Out of the Blue

These days, these moments. They sneak up on me and suddenly I'm on my knees, unable to breathe, crying over my (no, OUR) situation. These days, these seconds. They leave me feeling empty and hollow and angry and sad and confused and very much not in the moment of happiness and joy that is my life.

A simple phrase, "...any other children that may come into your home..." from someone so kind and well meaning and completely unaware. Gutted me and made me question our answers. Our family. Our path. Our life. And I hate that it did. That I'm not stronger or more resilient. That I haven't severed that part of my emotions. It's an area I have NO control over. It is, quite literally, out of my hands. So I should be fine and stoic and not wince and awkwardly smile while willing back the tears in my eyes. Like I manage to do 99% of the time. But, oh. That 1%. How it betrays me. How it points out how I really feel. How it kills me. How it makes me feel less than.

These days, these moments come sometimes, completely out of the blue. Take me out of the here and now and away to "what if" land. There is no happy wrap up for it. No happy ending, no simple enduring. It's a train ride full of plateau, with out of the blue dips, and then the complexity of trying frantically to right yourself back on that wonderfully benign plateau. Normality once again is the balm, the bliss.


(these wasted words, the vanity project)

Swoon and Fade Out

At a meeting last night, I noticed a fairly largish sized "sun spot" (or, you know, old lady spot) on my leg. ON MY LEG. Where is the gray hair? At least there is dye for that. Age spots? C'MON!

I may need to take to my bed, now...


(between something and nothing, the ocean blue)

My World. It's a Complicated World.

There is a fairly big deal blogger out there that I read occasionally. I also really have a great deal of disdain for her. She is...condescending and holier than thou and so very stuck on herself and privileged to the point of lunacy. And REALLY seems to have a problem with anyone "less than" herself. And she just makes me sad. I don't know why I still read. Oh, wait. Yes I do. It's like a train wreck that I can't look away from. I keep seeing these people hold her up on SUCH a pedestal and I wonder why. I read posts and comments and really marvel at the way people buy into her nonsense. And I sometimes just want to comment, "COME ON! REALLY?!" because if she said HALF the things she blogs about to me, in person, I would so call her on it. But then I remember that God created the lovely red X for a reason. But still, I don't delete. How does one spell G-L-U-T-T-O-N?

Add to this, the utter ridiculousness of another situation I'm currently in and I feel as though I'm back in high school. Pointing fingers at how STUPID the popular girl is being and trying to figure out why someone would want to be my friend and then change their mind 3.2 seconds later. That story goes like this...

I met this girl. She's a bit younger than I am, kid the same age as Sammy. I didn't love her, but we see each other often enough I was willing to become good acquaintances. I figured it wouldn't be anything more than that and that was ok. The first time I met her, we talked at length about people we knew in common and a common dislike we both shared. Enough to base a fairly healthy "I see you every week" kind of relationship on. Was not surprised at all when the facebook friend request came from her (REPEAT: came, FROM her) and after tossing it around in my head, accepted it a few days later. Imagine my surprise when ALL of her postings turned out to be the "Let's kill Obama" kind (I'm not even REMOTELY exaggerating the language). Wow. I have a few family members who post the same, so I did as I did with them. Hid her from my news feed and viewed her in a completely different light.

A couple of months went by and a mutual friend mentioned something. I was curious, because this "once a week acquaintance" had become an after thought, almost. She left when I arrived. She avoided me. Things not really obvious, but enough that I started to wonder...so I clicked on her name to go to her facebook page via this mutual friend and, POOF. I was no longer facebook friends with her. Huh. Didn't see that coming, but...I mean, I DID hide her, so it wasn't like a solid friendship was torn apart, but still. I found it a little humorous in the "NO! I broke up with YOU; you didn't break up with ME" kind of way. And now I wonder if she found it offensive that I'm liberal? Voted Obama? Have an Obama sticker on my car?** Didn't join in with her crazy? I really don't know. It could just be that we are very different people and she realized that after the friend request, as I did. I may never know. But running into her at church is still pretty awkward...

**However I no longer have an Obama sticker on my car because some idiot decided he would relieve me of such offense. Do they not realize that I will be helping to fund his reelection campaign by buying a new one? Thereby supporting the cause they were trying to make a statement against? C'mon! You just stole my bumper sticker. Seriously not cool.

On a happier note, I do believe I know where we are spending our anniversary this year and it's all very fancypants and cool and involves a night away. WhooHoo! So...you know. Yay! A night away!


(mad world, tears for fears)

The Perfect Weekend

I love the 4th of July. It is one of the most perfect holidays, in my opinion. Summer is fully here and beautiful. I get to sit in one of the most beautiful locations on earth with friends and family and laugh and eat and snuggle with my baby watching fireworks. Lovely.

This was Sammy's first year seeing the city's fireworks. He made it last year until about 5 minutes before they started, but then slept through them all. This year, he wanted to sleep, but he had gotten so worked up about what noise they might make that it kept him awake. And after about 25 minutes holding his ears before they started, he decided the noise wasn't so bad and snuggled in with me under a blanket with declarations of "Oooooh" and "Ahhhhh" and "Holy Broccomole!" and decided he loved fireworks. He did say, toward the end, that he was tired and ready to go home. I told him to snuggle in deeper and close his eyes and he could sleep at any time, but there was always a bigger and brighter firework aimed to capture his attention instead. It was magical to see them through his eyes this year. Magical and sad, realizing that my toddler is such a boy and is getting so big. I'm already dreading the day when he's too old to stay snuggly on my lap, ooohhhing and aaahhhing over the magic.

The next morning, we awoke to the tune of the annual pancake breakfast calling and when I asked Sammy how he was feeling, he simply grinned and said, "Um...I'm feeling...pancake-ish". That is the perfect way to feel on a perfect weekend, I think!

**ok, maybe a less than perfect weekend considering I completely forgot my camera at all events. Sigh...thankfully, my lovely niece did not and got this pic of Sammy!



(no stars, figures on a beach)