sickness like I had with my miscarriage. This time I didn't cry quite as hard. But I was still the most scared I'd ever been. I didn't know anyone could fear pregnancy as much as I did.
In the three years since, I've learned a lot. I've learned that you can love this kid so much it hurts. I've learned that I'm not a great mom. I'm adequate, but not great. I've learned that I'm not a natural at all of this and I have to work so hard, every day, to just stay up to the level more maternal moms are naturally on. I've learned that I regret and I'm happy and during one day I experience every emotion possible.
But as this sweet, kind, feverish boy sleeps between us, so congested, my heart simply hurts. I put aside the fear and the doubt. The inadequacies and the work. I, at once, long for the woman who wanted to be unencumbered and was able to rest and am amazed at the woman who wants nothing more than her boy to easily breathe.
I've said it a million times before and I'll most likely say it a million times again: I never wanted kids. It's something I knew from a very young age and battled the thought all through adulthood. I was upfront with anyone I dated; sometimes it was an issue, sometimes not. As many of you now know, it was an issue in my first marriage. Not THE issue, not the only issue, but certainly a topic of conversation. He always hoped I would change my mind. I never did. I come from the "two yes / one no" school of thought on the issue and held fast to that.
When I met Isaac, I knew he wanted kids. He knew I didn't. The difference was that he never made it an issue. Sure, we talked a lot about it, but in the end, he left the ultimate decision up to me. He'd tell me how he'd rather be with me without kids than with someone else with kids. That I was his priority and if we never had kids, we never had kids and we'd still have a great life. Ever true to his word, he never pushed. For the seven childless years we had before Sammy, he never pushed or demanded or pouted or forced the issue. Not once. He understood that it was my body so I had the ultimate say in what happened to it. He understood.
It was so easy while in Portland. We didn't want kids while Isaac was in grad school, so it became my easy answer: "Oh, not now. We're waiting.". It was such a crutch. I held tightly to that crutch through the first few months of living in San Diego and then, one day, I knew. I simply knew that I had to make a decision. Quickly. I was living in torment, mostly self made, and I needed to face the decision head on. I was out of my 20s. We were out of grad school. We had plans. It was time. So I talked and prayed and cried and meditated and talked and prayed and never got an answer. I mentally flipped a coin and said screw it. Let's get it over with and try. Clearly, I was in the right frame of mind.
About a month later, I got pregnant for the first time and I cried. Not tears of joy. Cried. Bawled for days about how I made a mistake. It wasn't pretty. I said things that I'm not proud of. I stole all joy from Isaac. I was enraged! It happened too quickly. I wasn't honestly ready. Several weeks later, I was at the grocery store and slipped and fell on some water. I miscarried the next day. I was so very numb through it all. Not happy, not sad. Very indifferent, though.
It took nine months until I could talk myself into trying again. I so wanted to say, "we tried, it didn't work, but I gave it my best shot" and never try again, but I didn't. And, about a month later...This time I didn't have morning sickness like I had with my miscarriage. This time I didn't cry quite as hard. But I was still the most scared I'd ever been. I didn't know anyone could fear pregnancy as much as I did.
In the three years since, I've learned a lot. I've learned that you can love this kid so much it hurts. I've learned that I'm not a great mom. I'm adequate, but not great. I've learned that I'm not a natural at all of this and I have to work so hard, every day, to just stay up to the level more maternal moms are naturally on. I've learned that I regret and I'm happy and during one day I experience every emotion possible.
But as this sweet, kind, feverish boy sleeps between us, so congested, my heart simply hurts. I put aside the fear and the doubt. The inadequacies and the work. I, at once, long for the woman who wanted to be unencumbered and was able to rest and am amazed at the woman who wants nothing more than her boy to easily breathe.
same, same!
Sammy
Sunday, May 24, 2009
The Search Is Over
I need to add on to this post by simply saying...I found it! I found the holy grail, people!
Sharon and I went shopping Friday afternoon (building her new wardrobe of awesome skinny clothes!), deciding instead of leaving town, to shop downtown - an area we both tend to forget or ignore. We decided to start with eating lunch, but our restaurant choice was packed (seriously wall to wall packed) with the lunch rush and we were too hungry to wait. We decided to go to the little college cafe a block down instead. The menu was short, the wait was long, the place was nearly empty; it seemed as though the only employee was the owner who was in no hurry whatsoever. It was fine, but we were growing impatient with hunger. He must have known, though, that all would be forgiven the second mouth hit bread. I've never wanted to kiss a stranger more!
We ended up ordering the same thing: turkey, cheese, cream cheese, dill mayo, lettuce, avocado and cranberry sauce (hold the cranberry on mine, the avocado on Sharon's). The bread was lightly toasted but still soft as a pillow. Heaven, in fact. The entire sandwich was so, so heavenly, we both stopped several times during the meal to marvel at the perfection ("Do you want some gum? That would be perfection...") of it all.
Isaac and Sharon's hubby tried to go there Friday night for dinner, but they were closed. I'm assuming they are a breakfast / lunch only kind of place. I'm ok with that. I really shouldn't have that sort of option for dinner six days a week!
Sharon and I went shopping Friday afternoon (building her new wardrobe of awesome skinny clothes!), deciding instead of leaving town, to shop downtown - an area we both tend to forget or ignore. We decided to start with eating lunch, but our restaurant choice was packed (seriously wall to wall packed) with the lunch rush and we were too hungry to wait. We decided to go to the little college cafe a block down instead. The menu was short, the wait was long, the place was nearly empty; it seemed as though the only employee was the owner who was in no hurry whatsoever. It was fine, but we were growing impatient with hunger. He must have known, though, that all would be forgiven the second mouth hit bread. I've never wanted to kiss a stranger more!
We ended up ordering the same thing: turkey, cheese, cream cheese, dill mayo, lettuce, avocado and cranberry sauce (hold the cranberry on mine, the avocado on Sharon's). The bread was lightly toasted but still soft as a pillow. Heaven, in fact. The entire sandwich was so, so heavenly, we both stopped several times during the meal to marvel at the perfection ("Do you want some gum? That would be perfection...") of it all.
Isaac and Sharon's hubby tried to go there Friday night for dinner, but they were closed. I'm assuming they are a breakfast / lunch only kind of place. I'm ok with that. I really shouldn't have that sort of option for dinner six days a week!
same, same!
random
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