As far as getting past insecurities within the closest group of friends? If we are the closest group of friends, then our friends love us and accept us just as we are.And I carried that around with me while I ran errands and cleaned and, then, in the shower, the clouds parted and I saw, very clearly, something I haven't seen before, though it has been staring me in the face for nearly 15 years. I've often realized that I'm terrified of people getting to know the real me and then leaving, but I didn't realize until yesterday that it was a hold over from my divorce. But there it is.
I often say that I got through my divorce unscathed. That it happened, it's fact and that is it. And in one sense, that is true. It happened and as far as divorces go, I had it pretty lucky. There wasn't screaming or wailing or gnashing of teeth. Just a parting of ways amid a sea of sadness. I fought and cried and begged and then I closed down. I thought, in some ways rightly so, that I had dealt with the baggage. And if it wasn't clearly 'over' at least I KNEW it was baggage and continued to deal. But this. How did I miss this? When I'm sure everyone around me is thinking, "Um...duh.". If I couldn't get through a MARRIAGE without the love of my life looking at my warts and not running, how on earth can I get anyone else to stay? I honestly didn't realize the root of this until now: why I'm so shielded and unwilling to open up about things of substance. Why I second guess everything I say and do. Why I fear that all it will take is one wrong thing said and people will flee. Why I leave from the most fun thing with the greatest of women feeling down about myself, wanting to shut down.
I love how when something is dancing around the periphery of your mind for weeks or months and you can't get it out to live until something happens, or someone says just the right thing. And then. Suddenly. There it is. Out into the light to be examined and touched and thought about in ways you could never imagine. My post yesterday wasn't even really ABOUT this. It was more about how we had two valuable conversations going that I wished I could have participated in more even though I walked away feeling less than. But somehow through that less than formed thought, an answer came about to something else, which, while it's plagued me, I never knew an answer was missing, really. But I feel this was very much a 'line upon line' situation in regards to my own life.
So I guess the end is in the realization. To understand where the answer comes from and to use the knowledge; learning from it and using it for my betterment. Which is better than ignoring it, which is the other option. Well, that or never realizing there was a problem at all and swimming in ignorance.
Still so young to travel so far / old enough to know who you are / wise enough to carry the scars without any blame / there's no one to blame...
(distant sun, crowded house)
You are so amazing in your ability to analyze situations and recognize your feelings... I can't imagine being able to trust anyone after what you went through.
ReplyDeleteI just have to say, "I'm not going anywhere!" You're stuck with me, good or bad, I am so happy to find a friend that accepts me for who I am. :)
I think even people who know nothing about being divorced feel this pain to a lesser degree, because I'm relating to what your saying and feel like I know what you mean and then I remember...Deb, you've never been divorced. You have no idea what a horrible situation that would be.
ReplyDeleteBut...I still...
I get nervous that I bug or irritate you (the figurative you and really, you...both of 'you') and try my darnest to please you. Then I remember that you feel the same way. That we all feel like we have to please other people to make them want us around. I still struggle knowing you are playing with other people without me. That I'm not in on the jokes. That I missed hearing about people having twins! It's so crazy the circles we talk ourselves into.
Please know, for what it's worth, that I love you very, VERY much. That I value our friendship more than almost any other that I have (husbands and children do take precedence...and maybe God, too). Thank you for putting up with me.
Oh, Deb. SAME! Seriously. I very nearly put that very thing in my last post - how difficult it is to know that your friends have other friends and you aren't their whole world and there are things happening separately. It's a struggle! I completely agree. Even though we are in this circle, it's tough...during your conversation, I felt that. The...WAIT! I want to be in on this! I get it.
ReplyDeleteAnd I love you to. So much.
Ditto to everything! Its so hard to open up after being hurt. I walled myeself off from relationships for a long time. I chased away I don't know how many relationships before Adam for that very same fear. I didn't want to be left in the lurch and hurt again, so I either didn't try, or I hurt them first before they could hurt me. It took a long time to really trust myself and others enough to really get to know me beyond the brash, sometimes abrasive front I put up for protection and let people in to the soft underbelly of my personality. I still struggle with it all the time, and then regret not letting people in when I feel lonely and without enough friends to lean on. And worry that I am going to chase away the friends I do have by being real. I have made progress, but I still find myself back in that head space frequently.
ReplyDeleteI still haven't had an epiphany on why the whole opening up and making friends thing is so hard for me, but the fact that you've had yours gives me hope.
ReplyDeleteLike you guys I still get bit by the jealousy bug when I hear of my "friends" doing other things without me, but I also travel in different circles and sometimes do things with other people too. It often happens because we live closer to someone, we are at different stages of life or we have different interests and that's okay. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt that they're not intentionally doing things to exclude me.
Thanks again for the great topic. It really gave me a much-needed chance to think through some things and put my thoughts in writing.
I love you all. The end.
ReplyDeleteNo, wait. That was going to be the end, but I just realized I wanted to give you a shout out to a talent you have :) You are SO good at working through and analyzing things. Some people would never recognize or deal with the emotions and would just try to bury them. I LOVE THAT about you :)