I've decided I can't be everything. Trying hard to be everything - and be good at it - is one of the reasons I'm paralyzed and only trying and not really doing anything. So I need to give things up, whether real or perceived.
1. My quilt. I'm not finishing it. It was a ridiculous notion to think I could do it to begin with. What I've attempted, which is painfully little, since my mother in law helped, is not good and has been taken out and ignored. I'm not sure what I will do with it, probably give it to someone who CAN use it. We'll see.
2. My writing. Well, not all of it. But the idea of pressure from it. I'm nearing 40. It's not happening. I need to face it. Let it go. Pick up the pieces and if anything is left, fine. If not, fine.
3. My strength. I need to be weak for a little while. Stop smiling and telling everyone I'm fine. Things aren't all fine. And I need to make them fine. But to do that, I need to be weak and ask for help.
4. My timeline. I have a NEED for things to happen at a certain time. My garden isn't done and will most likely be postponed one more year while we sort things. I need to make sure that doesn't make me twitchy and I just let things happen as they happen. It's ok.
I realized something during a particular lowest of low points on Saturday night. I've been holding tight so many things about how things should be that I've left no room for real growth. Change. How things could be. I'm not crafty. I'm not motivated about my writing. I'm too concentrated on fear and what's going to go wrong that I'm not the happiest I could be. I need to find my 'what's next', but in the GOOD way. Not the terrified way. Giving things up is a good thing because only THEN can I have room to figure out the new. Figure out more. Have room for what's next.
(don't let it end this way, johnny hates jazz)
15 clever comments:
There really is something truly lovely about letting things go. Things that seem so important but when let go we realize that our world has not come crashing down and in fact there is more time to be who you want than ever before. Love this post. Will support in any way I can!
Send me your quilt. I will finish it for you. My gift to you. Not kidding. :)
Trish, how nice of you!
T-am I on the list at Sammy's school to be able to pick him up? Now that I'm home, I can pick him up sometimes if you want me to. It would be fun!
Trish - that IS so nice! I can't ask that of you though. It's such a tough quilt! (Wait...who am I talking to again?) My mom offered, as well, but she's having surgery on her hand next week which left me feeling AWFUL! (Not as much about her hand as that my arthritic mother could do a much better job than me!)
Sharon - you are the ONLY one on the list!
K, then! Let me pick him up sometimes.
Um...ok! I'm sure he would think it awesome. More awesome than me dragging him to the dentist today...(he's totally convince there will be pulling!)
Tawnya, this really is an AMAZING post. It really is empowering to be able to let things go. I have my list and I hold on to it fiercely, but there are a few things here and there I've let go of and my life is BETTER for it.
I would love to finish your quilt too... LOVE. Really. I have no idea what to get you for your birthday and maybe that could be your present. :) I can't say it would be done by your birthday....(this year) ha ha
Whatever you need, I am here for you. Even if you just want someone to listen. :) I love you lots and I think you are on an amazing journey :) Growing and Stretching doesn't always feel good when you're right in the middle of it, but when you can look back and see how far you've come... aaahhhh. :) It feels good.
Most of what I just said was for ME too, by the way.
Great. I'm better than the dentist. I guess I'll take what I can get ;)
Lacy-If you'll notice, her bedroom is still not painted, which is what I "gave" her for her birthday last year...
Lacy, thank you. You guys are making me tear up! The love of my friends is amazing. Truly. Now I REALLY don't know what to do with my quilt! (and how do I have so many amazing quilter friends?)
Sharon - HA! That's actually pretty good. Though I still aspire to be higher than Momo in his head...
And, well. It was a lovely present. Just because it got interrupted by life, doesn't mean it wasn't a lovely present!
I would offer to finish your quilt, but...
Also, I think you are very wise. And once again I wish I lived in Logan so we could hang out more than once every year or two.
I would love NOTHING more than you to live closer. Seriously. Have you fully explored the whole "commuting from Logan" thing yet? ;)
Well, I can't offer to finish the quilt for you, but I know Mom would love to do it for you. :) All you need to do is ask.
I need to take this advice as well. Letting go is so hard, especially when I am convinced in my head something should be a certain way. But if I can get to the point of letting it go, almost always, it is better in the end than what I thought it had to be anyway. I especially need to do that right now, when my pregnant brain is telling me go go go, but my pregnant body is saying rest, rest, rest.
I can't put into words how much I love this post. And you. You've done so much for me. You have no idea how much and I'm more than willing to help you in any way I can.
Amanda - I would ask your mom, but I inadvertently guilted her into giving Sammy a quilt last week. I think my quilt good will there is tapped out!
I love you too, Camille!
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