As far as getting past insecurities within the closest group of friends? If we are the closest group of friends, then our friends love us and accept us just as we are.And I carried that around with me while I ran errands and cleaned and, then, in the shower, the clouds parted and I saw, very clearly, something I haven't seen before, though it has been staring me in the face for nearly 15 years. I've often realized that I'm terrified of people getting to know the real me and then leaving, but I didn't realize until yesterday that it was a hold over from my divorce. But there it is.
I often say that I got through my divorce unscathed. That it happened, it's fact and that is it. And in one sense, that is true. It happened and as far as divorces go, I had it pretty lucky. There wasn't screaming or wailing or gnashing of teeth. Just a parting of ways amid a sea of sadness. I fought and cried and begged and then I closed down. I thought, in some ways rightly so, that I had dealt with the baggage. And if it wasn't clearly 'over' at least I KNEW it was baggage and continued to deal. But this. How did I miss this? When I'm sure everyone around me is thinking, "Um...duh.". If I couldn't get through a MARRIAGE without the love of my life looking at my warts and not running, how on earth can I get anyone else to stay? I honestly didn't realize the root of this until now: why I'm so shielded and unwilling to open up about things of substance. Why I second guess everything I say and do. Why I fear that all it will take is one wrong thing said and people will flee. Why I leave from the most fun thing with the greatest of women feeling down about myself, wanting to shut down.
I love how when something is dancing around the periphery of your mind for weeks or months and you can't get it out to live until something happens, or someone says just the right thing. And then. Suddenly. There it is. Out into the light to be examined and touched and thought about in ways you could never imagine. My post yesterday wasn't even really ABOUT this. It was more about how we had two valuable conversations going that I wished I could have participated in more even though I walked away feeling less than. But somehow through that less than formed thought, an answer came about to something else, which, while it's plagued me, I never knew an answer was missing, really. But I feel this was very much a 'line upon line' situation in regards to my own life.
So I guess the end is in the realization. To understand where the answer comes from and to use the knowledge; learning from it and using it for my betterment. Which is better than ignoring it, which is the other option. Well, that or never realizing there was a problem at all and swimming in ignorance.
Still so young to travel so far / old enough to know who you are / wise enough to carry the scars without any blame / there's no one to blame...
(distant sun, crowded house)