The perfect look of summer: Man. My kid is cute. And sweet. Birthday presents, EARLY morning...Scooby Doo van, cars, more cars and a scooter: Birthday tee-shirt (thanks, Nikkala!): He looks so grown up! Man. Did I mention my kid is cute? Because DUDE. My kid is cute.
I'm a naturally reflective person. Especially around life's big events, in which I place Sammy's fifth birthday. We had a grand day, yesterday. It was filled with presents any 5 year old boy would love. And then pizza and slurpees and skeeball and a fun party - a SUPER fun party. But in the back of my mind, it was tough to not think about five years ago. I've said before that Sammy's first year of life was, simply, the most difficult year I've ever had. And that includes my first year of marriage to Isaac and my divorce. Possibly together! But this is the one area where looking back is so difficult, I try not to. But, well, it's difficult to not.
I tried to focus on what I learned instead of the myriad of things I did wrong, but it is so tough. I closed down. I shut friends out. I holed up and wallowed in misery. I made a difficult situation even more so. And that just wasn't the right thing to do. I feel I was in such a fog that first year; one I didn't fully grasp until we had moved and things got a little easier. But I just have mountains of regret surrounding that year.
And then, when you think of his first day of life, well. Those are images I try to obliterate. I hate that I have to associate my kid's birthday with the hands-down scariest day of my life. As I was tucking Sammy in last night, I glanced at the clock and noticed it was just after nine - just after eight California time. Right around the time things started going to hell in a very real way. And I tried to push those memories out because they still - five years on - scare me to my core. And then I started to wonder if I would always be tethered by these memories. If the sweet, and oh, yesterday? there was SO MUCH SWEET, would always be slightly mingled with the bitter. And I try to learn what I need to from this situation. I try to remember, solely, that I nearly didn't make it and embrace that I'm here now and able to mother this amazing little boy. But it's so hard to focus solely on my blessings, when I feel so terribly about the past and what we are all missing. As a friend said, though, that is the way of loss. And I'm beginning to see that. And not just in terms of Sammy's birth and the loss of any future children we can't have, but also in terms of that entire first year. The friends and opportunities lost as I buried myself deeper and deeper INTO myself. Cutting off the very lifelines placed in front of me. It something I've yet to forgive myself for. It's something I'm acutely aware of, especially this time of year. And it's an area I hope to grow up in, if slowly, right along with Sammy. So that each year, the sweet eclipses more and more of the bitter.
Right after we moved to San Diego, I decided to take a walk and see the neighborhood. I promptly got lost. Forty five panicked minutes later (with no one to call!) I found my way home and collapsed on the ground in a sweaty, hot heap. I spent the day retelling the story; to my husband, my sister, all the while feeling mightily ridiculous.
I often think about that morning being lost in my own neighborhood. How I felt. I wish I was more of the type that looked at it as an opportunity to explore and have fun while not having any responsibility, but in actuality, all I felt was panic and fear and a desperate need to find my home, my routine, my comforts. It's a big, sticking memory amid a lot of big, sticking memory in a time of unrest. I'm amazed, seven years on, that I can recall that morning so clearly. But then, not very amazed at the same time. It seems an important point in my life.
I put this print up on our bedroom wall. And I wish it would come true. That I could easily get lost and have it be all I've ever wanted. But I'm afraid that I'm too logical for any spontaneity. Any 'getting lost'...even welcomed. I'm a little structure heavy and I want to be more experience heavy. Even when it's not scheduled. I really want to get lost and forget about life for awhile. I really want to get lost and bring back the idealized life of my early 20s. I really want to get lost and just be with my love. Just breathe. Just...be. So even though it sounds absolutely terrifying and strikes my very core as something NOT to do, I want to make it a goal to get lost a little more. Maybe not in location, but definitely in spirit.
We're in the middle of figuring out how to ditch our satellite and go local channel only with an antennae. Because it's my husband, this is taking a little longer on the research end of things than I anticipated, but...it'll get there. Eventually. I hope. No. Eventually. Before fall shows start, I want it in and working.
I never thought I would go without cable (or equivalent) but we've decided the time has come. It's really best. It's just more difficult where we live. It's not an automatic that we will get all the networks. And, well, we still don't have phone lines to our house, so to use our tivo again will take some creative doing. But the thought of having very few channels and streaming everything else is so very appealing right now. Even if we have to wait for the streaming portion a little while longer. And, well, the thought of not having a satellite bill every month? That may be the most appealing part of all. Well, that, and getting into a new groove in regards to t.v. now that Sammy is starting school.
I was telling Isaac that it's funny that Sammy will grow up thinking having cable is antiquated. Everything old really IS new again. Here's hoping it works well once we get all the equipment and we can ditch the antiquated ways and embrace the future. **fingers crossed**
