Things That Shouldn't Be Difficult at 35

I was...not the most popular in high school. I wasn't a huge outcast, either, though. I was somewhere in the middle. I was casual friends with a lot of people in all different groups. But I remember looking at this one particular group of people and just always being on the fringe. I ALMOST had the right clothes. I ALMOST had the witty banter. I ALMOST had the confidence. Once you go to college, you get to reinvent yourself. And, yet? I found myself on the fringe of things wanted, yet again. I blamed so much; mostly myself. If I were just prettier or better or thinner (which, is ridiculous). I put versions of myself out there that weren't the complete truth, merely what I thought was needed to get myself out of the fringe and into the thick of things.

I've mentioned before about the difficulty I had the four years we lived in San Diego. I take full responsibility in that. When I was deciding whether or not to have kids, I had a very wise man tell me that I needed to surround myself with women I admired in order to make my decision built on truth rather than fear. So I set out to put myself out there and be social, which, surprisingly, is a tremendously difficult thing for me to do. I joined a writer's group (which I only went to once), I hung out with the girls at park day on Wednesdays (which I loved and didn't go to nearly as often as I should have). I went and did and tried. And then I gave up. I was surrounded by amazing women and, when I didn't find my niche right off, I gave up.

Last year, in preparation to move and just after, I talked about changing again. How this time would be different. I would be myself and things, friends would fall into place and I would finally - FINALLY - be out of the fringe.

Sometimes I think I don't know how to be a friend and I wonder if the problem is that I'm just bad at it. I do a flurry of things and then when I can't do one activity or I have to say no to a couple of things because life gets in the way, I feel guilty and then wonder if they think I'm a flake. Isaac thinks I set myself up to impossible standards and he's probably right. I think I need to be the end all be all for my friends and then when I don't get it right or when I don't know how, I withdraw and keep to myself and assume everyone's thinking the worst. I really need to know how to do better. Be better. At 35, I just thought the answer would be easier, but instead, it's the same answer that's always been there. Be myself, be open and let the rest follow. If, at this point in my life, I feel I'm still on the fringe, it's up to me, and only me, to change that. Be better. Do better. Finally figure this friend thing out.

Should Have and Did

How things should have gone this week:
Mon / Tues / Wed - nothing scheduled, finish up some projects
Thurs - enjoy a girls night out
Fri - a reception, talking and laughing and catching up with her

How things did go this week:
Mon / Tues - nothing scheduled, finish up some projects
Wed / Thurs - battle the pink eye
Thurs / Fri - battle three colds+fever

Sad.

Things I'm Currently Wanting

1. All The Better To Kiss You With lip gloss. In peppermint, pomegranate and chai mandarin. Because I have an addiction.

2. New kitchen glasses. Though I've been, um, advised that I should pare down first. Apparently there are some who think I have too many...

3. This print. Since I first saw it last summer, it's been in my bookmarks patiently waiting.

4. This notebook. Isaac is always looking for a place to jot notes. Isn't this perfect?

5. Boots. I keep putting off getting some. If I continue at this pace, summer will be here before I just get some already! Uggs were on sale at rei.com yesterday and I waited too long. Now I'm waiting again.

6. A Writer's Market subscription, but their website has been up and down for the past two weeks. Annoying.

7. Cute undies for Sammy. We're gearing up to start thinking about potty training. Someday. Maybe this summer. But these may hurry the process since they are so darn cute!

8. Time for yoga.

9. Mugs. I love mugs. Especially these. However, refer back to #2.

10. Ann Coulter to stop talking.

11. This book. Or this book. Or this book.

12. A good recipe for homemade pasta.

13. A trip. To Portland. Or New York. Soon.

The Eyes Have It...

(I love random gross eye pictures - thanks Internet! Not really. I have to always ask Isaac to flip the covers of his magazines when they are lying around because, hey! Not the greatest for company to stare at!)

There are many things that go through your mind when you realize you are marrying an eye doctor. Free glasses for life. Easy access to all medical questions (oh, wait...is that just me?). Dish dropping concern for every twitch, itch or inflammation that your eye will ever experience. None of them happen. Not a one. It's kind of disheartening, really.

What doesn't go through your mind is that you will get pink eye. A lot. I have no proof that it's a direct cause/effect kind of thing, but...when Isaac was in Optometry school I got pink eye like clockwork every 3-4 months. For four years. Lovely. I don't remember ever having it as a child, even though I'm sure I did, but to get it with such frequency as an adult? Madness.

Once we moved to San Diego my eye mardi gras cleared up and **poof** no more pink eye. I figured it was an Opt school fluke and I was done with the easy break outs. I've had nearly five glorious white eye filled years. Until today. I'm sorry to say that as of about 2 pm this afternoon, the conjunctivitis has returned. Maybe not QUITE as bad as the above photo, but still. That's what I FEEL like my eye looks like! Luckily, I'm a pro at this by now. Not to mention my doctor makes house calls. It's viral, no meds, eye drops for the discomfort, no contacts, no make up until it clears, don't rub my eye, don't share my towel. It'll clear in a few days.

The one silver flicker is, being married to an Optometrist, I know that pink eye isn't as contagious as people think. Still contagious, but not the rampant out of control reputation it's been linked with. Poor picked on pink eye...

Because I Have No Shame, vol....um, 11?

You are in for a treat, today. Here I am on my 18th birthday. For those of you counting, that would be February 1, 1992 (aka: a freaking long time ago!). I had stayed over at my friend's house and we had a great time. Most of it spent watching Opportunity Knocks. I'm pretty sure what we are all doing in the picture has SOMETHING to do with that movie, but it's been years since I've seen it, so I'm not swearing! Notice, though, the glitter shirt, ripped jeans and moccasins. I LOVED those jeans. They were awesome and I wore them for the next couple of years until one of my guy friends at college grabbed ahold of the rip in the butt. But, well, that's another story. Back to the picture. I was a vision, I tell you! This is firmly in my "Peace Love and Understanding" / Save The World phase. I loved my last year of high school. On the one hand, I stopped worrying so much about so much. On the other, I was anxious to move on, but I definitely had a good time until college rolled around. And, well, we all know that I knew everything. I was 18, after all!