Merry Christmas, Everyone!

We tried, a little more than usual, to give this year. But on this Christmas Eve Eve, I'm sitting here with a heavy heart knowing that too many people are still without or are hurting. I always wish I could give more. Do more. Make peace for everyone.

My heart is very heavy for the family in our town who lost two of their boys this past week in a car accident. I've been a little more weepy and hugging Sammy a little closer because of it, but it all seems futile, sometimes. The hurt and the death and the accidents are all around. I'm trying hard to stay positive, to see the good. We live so insulated that something like this, so close to Christmas, really hurts.

I can't remember having this tough of a time shaking the cloud. Every year, as Christmas draws close, I always feel this way. At least a little. I think I know why and I KNOW I'll be fine. Christmas will come and I'll finally realize the good I did. The things we did as a family. The cloud will lift, I'll continue getting my anxiety in check and hopefully next year will be a little brighter.

Huh. Not at all the way I intended this post to go. Maybe I'm the only one for whom the line between melancholy and happiness is so terribly thin? It's a phenomenon I've noticed since I was very little. And probably answers a lot about why happiness brings about guilt. But that's a therapy topic for another day...

I do hope you all have a lovely holiday. Hug your loved ones and remember those in need. Have a very Merry Christmas.


(sarah mclachlan, song for a winter's night)

On My Year of Abundance

I didn't know exactly what I was expecting when I chose abundance for my word of the year. But the little I was expecting and what I got out of it were worlds apart. Which makes complete sense! This year has been long and growth filled; it was full of ups and downs, but ultimately we were very blessed.

I found friendship in surprising (and not so surprising) places. My book club has become very much a lifeline to me - I love those women so very much and am grateful for the friendships that have either been born or solidified there. I feel more at home with our church congregation and the roots we've put down here than ever before. Which, I realize, is expected, considering the permanence of our home. I have a family (a HAPPY family, as Sammy reminds me) that is my greatest joy. My home IS my happy place. And for that, I am ABUNDANTLY grateful. I found ease in my parenting. Not that it was EVER easy, but I'm more sure of this role of "mom" than I was, even a few months ago. That, right there, is probably the biggest blessing of awareness this year has afforded.

I have noticed abundance in other areas, as well. It's been nice to see change and growth happen. It's been lovely to watch our family grow and change and embrace this next step in our journey. It's been a year of settling in. More. Of embracing our town. More. Of recognizing limitations and failings and help...more.

Laurel mentioned in the comments that perhaps I'm in the middle of shedding a skin. I've been thinking about that all weekend, knowing this was going up to post today. And I think she's right. I feel I'm on the precipice of taking my abundance and narrowing it down to who I want to be. Who I truly am. I can see that most of my growth and frustration this year was born out of trying to do it all. Trying to keep up what I am 'supposed to' be. Who I'm supposed to be. And I'm finding it no longer fitting.

I seemed to have been surprised at every turn, when I wanted to feel the complete waste of this project, to come out of it better. Happier. More content. Starting this project very much in a spot of frustration. In a place of malcontent. But every time, like magic, I was reminded of the good and the patient and the kind and the right. Very much an exercise in putting what you wish for out there in the universe and having it come back to you 10 fold. I was taught that time and again and I'm sure I'll be reminded for years to come. And I think it very much goes hand in hand with shedding that skin. Growth is born out of frustration and lessons. At least it is for me.

I already have my word for next year, which I'll share later. I'm excited to see where it will take me. I'm looking forward, more content than I have been in a long time. Happier. Trying for less guilt for the good. And I'm trying to embrace that; reminding myself that not everyone's story is tragic. Sometimes shoes don't drop at all and we are here to find our own abundant joy. No matter the circumstances. Or maybe that's just the therapy talking...


(pop goes the world, men without hats: speaking of abundance...there is SO MUCH to talk about here...the brilliance!)