Man. I REALLY get this lately.
It's difficult when something familiar becomes unsafe. A house, a marriage, a relationship, a friendship. The one thing you used to count on to be your haven turns cold with a giant elephant the only decoration. Where once you could let down your hair, now you keep it clipped up. Buttoned up. Trying to close down the vulnerability previously shown. You recognize the need for change but are unsure how to achieve it. You wish for your heart not to hurt. To not close down the other havens, but trust in everything seems shaky.
The problem with faltering havens, for me, is that I'm not a duck and cover kind of girl. Sure, I try. But I would much rather air it out. Talk it to death and then talk a little more. There is a line in one of my favorite Better Than Ezra songs that says, "I love it when we fight. It makes me think at least you still care". I believe that to my core. I'm a bull in the china shop kind of girl. Exhausted from talking? Are we done? No? Then I don't care. We're talking more. I know I should be a little more duck like, but I need to get to the heart of the matter, instead. I need to talk and figure it out. I need to try. And at the end, if there is nothing left, that is one thing. But to not even try to restore. That is not me. I don't hide.
My havens are important to me. They allow me to be me. The real me that not everyone sees, letting that hair down. And when one is threatened, I get nervous. And sad. And a little fired up to make it right again.
(set fire to the rain, adele)
This? "The one thing you used to count on to be your haven turns cold with a giant elephant the only decoration." Best sentence ever.
ReplyDelete2.0!!
I know. And the second I can figure it out? It will happen.
DeleteI am completely unable to wax eloquent in any way shape or form... but I'll take a bash at explaining my thoughts on this. YOU, my dear, are most wonderful in SO many ways. I am so much like you in the "talking something to death thing". It helps me heal. Truly. It is not healthy to hold things in. So many times in my life when things have finally come out, one or both parties are usually completely assuming the wrong thing 100%.
ReplyDeleteI agree if you care about someone and love them, you FIGHT for them, for whatever it is you have together. This makes me happy and also very sad. HAPPIER than I've ever been for people that truly care about me (not sure why, but I love them and will be forever grateful to them) and want to have "something" with me. But very sad about those in my life who are unwilling to forgive or look past issues and "talk it out" because yes, in a very real way it shows they don't care enough to make it work. They don't want to or maybe they never did. It's hard for me to let go when I still care about a person and I just don't "get" why they don't feel the same about me or "us".
You know better than most the last year has brought more of this sadness into my life than ever before and just the last 4 months or so, I've finally realized it's NOT WORTH IT. The "ball is in their court" so to speak. If they can't see that I'm trying and that I truly care... then it's time for me to walk away and invest my time in relationships that make me happy. Love you
I think you waxed just fine, my love! Amen to all of that. It's hard when a "fighter" and a "run scared from emotion-er" have to overcome something, no?
DeleteYes, it's so true... never thought I'd say this, but! "My therapist said" (hee hee) that those two basic personalities, the "FIGHTER" and the "RUN AWAY SCARED" are the most difficult to ever truly understand each other and get along, no matter the love they have for each other. It seems obvious, really, but when I can see specific personality traits like that it's easier for me to say to myself that it's going to take more effort for said relationship to work out. In fact. those relationships might NOT ever work out. It helps me feel like I can stop beating myself up over it and stop trying too hard. blah blah... I am seriously rambling today.
ReplyDeleteI did say that I like to talk things to death.
Interesting...and I can totally see that. Now to work on the "I've done everything in my power and can do no more" removal of guilt!
DeleteWhere are Lora's cookies when you really need them...Hee!
DeleteThere right here! I have 6 dozen, yes 6, just waiting to be consumed in the spirit of guilt-death! And amen to all.
DeleteWait. Six...DOZEN? Holy hannah, Mama. I had no idea the guilt had sunken you so low. On the other hand? YUM.
DeleteUm, yeah. The recipe makes 8 dozen. We won't got into how many I ate and how few, I mean many, David ate. I wonder if Ben will still like pumpkin chocolate chip cookies in the future....?
DeleteWV: Oomel Velame.... sounds like a good cuss word or something to cast a spell.
I LOVE pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. But I would be taxed with what to do with 8 dozen! I will cross my fingers for Ben discovering goodies in the freezer!
DeleteAnd I think Oomel Velame is definitely the kind of swear word you say as you shove another cookie in your mouth... ;)
If I don't have guilt can I still have a cookie?
ReplyDeleteI don't know, we might have to go sparingly! :)
DeleteBeautifully written as always. You have such a great way with words that I wish I had when I'm trying to talk to people. I just get flooded and my brain goes white and blank.
ReplyDeleteOh, love. You do realize that you have MANY gifts I wish I had? You are an amazing woman. And friend.
Deleteso much to say and tell about how I can relate to this post in the last two weeks. *sigh* Will an "I feel ya!" do?
ReplyDeleteOh, Trish. I hope everything's ok!
DeleteMost things are okay. Wonderful, really. Some things suck more than ever before. But life goes on.
Delete