New Year. New Word.

As 2011 is neatly wrapped up and I'm taking final note of my journey in simplicity, I've been prompted...nay, hit over the head, my word for 2012. And it scares me to my core because I'm.Not.Ready.For.It.

It's this. Fear Less. Yes. Technically two words, but can combine to mean even more. This is the year I stop fearing what comes next. It's truly amazing how much of a life I've carved in fear. How much I've maneuvered my life in fear. Fear of the future, of what every little things means, if people like me or not, if I'm doing the right things in my marriage, in parenting, in friendship, in life. And I'm exhausted. I've had so much go on this past year with my body SCREAMING for me to give in and let go and I need to listen. I need to breathe. I need to be fearless and fear less and truly walk this slower path we've carved.

And as always, I have specific goals for this, but have no illusion that it will be the actual journey I take. What I would like to do is this. First, get the entirety of our food storage / emergency preparedness done (12 months to the end of the world people - hee!). That includes fixing our kitchen shelves, redoing Isaac's office closet into more food storage shelves and finding something for under our dining room window. Kind of like this, but more room and with doors. We also need to find a rack for our water barrels and add a couple more while we're at it. I've created a pinterest board just for this and I need to utilize it often. In addition, I want to continue with our financial goals. They are lofty, but doable and feeds in to this fearing less through preparation segment.

The next part is all about believing - that I'm a great writer. That I'm a good mom. That I'm HEALTHY. I need to believe what is true and stop doubting. I hear that OCD is often called the doubting disease and for me, it's really true. I'm tired of doubting. Of second guessing. Of jumping. It needs to stop. I've always doubted. I've always held back, been cautious. But instead of getting better with age, I keep holding back, being cautious. Instead, I want to fully invest in life. I want to be fully present and not second guess. I want to embrace life. I want to tackle my issues and deepen my relationships and live. I am a writer. I am a wife and mother. I am healthy. I am richly blessed. I am loved. I know all of this, but I am scared to let go of the fear. I've lived with a deeply, DEEPLY held belief that if life is TOO good, if you are TOO happy, something bad will happen to temper it. And I've been holding my breath for the next bad thing my entire adult life. Isaac flat out challenged me on that a few weeks ago and any shaky argument I once held for it? I couldn't anymore. It's time. I know it is. I'm way too exhausted and this new path is the only way to rest. Scared little girl or no. Because I hate change. And while I don't feel anything big on the horizon, I know this journey isn't going to be easy. Last year's changes weren't easy, either, but these I'm facing head on instead of having them sneak up as before. So. Here we go.

Happy New Year, everyone.


(overcome, better than ezra)