You know those moments in life when you find yourself enveloped in a great big ball o' pity? That was me this past week. BEYOND in a funk. Blinding rage for anything and everything in my path. I withdrew in person and online until I could get a handle on it. Which I did. Mostly. Laughing so hard you cry at Starbucks with friends also helped. It always does.
I have nothing in my life that's just for me. Wow. Talk about sweeping generalizations! But I feel it's true. I gave up writing, because that wasn't happening and now I'm left with...well, blinding murderous rage, apparently. And little else. I have nothing I'm good at. I have no career and no hobbies. This "mom" thing is taxing most days and I don't feel I'm very good at it, so that leaves me feeling very empty, indeed.
The real problem, however, is I'm rooted in confusion to the point that I don't know what to do to FIX this. I have no solutions. I have no answers. I have no plan. And that is frustrating me greatly, because at 38 years old, one would think I would have a plan. Instead, I just feel lost and empty and so confused and so very ashamed that I have wasted so very long chasing a dream that is clearly not going to pan out only to be this old and have no other purpose. What exactly happened? And what do I do about it? I have no answers right now. But I need to find some before I go completely insane.
(kiss with a fist, florence+the machine)
I'm sorry!!
ReplyDeleteYes, I do know. I hope your doing better!
ReplyDeleteYou know I love ya and for me, it's always the in-between transition part that I get most frustrated by... I know you'll find something. Don't be so hard on yourself -- you are so wonderful! :)
ReplyDeleteAs Lacy said, I think it is a transition time. Means you are on the brink of finding a new purpose. Right before a breakthrough is the toughest time for me. Makes me want to give up and throw my hands in the air and scream until its over. But in the end, the new change is almost always the best thing.
ReplyDelete