Do you know what I'm discovering is real? Mid life crises. You wake up one day, realize you are 39 and have not accomplished one darn thing in your life. You wonder where the girl went, from high school, that was going to change the world with her politics and her writing. You wonder why you are considering taking a half time job that you don't really want because you have no idea how to do what you really want to do. You fill the hours between taking your kid to school and picking up your kid at school with nothing - floundering and ridiculousness. You realize that it's simply not enough and you aren't happy about it. And that it's tough to not feel like life is set in stone. That it's over and rote from here on out. It's tough to feel sexy and together and adult and completely like you know what you're doing all at once.
Where does one go from this crisis? What does one do after this acknowledgment? When you realize that something needs to give before another 20 years goes by without one thing happening. What does the second act look like. Really. Because at this second of my life I don't really know.
I look at my friends who know and I long. I look at my husband and wish I had that fulfillment every day. I read people who seem to derive great joy from motherhood and I wish I were one of them. But instead, I'm me. Head too full of thoughts and nothing done with my life. Unsure of how to fix that and go from there. And then I wonder why I'm special...certainly there are others who never do anything special and are completely content. Who do even LESS and are fine with it. Why should I be any different?
Part of finding center is figuring this out. And having the courage to state it to begin with. I'm unfulfilled and unsure how to fix it. But I really want to.
(free, scott fisher)