Life List

In this, my year of abundance (aka: I'm getting old, people!), I've decided to jot down a few things that I want to do. Eventually. Sooner than later, preferably. Because if it's in print...

LIFE LIST (partial and to be added upon):

*Attend a festival in the UK (preferably where the Kooks and Paul Weller are performing) with Isaac and Sammy.

*See The Frames. In Ireland.

*Lounge on a boat in Greece with Isaac.

*Run a political campaign.

*Live to see a Democratic Utah senator or Governor (I kid! Kinda...)

*Relearn French

*See my name on a pretty little book of short stories in a major book store.

*Go an entire month without a "long term to do list" but only if it's actually, you know, ALL FINISHED and not just destroyed and dead from neglect.

*Take another picture with Neil Finn. This time, don't look / act like a 16 year old idiot.

*Own a pair of gorgeous Italian leather shoes.

*Garden enough to become really good at it and provide for my family in the winter.

*See Shakespeare performed in England.

*Spend time in the Italian countryside.

*Go to more book readings / signings / conferences. Actually walk the walk.

*Make a decent cheesecake and learn to whip up creme brulee.

*Guest post on an awesome blog. Oh, wait... (go: HERE)


(just one day, anything box)

All You Need Is Love

Because it is now November, I've already watched the first of my requisite 20,000 holiday viewings of Love, Actually. I really, really love that movie. For many reasons. But one of my very favorite things about it is the beginning, where it talks about love really being all around.

I found out something yesterday about an acquaintance and reacted BADLY. I ranted, I raved, I complained to Isaac, I cried, I was definitely unkind in my judgments and thoughts. See? This something was personal. While it didn't directly concern me, it came on the heels of feeling badly last week, physically, and was a similar situation. And left me feeling sorry for myself. And left me feeling smug and self righteous and angry. I felt horribly, showing friends a side of myself I don't love. And saying things I shouldn't have said.

At the beginning of Love, Actually, the voice over says something about how if you watch at an airport, it's always filled with hellos and goodbyes full of love. And on 9/11, you didn't hear about any last phone calls being ones of revenge or hatred, but ones about love. This situation from yesterday doesn't truly affect me. While I am still right about it all and while I have every reason to feel how I feel, it truly doesn't affect me. I do have love all around me. People who truly care about how I'm doing. And sitting there wondering why life isn't fair and some get the help that others don't is useless. Because it ultimately doesn't matter.

When this life is all said and done, I want to make my last call one of love. I want to be proud of the way I lived this life. I want to have the people that truly matter to me, surround me. And yesterday, I did not conduct myself in a way to be proud. Life is not fair. Things happen I have no control over, but that will still make me angry. These things happen. But I don't have to, as I did yesterday, make that last call one of hate. I should, instead, make it one of compassion and love. I need to be better and less reactionary. I need to learn. I have a long way to go, but I can do it. Because in the end, love is all that matters.


(love is all around)

I'm Tired

I LOVE politics. I don't think this is news, really. And while I'm pretty passionate about MY politics and issues, there is a thing that is greater. Election night...It's my super bowl. Well, what I imagine my super bowl would be like considering I don't really GET the super bowl (that's football, right? I kid...).

I remember when I was a kid, my parents voting. They would go down to our little community center in our town and vote and it just seemed so adult and important and - even then - I was excited for election day. Election Day has not diminished for me at all. Even years where the candidates are insane (I'm looking at you Sharron Angle and Christine O'Donnell!), by the time that first Tuesday in November rolls around, the craziness goes out the door and I run on adrenalin watching the results roll in, glued to the tv.

I HATE going to bed after Isaac. I really, really don't like it. I don't know why, but I either need to go to bed first or we go together. But on election night...I remember the first one, after we were married, before Isaac got as crazy political as me (hee?), I was happy to stay up. I love election night that much.

Last night didn't disappoint. We had a minor interruption, but from about 4 til I dragged myself to bed, I was GLUED. My politics aside, I just love the results. I love that so many people voted yesterday. I love the patterns, the projections. I love watching the polls, seeing people and names I used to work with and having the terms and knowledge come flowing back. And, after so many election nights, I am always caught off guard that things still surprise me. Like, I find it AMAZING that I had any hope at all that either our governor or new senator would be a democrat...I clearly (momentarily) forgot what state I live in. I really liked the Democratic candidate for governor, and I had a LOT of hope that he would win. It seemed he had some movement and it felt like he might eek it out. Ha! Who was I kidding...a case of projection, clearly. And, well, for Senate. While I KNEW Lee would win (hello, I don't ALWAYS forget where I live!), I still hoped he wouldn't. And threw my whole support behind his opponent (Sammy has a great "I'm with Sam" button from his campaign!). But, yet. The election not going "my" way did not dissuade the giddiness I had watching the results come in. I love them that much.

