I often feel stating my word of the year shows me in a very uncomfortable, vulnerable light. I feel stripped bare as I lay the pieces at your feet throughout the year. It's such an odd process and if I didn't find it so invaluable, I'd most likely give it up completely. Especially this year. This year I feel so broken open. So exposed.
But here is the thing (and there is always a 'thing', right?). I have a GREAT life. I have the best husband in the known world. I have a great son. I have friends and resources and enough for my needs and most of my wants. I am happy. I am blessed. Life is, dare I say?, good. So good. And that is what brought me to my word. Because even though it's good - and it is - I know it can be even better.
I have a portion of my soul that I write about. It leads some to believe that I'm negative. That I'm unhappy. That I don't allow failure to surround me. Nothing is further from the truth. I'm not negative. All the time. I'm happy. Most of the time. I fail. Often. I write about this portion, which, admittedly, if you don't know me, you may take away that it is the WHOLE rather than the PART. It is the portion that drives the fear and as such, I need to get it under control. To make things even better. Even happier. To live my life with joy. But this portion, it leaves me feeling bare and broken open, for the entire world to judge and sit as witnesses. And that leaves me apprehensive. Because I don't want this journey to become the whole story. I want to keep it just a portion, but I fear (FEAR! See? I need this!) it's dominant simply by way of being foremost in my mind. And I need to remember to treat it as the part it is and not as the whole it is not.
(stripped, depeche mode)
And this is why I only post pictures and tidbits about life on my blog. It IS scary to put yourself out there and be judged. And I'm too fearful and worry.
ReplyDeleteBut those who know you are very aware that you are happy and spicy and fun. And most of all.....real! So sometimes real might seem negative but real is actually brave when putting yourself out there for everyone to read.
I look up to you for this. And I tell myself all the time that I will get real on my blog for the world to see. Cause you can help someone at a time they need it and you might not ever know it :)
Great post. I think having a little bit of fear somewhere inside of us can be a good thing... maybe fear isn't the word I should use, but motivation? to change yourself, your environment, your life. I FEAR staying the same. I don't want to get to the point where I don't care anymore.
ReplyDeleteAnd by the way, I LOVE THIS SONG!!!!!
Amen! You are so very much more than whatever word of the year you choose. So much more that simply cannot be defined within one word! And a big amen to a lot of what Cheryl said. Brave and real. We need more of that in the world. So much better than a valium induced society that doesn't value their own opinion enough to be honest with themselves let alone anyone else.
ReplyDeleteThank you all. I love you!
ReplyDeleteAnd Lacy, I swear I had a religious experience during this song at the concert a couple of years ago. It was AMAZING.
You are awesome. Keeping it real for sure! I identify with you so much. I think it's a gift that you can do that so eloquently, one so needed in this world.
ReplyDeleteMy counselor gave a great analogy of viewing people's characteristics like a white picket fence. All of us have some broken pickets but there are some really awesome, beautiful ones, too. They all make up the whole fence. Some pickets are really just unique or a different color.It's just standing back to get perspective of the entire fence and not being so near-sighted you miss it. I really like that analogy. Thanks for doing what you do and being who you are.
Yes, I had a GIANT DM poster above my bed in college and I got some paint and sprayed "STRIPPED" in HUGE black letters across it -- it was AWESOME. YOU are awesome. Sorry my comments are so random, but I love you always.
ReplyDeleteAwesome. (and you're comments are no longer spam...yay!)
ReplyDelete