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Thing the Second: I had a super disappointing thing happen on Sunday. In the grand scheme of life, it was tiny. I get that. But I still wanted to throw a fit and have people rally around me and be just as mad about it. Which I did. Unabashedly. I rallied the troops and cried and pouted. And...I felt foolish. Because it IS a silly thing to be upset about, in the grand scheme. But upset I am. So many say I'm completely real, here. And, well, I think you all are full of it, but in that spirit, I want to share why I was/am upset. Get ready to shake your heads in disappointment.
We each have callings (responsibilities) in my church. My current (former?) one is my favorite. I love it very much. And not only that? I'm GOOD at it. Darn good. And I don't say that in a prideful way at all. I'm that good at very little, but with this thing? I'm so very good. And appreciated. And it's being taken away. For something I deem "lesser" (which, yes, I know...my incorrect issue - there is no "lesser"). I came home feeling demoted and unappreciated. I said things I'm sure I shouldn't have. But the thing I couldn't say into the air? They are taking away the one thing I truly love about Sundays.
I'm having such a difficult time with church right now and this was the one thing I knew I was good at and could look forward to and now? I have no desire to even go. Which, I KNOW is not the answer. But it sounds heavenly, I won't lie, to just stop trying to fit my square peg into this very round hole every week. I'm having a tough time finding my spot and trying to keep finding my spot. I'm having a tough time making (and most importantly!) keeping friends. There are women there that I KNOW are my trial. There are people I thought were my friends that don't speak to me any more, now that they have been released of their obligation to do so. And (are you ready for a whole LOT of crazy half baked judgement?) I feel I have a lot to offer and am being overlooked for some that...well... (I know, I know...you don't have to say it. I'm not proud).
And before someone gives me a sermon on pride, I KNOW. I do. But that doesn't change how I feel. It doesn't make Sundays easier. It doesn't make me cling to my friends I DO HAVE THERE any less. It doesn't make me hide behind Isaac any less. It doesn't make me wonder about who I am at the very core, less. Or wish that I could hand pick my congregation full of friends who love me. Or...I don't know. I'm just sad I lost my place. And I'll keep trying to smile and be friendly and get to know people, because that's who I am. And I'm here for the long haul, so it's also who I NEED to be. But I can't promise that I'll be all sunshine and roses about it soon.
(eve 6, inside out)
I don't have a whole lot to say except 'I'm sorry'.... It just REALLY sucks to feel SO uncomfortable in a place you KEEP having to go to... AND you loose one of your favorite parts of the whole thing and it just makes it worse.... I love you! I wish you could be in MY ward :)
ReplyDeleteI felt some of that the last time I was released from a calling. I think I talked about it a bookclub too. :) I was hurt at first, but now I like the calling I have, so I guess it worked out. I am sorry you are feeling like you don't fit in. I hate that feeling and I wish you didn't have to feel it. You know you are always welcome here. :)
ReplyDeleteThat seems to be the case with most of my callings. About the time I start to feel confident, comfortable, like I know what I'm doing and am doing a good job of it then I get released. I guess that's so I can move on to something else where I can learn and grow. How I love those learning experiences, not.
ReplyDeleteI can't say I love my ward either. I don't hate it, I have a few friends, but it's not the best ward I've ever been in (even though many people seem to feel that way at the pulpit). I've actually been praying for a split or boundary realignment since we moved here. It's just too big and impersonal and could use a shake-up. Is that wrong of me?
I don't know what to say, but I hope you'll get a new calling that will be a good opportunity for you.
Mr. Limbaugh should just shut-up and go back under the rock from which he crawled. That whole thing made me so mad!
ReplyDeleteAnd I feel much the same way in my ward. And I love my ward so it is kind of a weird thing for me.
Yeah, let's talk about all this at Book Club, yes?
ReplyDeleteOk. I don't promise to be QUITE as riled up, though...but I'm sure I can do my best! ;)
ReplyDeleteTawnya, I'm DYING to know your new calling, please tell.
ReplyDeleteTwice I've been released from what I thought were "important" callings and put into positions I thought were beneath me (is that prideful or what?). The first time it happened I complained to the Bishop and it turns out he was just trying to lessen the pressure on our family because of Joe's calling (the ward was split shortly after so I didn't have to endure that calling long). The second time this happened, different ward, I learned to love that "lowly" calling more than anything and I was so sad to be released a year later.
I visited my parent's ward Sunday and was talking to a lady who moved from NH. She was wearing a darling hat so I complimented her. She said thanks, and that the ward is just starting to get used to her and her hats (people in CA just don't wear hats to church). People have looked at her strangely, said rude things, etc. all because of hats. You are a free-thinker in what I assume is a cookie-cutter, homogenous Utah ward. They probably don't even know it, but are in desperate need of some diversity. Although you would fit in so perfectly in other areas, like my former ward in PA, full of highly educated women and free-thinkiers, your ward needs you. They need to be reminded that there is something out there beyond their pioneer heritage and somewhat limited way of thinking. Hang in there.