I know this is a recurring theme to my life, but I've decided that it never gets easier and never gets less confusing. No matter how often I seem to find myself here.
I have a couple of relationships that seem to have shifted lately. And not in a good way. I can't pinpoint it and, in one case, have had the person say nothing is wrong, but it's a feeling I cannot shake. They are changing. And I can feel myself slip into a very normal pattern, for me: analyze, dissect, pick apart and distance myself. Whether or not it has anything to do with me. Isaac also finds himself in a similar situation and I am finding I have to WORK at trying not to dig to see what is going on there. I need explanations. I need to see what really happened. I need, I need, I need...It's all very narcissistic, I realize.
However, I hate not knowing. If I AM right, I want to know why. Did I do something? Did I offend and not know it? Was I too loud / opinionated / brash / needy? And I pick. And alienate. Until the relationship is either explained and my concerns were validated or I push until there really is a rift.
The funny thing is, I have the other side playing out now, as well. I have a friendship that I'm trying to put a few qualifiers on - put some distance between. I don't want to sever the relationship, but the friendship isn't what it once was and I would rather downgrade it to 'super good acquaintance'. And then I feel badly because I hope I'm not asked about it in the way I want to ask. I hope it goes unnoticed and unexplained and is just very natural and benign. It's such a double standard: it's ok if I don't love you anymore, but heaven forbid you don't think I'm incredible until the end of time. Shameful, but true.
I never wanted to be a princess...even when I was little. I was more obsessed with wanting to interview heads of state than finding a prince to take me away. I read fairy tales and was more interested in the REAL versions - the ones that had Cinderella's step sisters actually sawing off their feet. It's with this knowledge I watched in wonder at the royal wedding last week.
I have a niece who is obsessed with the royals and the wedding and all surrounding it. I gave her a little bit of a hard time about it. In truth, I just can't imagine interrupting my life (and sleep) to tune into the whole shindig. It seems so fanciful and I don't understand the romanticism about the entire thing. I was so curious about this and through discussing it with friends (and the aforementioned niece), someone mentioned the connection between wanting to be a princess and other (in our minds) counterparts: cheerleaders, etc. We wondered if they were all part and parcel together and those who were knee deep in princess fantasies were those who also aspired to be cheerleaders, models, etc. (My niece humbly said no. At least not in her case.) While those of us who never really went through the princess thing, gravitated toward the, um, shall we say...nerdier aspects of life.
I think I'm a slightly romantic person. I love romantic comedies (watching Leap Year for the millionth time currently!) and having a partner for life was always somewhere in my mind growing up. BUT - I think that's the key. Partner. I was more interested in the 'best friend' aspect of marriage than the 'prince to sweep me away' fallacy. And while I did my share of clicking on links to see the dress and read a few details, I spent few minutes on the whole pomp and circumstance of it all. I found most of my time focusing on the 'what nexts'. I'm more interested in their future and the story yet to be written. How she will stand on her own, strong, and forge and partnership with her prince. Not merely be swept away by him.
So. Something strange has happened in the past week. My music collection is the same (huge) (and growing) but I hate it all. I am officially tired of all of my music. This has only happened a hand full of times in my 37 years, but it still hurts a little when it does. I'm tired of the same things on my playlists and every ipod. I realize, on the scale of tragedies, this doesn't really rank, but...it kinda does. And I'm hoping it leads to finding something magical and obsessive worthy.
I read something a little while ago that complained that playlists and itunes did this - made you sick of everything by not fully immersing yourself in whole albums, but singles only. And maybe it's a little true...or maybe I'm just stuck in a rut and need to find someone new to fully love and get behind.
My friend Jason mentioned Josh Ritter. So he's on the list. I have a few Amazon free singles I've downloaded and never really listened to, so I should probably go through them and see if any of them catch my attention. Other than that? Um...I'm baffled. I don't wanna be on a break with music, but one can only listen to Don't Look Back In Anger so much. Apparently.
So...I watched The Voice last week. Several notes. In bullet point form.
*I haven't been watching AI at all this season. I look it up on youtube here and there, but I just really don't care. Even with the addition of Steven Tyler. No one is very appealing and, unlike other seasons (whether or not it happens), I can't see me caring about ANY of these people ever.
*I really love the format of The Voice.
*There was ACTUAL joy on the stage. From both the contestants and the coaches. Amazing.
*Adam Levine is really hot. I've always liked Maroon 5. I've always thought he was hot. But now? He was playing the drums and looking all sorts of yummy.
*Speaking of...is Blake Shelton what I'm missing by hating country music? Who knew? Yummy. Even if he is country.
*In the preview for next week, there is a guy who sings a CeeLo Green song - big, shaggy, black beard. He looked incredibly familiar. And it's KILLING me that I can't place him. Anyone? Jacob?
*At a couple points in the show, I actually got a little teary eyed. Seeing these people who would be (or had been) blown off because of their looks getting SO much attention simply for their voice was inspirational. Man. I sound weak.
*Did I mention Blake Shelton? Yes? I did?
*And then there's this. Which is about 27 different sorts of awesome. And I may have watched it several times.
