Hope Stepping Forward

I have a doctor's appointment this morning. With a doctor who specializes in treating fibro. It was a moment of weakness that I made the appointment and I regretted it almost immediately. Before I knew what was happening, he called and booked me for this morning. After mentioning he knew my brother in law, which made me want to run and hide (can I not just be anonymous for this?!).

I'm scared it won't really work and I'll get my hopes up. And considering the assumed cost, it's a big concern. But more than the cost, I'm terrified. I've been dealing with this for nearly 15 years. Every time a new symptom crops up, I go right to the worst case - something I could die from. Because even though I know that isn't the case, I still hope, kind of, not really, that it IS something different. Curable. Because I am ill equipped to process another round of "won't kill you, but wholly annoying". This week, in researching this doctor, I found that OCD and anxiety are symptoms of fibro and looking back through when my fibro manifested and my anxiety and OCD really started, I'm thinking yeah. That's about right. And I never knew that. I've been mentally blocked from calling a therapist for nearly a year. Something kept stopping me and now I'm wondering if this is why, but that is admitting hope and I can't do that.

Beyond the pain, that is the part I'm not ready to hope for. A change in my anxiety and OCD? Really? I feel that is too much to hope for, yet everything I've read about this says it's what I should expect. I don't remember how to function without anxiety ever present. Granted it's not usually the kind that has me hyperventilating in the shower, but sometimes it IS. And I go through my days dealing with it.

"Measurable relief for fibro, especially in someone as young as you are"...his words ring in my ear as I get ready to go meet him, my hope cautious and skeptical. I'm afraid it's already up too high, waiting to be dashed.


(the finn brothers, won't give in)

Only

I've been thinking of Sammy as an only lately, as my friend contemplates this same possible road in her future. And not as an only in the emotional sense, but the practicalities of it. The first couple of years of Sammy's life I immersed myself in all things only. I read books, articles, joined forums, talked to acquaintances with onlys...everything I could think of. And while I've relaxed and stopped the intensity, I think I have learned a few things.

One being that parenting an only is pretty much like parenting any kid. Each kid is different, so even if you have more than one, it's not necessarily going to be the same time to time.

When Sammy asks for a sibling, well...a kid with siblings already can still fall into that trap - asking for another sibling, a different sibling...biology does not always equal love and best friends.

95% is just...parenting. Whether you have a 'typical' only or not is really up to you. Discipline, 'stuff', whatever. After the first blush of thinking you have to do everything so differently, you relax and realize that's wrong. You can't hold off doing things. You can't not get something. You can't alter plans or how you discipline or, well, live, because you have an only.

Some things are different, but not everything. Not even most things. It took awhile to realize that, but I'm slowly coming out of my research mode and parenting by Sammy. Because Sammy is the expert on Sammy. Not the stack of Parenting An Only books I've amassed.


(only you, yaz)

Favorite Word

One of my favorite words, especially in song, is debauchery. It's just a cool word. I love the sound, the feel, the meaning. It's very primal. David Gray has a song entitled 'Debauchery', which I hadn't heard until I heard it in concert this summer, but has now become a favorite. However, my favorite example of the word in song? This.


(but not tonight, depeche mode)

How awesome, right? I love language. So very much.

Things I Do Not Get

1. Placemats. Um...why?

2. How a headbutt from my kid can hurt so bad 48 hours after the fact. Oh, wait. It may have something to do with the giant bruise around my eye and the swelling in my nostril.

3. How many people were BUGGING the snot out of me yesterday. I had to remove myself from one church class because of it and hid people on facebook. Oi with the poodles, people.

4. How it is the middle of November and Thanksgiving is next week already.

5. That it is two years since we moved into this house and we still don't have DSL. Fingers crossed for today, though.

6. I just saw a girl on the news say if she didn't have her Twilight monthly CLUB, her life would be boring and sad. So.Much.To.Say. They even have bumper stickers and an acronym.

7. Laundry. WHY does it multiple so much?

8, and most tragic. How on earth are all of my kid's pants too short for him, already? Sigh...


(paul weller, uh huh oh yeah)