Someone Everyone Should Know

It's becoming more and more obvious to myself and my lovely husband that I'm having a full on mid-life crisis. Turning 38 (such an ugly age!) is playing with my head. I can't tell you the number of times the past few weeks I've said to Isaac "I can't do this anymore" whether it's about parenting, writing, living, breathing...But the one thing I've never said it about is Isaac.

I asked, recently, why he stays with a clearly mad and insane woman and he told me it was because he loved me and we're family, for better or worse. And he made a promise long ago that he would never go anywhere for any reason. Lofty? Perhaps. But I believe him. With everything I have. I may not have a lot of faith in things, but in Isaac, I have it in spades. He married a deeply flawed woman who needs his support more than he could have ever imagined. And he bears it amazingly well.

I'm not one for mush. I don't often tell people exactly what they mean to me. Instead, I hold back. I keep to myself. I'm afraid of letting them in, for fear of them leaving. I have scars from my divorce that I'm still battling with, clearly, and it takes everything I have to actually tell Isaac (or anyone) what he means to me. To be vulnerable. To soften the harsh edges.

I married so entirely out of my league when I married Isaac. He is an incredible man and best friend and lover. He is patient and kind. He is funny. He calms my crazy. He picks up my slack again and again and is the glue that holds this family together. Everyone, truly, should know him. Because when you do, you are simply a better person.

I love you, baby. I've done many stupid and crazy things in my life, but marrying you is not one of them. I will be forever grateful that I decided YOU were worth fighting for. Happy birthday tomorrow. I will do my best to make it a lovely (less crazy) day for you.


(david gray, you're the world to me)

The Money Stuff

Sometimes, as a parent, you wonder if ANYTHING you are saying is sinking into your kid. Especially one who has to test the limits of everything and question everything. And, then. One day. One day, you are standing in the check out line in IKEA and your kid says something amazing and you start crying because you realize he GETS it. Something clicked! Finally. After wondering and wondering and wondering you realize that the endless talking paid off.

We've been working on money stuff with Sammy, it seems, forever. And nothing seemed to be clicking. He would get money. He would spend money. He would be disappointed over not having money the next instant. We talked and talked about saving for the things he really wanted, to no avail. He had a little money in his wallet, looking forward to going to Target. Our first stop was IKEA and he found a stuffed dog he wanted. We both asked him if he was sure, how much the dog was, blah blah blah. He was insistent. We finished shopping and were standing in the check out line when Sammy took the dog and asked, "So if I buy the dog will that be all my money?". I said yes, he wouldn't have anything left when we went to Target. He looked at the dog and thought. He gave it to me and said, "I should put this back, then".

I'm not going to lie. I totally cried. I wonder and wonder if he's listening and getting things (it seems to take him so long!) and this was the first time it finally clicked. He always acts (age appropriately, I get) that there is an endless stream of money. We both are so paranoid that he not grow up entitled, knowing VERY well that he is growing up with way more than either of us did, and we are trying so hard to curb that. To block it before it happens. And every time he said "we can just buy another. We can just get a new one", I died a little inside that it wasn't working. So Monday, it was lovely. It was confirmation that if you do talk enough, eventually they may actually pick something up.


(fitz and the tantrums - moneygrabber)

I'm A Winner!

My. How big of me! Hee!

I've said for the past two years that my word takes me unexpected places. Here it is, mid February and I can ALREADY say the same of this year. In putting myself out there, a little more, trying to figure out the root of all anxiety. And in doing so, I've entered to win two different on-line courses. One a creative course and one a body image course. And I've won spots in both, in addition to a couple of other things related to my word.

I'm slowly working my way through both courses right now. I'm learning a lot. Some surprising and some not so much. I'm finding that areas I thought were issues aren't. And I'm learning a lot about myself and my truths. When I'm done, I'm sure I'll have a lot to share.

Right now, though, I'm trying hard to decide what this winning is trying to teach me. I don't want to waste this opportunity. I feel blessed and lucky (though I know it's not really luck) to being given these opportunities. I shouldn't be surprised at all of these gifts and forward movement, but somehow I am.


(winner takes nothing, camouflage)

Randomy McRandom

We spent the day yesterday in Salt Lake. I'm always amazed at the limits we test hauling back our stash from IKEA. Of both our car and bank account, oddly enough. Desk and chair for Sammy. Chair for our living room. And 3 million dollars worth of miscellaneous. Or, you know, not.

One of my best friends had her first baby yesterday and I'm beyond thrilled for her. I can't remember the last time I shed actual tears when someone gave birth. I can't wait to meet him!

Sammy knocked over a lamp in a store yesterday and broke it. I was SO MAD at him. I wanted the store personnel to, at least, yell at him a little. But no. What we got was a "oh, yeah. We'll get to it, don't worry about it". How am I supposed to impart to my kid that his not listening just broke a $50 lamp?

This kills me. What a dipwad of a guy. And people wonder why I try to ignore that BYU exists...

There was a conference of four police cars at the end of our street last night. Which, if you knew my street, would realize that is odd and a little concerning. I wish I knew what was going on.

My house? I don't know that it has ever been messier. After I attend a school event with Sammy this morning, I really need to stop ignoring it all. And maybe make a menu. I'm thinking 7 bean soup for dinner tonight.

I have yet to watch to the season finale of Downton Abbey from Sunday. It's killing me! And, I'm realizing that my whole "cleaning the house" plan will seriously get in the way of it again. Sigh...Maybe tonight.


(monsters and angels, voice of the beehive)