My husband is amazing. One thing I admire about him is his faith. He seems to have it in spades. And I deeply envy him a lot of times. So, I'm trying to be courageous in finding my center this year and I've decided the first part of that is finding my faith. And possibly asking for help along the way.
Faith has always been tricky for me. I'm a touch it, feel it, believe it girl. I always have been. And faith is anything but tactile, which makes it...well, tricky. Looking back, I can point out numerous times where my life has been guided and, with wholehearted faith, I listened. But I think that's the easy part. Hindsight is so.much.easier than in the now. Of course we can see things more clearly with the view point of wisdom! A few weeks ago, someone at church either said or quoted about how we often don't acknowledge the answered prayers along a tough journey. That only at the end, when we can see everything clearly, all of the answers we were given can be seen: all of the help we received is plain. (Which, I love this so much more than that popular on pinterest "The Lord is quiet during the test" thing...that bothers me every time I see it!) I know why it struck my soul so deeply, but I didn't realize how it would revolutionize my thinking until recently.
We are reading Brene Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection for book club and I'm taking a class called Cultivating Courage. Both have helped my faith immensely, oddly. I'm starting to see why Isaac is able to rely on his faith instead of fear. I'm starting to understand how life is happier that way. During my health...issue the past four months, I tried to recognize the Lord's hand in my life DURING this trial and not just at the end. It was truly difficult for me, counting my answers as I go instead of wallowing. But I did it and it really did change the way I think. Because of everything I'm learning, I was able to let go (for me), ask for what I need and count my blessings along the way. I was able to see that the Lord truly understood where I was and what I needed. I was able to understand, possibly for the first time, the peace that can come, if you let it, during a trial. Instead of digging in and fighting, I let go and saw a guiding hand at every turn.
I wish I could say that this will be my new normal. I wish...I WISH. But I know me. I know how I fight against things and learn, kicking and screaming. And so I know I'll most likely have to learn this again and again. But I saw how it helped my faith. I had to lean on it and trust my gut that what I had been promised was true. However hard that was. Because in the absence of proof, that's all I had. I love proof. Isaac tells me all the time how wrong my gut OFTEN is. He isn't wrong. But what I'm learning is, my gut usually isn't wrong. It's the fear that overrides my gut that is wrong. And I need to learn to distinguish the two, in finding my center.
(faith and healing, ian mcculloch)