I often wonder what someone looking at our snapshots of life, without knowing any other details about us, would think of us. What story do those shots tell?
My friend Kim posted a month or so ago about taking a snapshot of her kids the same day every month to mark the changes in them and their lives. That idea has been percolating in my mind ever since. The 27th is both Sammy's birth day and our anniversary day, so I thought that would be the perfect day to try this, needing an easy reminder day. We'll see how I do. And will continue to wonder what people think when they catch glimpses of this little life we're carving.
January 27, 2012:
(us, last night...me, relaxing after a rough head-achy day, Isaac just home from work and the boy heading to bed...picture, blurry and quick because I nearly forgot before I even began.)
I've always been a guy's girl. I relate more to them. They've always been better friends. It was a tough transition after I got married to cultivate women friendships because I'm not the best at them. I don't get the women drama, I think. I've been lucky, lately, at finding women who are similar in eschewing that stereotype, as well, so that has definitely helped, but when I find myself embroiled in a high school-esque drama situation, I feel helpless and so very confused. Why can't all friendships be easy and drama free? Why can't we all just say what we mean, take breaks in the relationship as needed and just...be there for one another? Why the high school drama tactics to the women who are supposed to mean the most to us? I live in a simplistic ideal, clearly.
I've begun to notice that this confusion extends into moms needing to trump other moms, as well. I had forgotten how cutthroat the business of first babies can be, but have been observing it from the sidelines with my friend. A 37 week pregnant "I'm tired and uncomfortable" becomes a one-upmanship free for all. "You think you're tired now? Just you wait." "Oh. I hear you. I am EXHAUSTED today with my kids running around." "Try sleeping with a toddler AND being pregnant!" And I just want to say...REALLY? Why can't we say anything helpful? Why do we have to be top martyr in the game of life and make everything all about us? Why can't we just say..."Oh, man. I'm so sorry! I remember how miserable that is. What can I do to help?" Playing the "Just you wait" game is not helpful. You don't know what my kid is going to be like next year and just because your little Beelzebub was a certain way doesn't mean mine will be and even if he is? Not my concern right now. My concern is the here and now in my parenting journey and I need empathy and support. Not judgey holier than thou narcissistic warbling. I know I've been guilty, but I've been trying to be super aware of how I phrase things and being more empathetic and less self involved. Because why do we feel the need to make everything a competition? Everyone's journey is different and we all are doing our best. HELPFUL hints. HELPFUL comments. Support and a well placed "how can I help". That's what we need. Because sleeping 27 years pregnant does suck. No matter if it's your first, third or 20th. No one upping needed, there.
You know those moments in life when you find yourself enveloped in a great big ball o' pity? That was me this past week. BEYOND in a funk. Blinding rage for anything and everything in my path. I withdrew in person and online until I could get a handle on it. Which I did. Mostly. Laughing so hard you cry at Starbucks with friends also helped. It always does.
I have nothing in my life that's just for me. Wow. Talk about sweeping generalizations! But I feel it's true. I gave up writing, because that wasn't happening and now I'm left with...well, blinding murderous rage, apparently. And little else. I have nothing I'm good at. I have no career and no hobbies. This "mom" thing is taxing most days and I don't feel I'm very good at it, so that leaves me feeling very empty, indeed.
The real problem, however, is I'm rooted in confusion to the point that I don't know what to do to FIX this. I have no solutions. I have no answers. I have no plan. And that is frustrating me greatly, because at 38 years old, one would think I would have a plan. Instead, I just feel lost and empty and so confused and so very ashamed that I have wasted so very long chasing a dream that is clearly not going to pan out only to be this old and have no other purpose. What exactly happened? And what do I do about it? I have no answers right now. But I need to find some before I go completely insane.
