Top 5 Midge

I love Midge Ure. I'm not going to lie. A product of my first marriage, clearly. He doesn't get played often, but when he does, I always stop and close my eyes. I can't seem to multitask while he's playing.

1. Lied ... I have a difficult time saying how much I love this song. So much surrounding it. So very much. I have an even more difficult time not crying my way through it.


2. Breathe ... Spring. Utah spring, to be exact.


3. Cold, Cold Heart


4. Vienna


5. Somebody

So Hard

Life is hard. I know; this isn't exactly "news", but still. Life is hard. And if you looked at my life from the outside, in, you would wonder what on earth I have to complain about. I have a good marriage to a great guy. I have a good kid, a great home, steady work and lovely friends. Trust me. None of this is lost on me, I promise. But, well, life is hard. And I have felt it getting harder and harder lately. Closing in.

I'm finding everything difficult right now. I'm feeling overwhelmed and tired of the difficulty. I've been wanting help, needing help and not knowing how to get it. On top of not wanting to say anything because my problems don't seem like problems, really. Push came to shove a couple of weeks ago and I found myself making a quick doctor's appointment over something I believed was unrelated. Before I went in, Isaac told me to mention ALL of my symptoms to her - including the crushing helplessness I had been feeling and my erratic moods and, well, everything. So I did.

I LOVE my doctor. She's been my doctor since I had a cyst burst on my ovary right after Isaac and I were married. She's cut me open and held my uterus, literally, in her hands. I was so happy when we moved back that I realized I would be considered a previous (albeit 10 year lapsed!) patient and could get into her now that she was popular. And I love her even more now that she listened to my crazy rant and didn't laugh. Or belittle. Or question me when I told her I very seriously asked Isaac to commit me to an asylum a couple of months ago...What she DID do, though, was to tell me, very gently, that I was starting peri-menopause (I'm 38, people!) and that all of my symptoms - even the crazy ones - could be explained away by that. She did some tests, took some blood (which Sammy thought cool until it actually started squirting into the vial...then not so much) and promised me I'd live. With one condition. That I go to a therapist and work through my anxiety and ask about a mood stabilizing something to get me through the next few years of hormonal craziness. Because, oh. Apparently it's craziness, my friends. I don't have any womanly role models, here, since the women in my family all lack woman parts. I'm blazing the trail, here. And not loving it.

Though I'm a little happy to know my crazy was real crazy and not just me crazy. Because man. I was LOSING it.


(so hard, pet shop boys)

A Month? Already?

Us. One month later than one month ago. Hee! I'm so...eh.


Playing a rousing game of tic tac toe...



(shout to the top, the style council...oh, paul)

Time

Seven years ago today, the former drummer for Crowded House killed himself. I remember it well, but it doesn't seem like it was seven years ago.

I have a tough time, lately, wrapping my head around the concept of time. It feels just a few seconds ago that I was in high school and at the same time it feels decades since I was married the first time. It's not so much getting older and things "had to be just a few days ago" that clearly weren't, but that I honestly have things mixed up in my head. Or everything being all jumbled IS a sign of me being old and I'm just in denial.

When did this happen? When did 10 years ago start feeling like yesterday and two weeks ago begin to feel like a lifetime? Was it always that way and I'm just off enough to start noticing?

While browsing Netflix yesterday, Sammy saw some random show he used to watch. "Oh, man! I LOVED that show when I was younger!". Maybe I'm full of it and it just always IS the state of being.


(better be home soon, neil finn)