It's becoming more and more obvious to myself and my lovely husband that I'm having a full on mid-life crisis. Turning 38 (such an ugly age!) is playing with my head. I can't tell you the number of times the past few weeks I've said to Isaac "I can't do this anymore" whether it's about parenting, writing, living, breathing...But the one thing I've never said it about is Isaac.
I asked, recently, why he stays with a clearly mad and insane woman and he told me it was because he loved me and we're family, for better or worse. And he made a promise long ago that he would never go anywhere for any reason. Lofty? Perhaps. But I believe him. With everything I have. I may not have a lot of faith in things, but in Isaac, I have it in spades. He married a deeply flawed woman who needs his support more than he could have ever imagined. And he bears it amazingly well.
I'm not one for mush. I don't often tell people exactly what they mean to me. Instead, I hold back. I keep to myself. I'm afraid of letting them in, for fear of them leaving. I have scars from my divorce that I'm still battling with, clearly, and it takes everything I have to actually tell Isaac (or anyone) what he means to me. To be vulnerable. To soften the harsh edges.
I married so entirely out of my league when I married Isaac. He is an incredible man and best friend and lover. He is patient and kind. He is funny. He calms my crazy. He picks up my slack again and again and is the glue that holds this family together. Everyone, truly, should know him. Because when you do, you are simply a better person.
I love you, baby. I've done many stupid and crazy things in my life, but marrying you is not one of them. I will be forever grateful that I decided YOU were worth fighting for. Happy birthday tomorrow. I will do my best to make it a lovely (less crazy) day for you.
(david gray, you're the world to me)