Slice of Life

I head toward the cool wood floor, stepping over the cars and faint outline of dusty feet to cut pumpkin bread for my four year old. Something so mundane and mothering, I'm nearly on auto-pilot.

I water the tomatoes and feel productive and alive. Bringing to life sustenance for my family in a very tangible way. These days are becoming much more slow than earlier in the summer. Giving time to pause and breath and be.

The heat is stifling, taunting me to remember the doldrums of January and February. Even still, I wonder if the snow and cold was REALLY that bad or if it was welcomed. Being bundled and cold and the hot chocolate and blankets. All things I believe I miss.

Our fence arrives and we sit, sketching out how it will look and what is a must do that left on the list for this year. Talking turns to possible mini vacations for this year and I yearn to get out and do something. All of our plans have seemed to whither this year and I'm saddened by this and desperate to get away.

Back in the kitchen, I fully see my life. It's not glamorous or unique. It's the story of a million mothers before and a million mothers yet to be. I wonder whether I should give up my dreams and learn to be more present, more content with the here and now or keep reaching and trying. But for now, I pick up toys and tidy and relax on the couch. Always thinking, always wondering, always planning.


(absolutely still, bte)

What I've Read Lately...

The Lonely Polygamist - Brady Udall (LOVE. HIM.): I gave up on this book about 1/4 of the way in. It would not keep my attention. Udall's attention to detail is there. His perfect weave of the story is there. I was INTERESTED in the story. But...something was off. Maybe because it is one dense story and I haven't been in the mood for dense? Not sure. I will revisit, though. I'm determined!

Get Lucky - Katherine Center: Not as good as Everyone Is Beautiful, but better than Bright Side of Disaster. I LOVED the subject matter. And I still really like her writing. Overall, a good read, but not as earth shattering as I would have liked.

Husband and Wife - Leah Stewart: LOVED. And I'm not sure why. I think it's mostly because this is the book I wish I had written. The premise is that the husband is a novelist and his latest book is called Infidelity, which he, uh, had a little more research for it than he should of. Life after that revelation is the book. Quick read (some swearing, if you're opposed to that sort of thing), I finished in two days, even while keeping up on my motherly duties!

The Art of Racing in the Rain: Skimmed a few chapters, stopped reading. Could not get past the fact that it was from a DOG'S point of view. Didn't like.

Talking to Girls About Duran Duran - Rob Sheffield: It was exactly 2 minutes to go from knowledge this existed to it downloaded to my nook and reading chapter one. Hooray! I am nearly done and I LOVED it. But I would read Rob talking about music and memories any day of the week. My favorite line? "...it never really occurred to me that love and music belonged in separate categories." EXACTLY.

One Day - David Nicholls: Good. Highly rated and I was excited to read it, but it went MUCH slower than I anticipated. I couldn't get invested in the characters until much later in the book than I should have. Is being compared to Nick Hornby and while I get that, I don't really agree. Apparently being optioned for a movie and I get that and will totally watch it.


(obsession, animotion - did you know his son is a well regarded indie artist? the things you learn from VH1's one hit wonders of the 80s...)

The City of My Dreams

Endlessly walking the streets, camera in hand. Starting near the Portland building and slowly easing my way past Pioneer Square and Powell's, winding through the streets up toward 23rd. Or escaping the brief heat wave, driving through the forest amid wonderings of how many bodies are possibly hidden there until seeing the first glimpse of the ocean above the tree line.

On long hot summer days, I always dream of Portland. We started our journey there in the summer and ended it the same. Four summers of exploration and very little care in the world. Endless Saturdays at matinees or weaving up and down the streets window shopping. Early mornings at Saturday Market and then drinking something cool while watching the ice skaters in the mall. Or driving - south, north - it didn't matter. Trying to pack it all in until school started up again. Trying to doing it all; see it all until the corn festivals started and life became a little more grounded.

I miss my adopted city, so very much. I scan house listing for there and the coast and daydream of buying a vacation home. A guy I knew in high school (and that I'm currently facebook friends with) lives there now. I ache when he posts pictures. We talk about our mutual love of the area, how it's more home to us than actual "home". However, it's to the point that I remember less and less and the pang of sadness and longing come less frequently, but on sultry summer afternoons, I miss it greatly and wonder how it's getting along without me...


(the kooks, she moves in her own way)

Parenting Isn't For the Weak

Sammy, for the past week-ish, has turned into a completely different kid. He's grouchy and talks back and just seems...angry. He's been to time out more this past weekend than, well, ever. We had a church function Saturday night and I spent my time reprimanding him through clenched teeth and sitting him in time out. You know, in front of everyone, making my heightened sense of parental failure that much more acute. By Sunday evening, I was at the end of my patience and couldn't figure out what was wrong with him. The heat? Exhaustion? Frustration? Couple that with my lingering thoughts that something really is wrong with him and, well...

I've been watching him closely with others and all of my worries have come back, full force. Instead of playing, like a normal child, my child turns himself in circles, talking to himself. Zeros in on the people WAY older than him (more often than not, adult women) to play with. Product of being an only child or...? I don't know. But I do know that he's scared of everything, won't play with others (or, at least play unless they are doing it "right") and is just...I don't know. Off? Quirky? An only? A son of a woman with OCD? Something.

And, of course, we are back to the same argument Isaac and I always have about this. He thinks Sammy's fine. He thinks I'm too hard on him. He thinks I expect too much from him. He thinks I'm overreacting.

So yesterday, I relaxed. We stayed home. I worked a little and Sammy played. The anger seemed to be gone, I seemed less annoyed and we had a fairly typical relaxed day. But the doubts are still there. I don't want my kid to be the one being beat up because he's different. I don't want my kid to be whispered about because he's on the play ground turning in circles and talking to himself; the kid who's TOO different it's feared and reviled.

I feel as though I'm failing as a parent much, much of the time. I don't know what I'm doing and most of my decisions seem fear based. I'm flailing. I really am. I probably AM expecting too much from him. But it's only because I've been so terrified that he won't be ok, that I strive for more and more to prove that he is. I never know what I'm doing; how I'm doing. He doesn't seem to get the things he SHOULD get at his age and totally gets things he shouldn't. I feel as though I'm trying to parent a 25 year old in a 4 year old's body and I'm completely out of sorts about it.

I get that we have a great kid. He sensitive and polite. He cleans up after himself. He follows guidelines and rules to a fault. He loves people and loves to talk. He wants everyone to be his friend. He hates conflict and screaming (which, we actually got to the bottom of his screaming at loud noises at the church activity. Some kid screamed, so Sammy started in with his Toy Story scream and when he calmed down, finally told Isaac that when someone screams he's afraid they are mad at HIM. Sigh. Where did that come from? We're not exactly screamers around here...especially because we know how sensitive he is to our disapproval.). But. But. There's always a but, right? I have a good kid, but...something feels off. And the more I try to have him let go and just have fun and not worry, the more I worry.


(evanescence - bring me to life)

Out of Control

There are two types of Oingo Boingo songs. One type (Dead Man's Party, etc...) I like, but do not love. The other type (Just Another Day, etc...), I tend to LOVE FIERCELY. However, it's a no contest, hands down winner for the favorite Boingo song ever; Out of Control. There is no discussion. Period. Just like there is no discussion that Oingo Boingo is simply one of the best bands ever. Or that Danny Elfman is a freaking genius.

Top five OB songs:
1. Out of Control

2. Just Another Day

3. Stay

4. Not My Slave

5. We Close Our Eyes


I have deep regret I was never able to see an Oingo Boingo Halloween show...(as a side note...what IS it about this song and July?)