Gift-y

I never thought I was a gifts-oriented person, but it turns out that I kinda am. Who knew? Not me for the past 37 years...

I've been floating through life assuming that 'things' from the special people in my life didn't matter. It was thoughts and time that really mattered to me. But then I started this entire purging of things, thing, and I realized I was wrong. Yesterday I stumbled onto this gem:

This is me and my friend, Lynn, May 1992. Her graduation. Fun, no? I kinda miss my No Shame posts. But I digress...

I sat, cleaning out my chest, and stumbled onto picture after picture and letter and cards by the handful. Some of them I knew by heart, they'd been read so many times. I found letters I wrote to Isaac while we were dating and first married. I found cards from my ex and from college boyfriends. I found stacks of things from college. From high school. And I realized something. Holding these things, actually having tangible 'things' WAS important to me. It proved I lived, was loved. A tangible history that trumps memory. While it reinforced MY memory, it was also a stack of things I can use to tell the stories of my life. How I was feeling that night in 1992, the last time I saw Lynn in the flesh (which, we discussed yesterday, is a CRYING shame). How I thought that outfit was just the best, even if it was a rayon one piece skort worn with white nylons...

While digging through the box of memories, I discovered, oddly, I have few things from Isaac. Call it my 'advancing age', but that has begun to bother me. I have a few things (books, mostly) and some cards (not nearly enough, in my opinion - especially of the hand written variety). It's not that I never get things from Isaac, but I rarely get the simple - meaningful - things. The 'just because' things. Not that it's bad, it's just not who my husband is. Heaven knows he does and gives so much for me and our family and I love that, but...I really did make peace with who he is long ago. Or so I thought. However, after a few weeks of having this bumping around in my brain, I stumbled onto a necklace on Etsy, a locket, that I loved. I forwarded the link to Isaac and waited. And then remembered who I married and sent a second email. In it I told him I would very much want one of the lockets - his choice - from him. One that spoke to him specifically about me. So he did. Picked a BEAUTIFUL locket and ordered it. I absolutely love it. I wear it nearly everyday and it's reinforced this premise I've been working on:

Should something - HEAVEN FORBID - happen, I know I have the love and the memories. But I also want something to fidget with. Something small and from the heart to hang on to when things get tough. I want the small, but meaningful. I'm not big on the grand and the big, the expensive. What I want are the things that people see that remind them of me. Apparently I need those in my life. Who knew? Even if you have to manage how they show up, sometimes.


(if you leave, omd)