When You Won't Fight Back

I hate being misread. Misunderstood. My darn sensitive nature, I tend to lash out in righteous anger first, ponder later. However, when someone uses my religion as an excuse for their poor behavior? I get incensed. And it's all I can do to control my temper and let it lie because, really? You can't argue with crazy. And I know it. But it doesn't stop me from trying. That " being a bigger person" is sometimes elusive, though, this time? She has been my angel. Tongue has been kept in check. Ranting has been kept to a minimum and only to Isaac. And, well, a couple of others. But I haven't fought back. I haven't lost my temper. I haven't called them out, detailing their misguided notions in red ink for the world to see. Even though that red pen has been uncapped and taunting...So you will forgive me the next paragraph, won't you? My chest is needing unburdening in the worst way.

In this particular situation, I know that this person isn't wanting to see personal failing and is grasping and lashing out as a way to escape any inward reflection. I get that. I know that. Internal reflection that YOU may have done something to bring about the situation you're in is never fun. But to rant about the perceived injustice by calling me intolerant? Close minded? Afraid of things that aren't like me? If they had bothered to dig, ask, question, get to know...they would see the absurdity of that statement. How hollow it rings. How wrong it is. But then. To follow it up with saying that it figures, because of my religion? Sorry. That just makes me angry. And any compassion I had for the entire situation magically disappears because I refuse to argue with such a childish retort.

If this person is looking to be offended by my religion, of course they are going to find it. Probably every day - every hour, they will find some type of grievance in their life that will end up being not their fault, but that of the dominate religion in this area. It's a self fulfilling prophecy. One that will bite them in the behind every time. After a while, I'm thinking that self reflection may start looking like the better and less painful option.


(incubus, drive. man i love this song. so much.)

That's Me In The Corner

I kept thinking that Isaac isn't as busy at work as he was last July. I remember last July being insanely busy at every turn. He was booked - always. Or so it seemed. I was wondering why, this summer, there were gaps in his schedule. He didn't seem to be working at such a frantic pace. Imagine my surprise this morning when he told me that IN FACT we are 20 patients busier than this time last year. Huh. So what shifted? Clearly, my perspective. Last year we were still slow and growing, so the explosion in the summer was HIGHLY noticeable. This year we've been steady and strong all year, so the slow growth that is happening isn't nearly as noticeable. Makes sense. But is still funny to note.

Ten years ago this summer, Isaac and I had been in Portland for about two months. We were coming up on our first anniversary and had EVERYTHING to look forward to. Nothing could be as difficult as that first year of marriage, right? Well, in our case, right. So far, at least. Our first year was one of the more difficult ones we've had. We both nearly quit on each other several times and often voiced our wonder if we had made a mistake in marrying. Transition to couplehood, for us, was more than rocky. Our first anniversary, while not signifying the end of difficulties, really marked the beginning of our "put up or shut up" years. I'm so grateful for moving out of state so quickly and having that force us to figure out how to rely on one another and remember that we did start this whole thing as the best of friends.

Five years ago, we had been in San Diego for just over a year. We had had a miscarriage earlier in the year and weren't quite pregnant with Sammy, yet. It was a difficult year. Not so much for us as a couple, but for me as a woman. 2005 was the year I questioned EVERYTHING. I have never had a time in my life where I was less certain about anything and more terrified about making the wrong choices. It was a summer marked by prayer and study and more faith than I think I have ever had.

One year ago...it all comes back to the crazy summer. Business exploding. Me trying to figure out how to start work, again. Looking forward to some concrete plans for futures and vacations and being oblivious to the impending, spontaneous move.

Every once in a while, I think it's good to think back to who I was 10, 5, even 1 year ago and contrast that to who I am now, or, put the here and now into perspective. It helps to see who I am, what (and who) I've become and see if I'm ok with the road I'm on. It also gives me a chance to look at the important people in my life and how they and their roles have changed. For instance...do I still talk to my friend I leaned on heavily 10 years ago? What about that person, that one time, that did that one thing that I swore I'd never forget? It's often dulled by time and those important people and events aren't really the important ones after all.

It's all about perspective. How many times do I learn that lesson? Over and over and over and...


(it's a mistake, men at work)

Consumerism Supreme

I am feeling overwhelmed by my house. I fear we have too much stuff. WAY too much stuff. Which is funny, because we probably really don't. And Isaac definitely doesn't think we do. Neither do the empty cupboards in the kitchen or the empty spaces in the closets...So, it's just that quarterly itch I get - the itch to purge everything in sight. Donate until it hurts. GET RID OF EVERYTHING week.

The focus of my current target are closets. The extra "miscellaneous" closet in our hallway, my closet and Sammy's. I look at these design blogs and I instantly envy the sparse, simple designs. And I wish I had that. But then I look around and realize I love the cluster looks on my walls and the cozy feeling from the basic design in my home, but I'm having trouble balancing the two: CAN you balance the clustery organized look with the sparse simplicity? Hmmmm.

My closet is the biggest source of frustration. I have a lovely, lovely closet, but it's full. I COULD stop shopping, but I'm always trying to find ways to improve my sometimes matronly (see: frumpy mom look) wardrobe. So what usually happens is I shop the sales, find great pieces and then have to go through and purge because...really. My closet it full. Need to find a better way!

The same with Sammy's closet. My kid is spoiled and has so much. SO MUCH. I get that. Now I need to go through (always) and figure out the things to keep for him, the things to give away and find that dang resolve, once again, to not buy him so much. Which is a failing of mine. I think, though, with Sammy's stuff is I have a hard time knowing what is age appropriate. I always have and it hasn't gotten better. So I try to figure out and buy things and we're left with things way younger than him as well as things that are too old and everything in between. I wish there was a solution for that!

And then the hall closet. Still organized or functional, but I can tell it's starting to morph into the catch all place for things I need to deal with. I hate those closets; they make me twitch. So it'll be cleaned out and purged. Organized. Mostly purged; I can feel it! Once that's done this morning, I can finish those little projects that are just sitting there due to laziness and maybe, MAYBE the itch to purge will go away. For a few months, anyway.

This may be where the word of the year comes to bite me in the butt...


(leave, glen hansard)

Animal? Vegetable? Preference?

What do you eat in the summer? This conversation has come up several times in the past few years with different sets of people and I'm ALWAYS fascinated with the answers. So...what do you eat? Do you cook? Do you go mostly vegetarian? Do you rely on take out and cold cereal?

For us...we eat 75% vegetarian, anyway, so sticking to the veggies in the summer isn't a big stretch. However, with the procurement of a George Foreman, we also eat a lot more steak. And with the real job, I'm sad to say take out is expanded in the summer as well.

Some of our go to meals, though, include:
-stuffed veggie (or chicken or kabob meat) pitas. A HUGE favorite.
-breakfast for dinner. A lot of eggs.
-salads, of course.
-pasta
-beans and rice

Now. Your turn. What do eat in the summer?


(mika, lollipop)