I've always been a guy's girl. I relate more to them. They've always been better friends. It was a tough transition after I got married to cultivate women friendships because I'm not the best at them. I don't get the women drama, I think. I've been lucky, lately, at finding women who are similar in eschewing that stereotype, as well, so that has definitely helped, but when I find myself embroiled in a high school-esque drama situation, I feel helpless and so very confused. Why can't all friendships be easy and drama free? Why can't we all just say what we mean, take breaks in the relationship as needed and just...be there for one another? Why the high school drama tactics to the women who are supposed to mean the most to us? I live in a simplistic ideal, clearly.
I've begun to notice that this confusion extends into moms needing to trump other moms, as well. I had forgotten how cutthroat the business of first babies can be, but have been observing it from the sidelines with my friend. A 37 week pregnant "I'm tired and uncomfortable" becomes a one-upmanship free for all. "You think you're tired now? Just you wait." "Oh. I hear you. I am EXHAUSTED today with my kids running around." "Try sleeping with a toddler AND being pregnant!" And I just want to say...REALLY? Why can't we say anything helpful? Why do we have to be top martyr in the game of life and make everything all about us? Why can't we just say..."Oh, man. I'm so sorry! I remember how miserable that is. What can I do to help?" Playing the "Just you wait" game is not helpful. You don't know what my kid is going to be like next year and just because your little Beelzebub was a certain way doesn't mean mine will be and even if he is? Not my concern right now. My concern is the here and now in my parenting journey and I need empathy and support. Not judgey holier than thou narcissistic warbling. I know I've been guilty, but I've been trying to be super aware of how I phrase things and being more empathetic and less self involved. Because why do we feel the need to make everything a competition? Everyone's journey is different and we all are doing our best. HELPFUL hints. HELPFUL comments. Support and a well placed "how can I help". That's what we need. Because sleeping 27 years pregnant does suck. No matter if it's your first, third or 20th. No one upping needed, there.
(pretty boys and pretty girls, book of love)
You are absolutely right! We need to support each other and just LISTEN without waiting to jump in with our own story of how much harder/busier we have it.
ReplyDeleteThat is one of the great things about this pregnancy. No one tries to tell me "just you wait" because I've already been there done that!
I'm so lucky to have a close group of friends from childhood/high-school who are totally drama free. It can be hard finding like minded people but hopefully you'll find more.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately there just seem to be more people who like to make mountains out of molehills!
Wait until you here MY story about this... just kidding.
ReplyDeleteReally, I think there are lots of reasons people do this, everything from depression to just plain unawareness. I know I do this and I kick myself every time I realize I'm doing it. I think most women do it but maybe don't realize how often.
DANG!! I catch myself doing this too... I am rewinding the last 8 months and trying to remember all of the STUPID stuff I have said to Lora :(
ReplyDeleteI don't think my comment saved --
ReplyDeleteI feel bad, I'm sure I do this and I'm not even aware of it. Sometimes I don't know what to say and I have this uncontrollable feeling that I have to say SOMETHING and it's usually with my foot in my mouth :(
Thank you my friend! and I'm with Shaz on this too, I think it happens more often than we even know and most of the time we aren't even aware of what we are doing. But oh how those "one-ups" get trying when it's all you hear. It kinds of makes me want to crawl into a shell sometimes and apologize for even daring to be alive right now. Wait... that's not true. It usually just makes me want to rant. ha!
ReplyDeleteDang- yep. Guilty. I try to catch myself beforehand because I hate being on the other end of the "I just needed a venting moment and you robbed me of it" but not nearly enough. Love to all. May we be accepting and helpful and less one-uppity this week (little goals for me are easier).
ReplyDeletePS- may the 27 year pregnancy end soon with a cute cuddly little guy to snuggle.
Did I one up you with my last comment? Sorry if I did. I didn't mean to. I was just trying to be supportive and commiserating at the same time, but I know it comes out wrong sometimes. :(
ReplyDeleteHa! No. You didn't. I've just been noticing all the "helpful" comments everyone's been giving Lora lately.
ReplyDeleteI notice that a ton with pregnant people too. No matter how many kids you have or how tough you have it, lots of people are ready and willing to let you know just how bad they have it, and it is always 'worse' than you could possibly have it. lol That is one reason I haven't told anyone in my ward yet about our pregnancy. I am just not open to people's 'helpful' comments right now. My friends and family know, but that is it.
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