This morning, I am sad and let down, but hopeful that this state CAN and WILL eventually change its stripes. Call me crazy, but this is what an election night does for me. Re-energizes me and gets me fired up to be even more involved. Be even more vocal. Be even more...present for this awesome civic duty. Politics is so much better than sports, I SWEAR.*

*However it is NOT better than Sammy tracking dog poop into my house because now I have to get a new car, house and son...which is, well, inconvenient.


(devil inside, inxs)

In The Still

You wake at 2 am and can hardly breathe. The pain in your leg is worse than it's ever been before. It's hard to think of anything else and every position you pray for relief. You can't believe that it got bad enough to actually make an appointment to see the doctor, pay for a visit that will answer nothing. But, because this disease is what it is, a test is scheduled. Just to rule out blood clots. Getting back in the car, you cry. You can't help it. You sometimes hate that this disease won't kill you, but will mimic everything that can. Test after test after test after test and people with the actual diseases get relief of one sort or another...but you? Nothing. Again. You feel like you are going crazy. You feel like you can't catch a break, nor a normal day. The pains and questions drive you insane.

The clock rolls over to 2:30 and you hear the faint "Mommy!". You wipe your tears and gear up to attend to another. His feet hurt too, the product of yet another growth spurt. He crawls onto the bed and shows you where it hurts and you do your best to rub his pain away. Fifteen minutes later and he's fast asleep again, but you are still searching for that elusive position that will mean sleep may actually come. As you sat in the waiting room of radiology, you briefly hoped for the clot. You know you don't really mean it, but if it does happen to be there, at least there would be things to do to fix it. You look up, just in time to see a young couple come out of the ultrasound room in tears. She's doubled over in pain, having a difficult time catching her breath. The husband is trying his best to be stoic and there for his wife, but the pain is visible on both of their faces. It feels voyeuristic to have to watch as this couple makes their way through the waiting room, obviously mourning. Your name is called. You are instantly at ease with the radiologist as he does his best to get through the test quickly. As everyone (even you in your heart of hearts) suspected, the test is negative. He seems happy to pass along good news, but you hurry out to your car so the tears can fall. Frustration wells up to the breaking point and you have no choice but to let it out. This damn disease is breaking you, mentally. You wonder how much longer you can hold on this round, until it settles again. You wonder how much longer your saint of a husband can hang on this round, until it settles again. Because, while it hurts now, the pain does always subside.

You wake up on the couch in the family room. It was the only comfort you could find, but sleep was sketchy, at best. Your leg pain is already numbing, but you know another flare could be right around the corner. So you don't breathe out, yet. Instead, you get up. You go about your day. You try not to let your sweet son see the pain you are in, but you still get glimpses through the day that he knows. He's aware. And, because of that, another, different kind of hurt moves into your heart. And you realize that while this condition may not kill you, it will destroy other things, instead. And you are resentful and filled with grief, vowing to fight harder. To keep it in check. To keep it at bay.


(her diamonds, rob thomas)

Isn't It Suppose to Happen WAY Later?

We were quickly headed out the door the other night, on our way to the church for a meeting. Sammy had on his pajamas, considering it was already past his bedtime. It was lightly snowing and I really just wanted him to thrown on his puffy vest to keep him warm for the 20 minutes we would be. Isaac pulled it down, but Sammy was insistent that he DID NOT WEAR IT. He told Isaac that he was afraid people would call him "fishing Sammy" and laugh at him. We didn't have time to get into it right then, so we put on a different jacket and left, me feeling highly disturbed at the 4 year old self awareness.

It was just 24 hours previous that he went out, looking like this:

My handsome boys, enjoying fall festivities. What had happened in that 24 hours, where we didn't leave the house, to cause such a reaction over his jacket? His jacket that he loved and picked out? I can not come up with anything that could have happened to cause such a reaction. Did he overhear something? Misinterpret something? Watch something? I still don't know. But it broke my heart. It was way too...adult of him. And it broke my heart. And it just keeps breaking.


(pet shop boys, what have i done to deserve this)