Gotta Have Faith

I've always had trouble with faith; it's something that doesn't come easily to me. And then, the older I get, the more I don't see it as a black and white issue (as in you have faith or no); I think it's more complicated. At least for me, it is.

We toss around the word all the time: lost faith in...I have faith that..., etc. But I wonder if we give lip service to something that we don't fully grasp. I know I do. To have faith is to know something unseen. Got it. Right? But...what about having faith in humanity. Certainly that counts. Or does it? And then you throw in that other people think personal faith is something THEY get an opinion on...well...I think we all know how I feel about that! And then we are fully in the complicated place. For me. Faith in things is so sacred. I have faith in my religion. But I know of some who would argue that. What gives them that right? To argue it for me?

I ran into this quote recently:

Alfred D. Souza : ”For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin, real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles WERE my life. This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness IS the way. So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one. Happiness is a journey, not a destination.”

I don't know why, when I read this quote, I thought of faith, but I did. It was such a clear, drawn line for me. Removing everything else about faith that I get tripped up on, one thing is clear. I have absolute knowledge that this is my one life to live. And I also have faith that no one else in this life can make me happy and that my life, while complicate-y sometimes, is actually going how it should be going. No one can prove this, but it's something I still believe with my whole heart.

So, while I don't have absolute faith and I see the gray more than I should, I am still learning and drawing conclusions about faith. And I think that is as it should be.

Classic, you know I had to do it song:

(faith, george michael)

Winds of...Not Change. Just, Holy Crap.

Around 1 a.m. Wednesday morning, I honestly thought my house may be uprooted to another county. The storm was DEFINITELY raging outside. The wind had gotten stronger and stronger all day and by the time we went to bed, it had grown into a life of it's own. You could no longer see the mountains, the air was so thick with kicked up dirt. Our porch chair had been blown across the yard and lights and power were flickering.

I was starting in on a mild cold, complete with some sinus pressure and a flicker of sore throat coupled with debilitating heartburn, so as soon as Glee was over, I went to bed. Sammy was sleeping fitfully and started crying. He doesn't remember anything, but he was unnerved by the storm. Stripped him of his pj's (he sleeps HOT when he sleeps with us) and we just put him in our bed, to save us the trouble in the middle of the night.

About 1 a.m. I woke up, feet firmly planted in my spleen, with him whimpering and tossing the arms for effect. The wind was HOWLING and I was actually terrified that we would find part of our house in the field next door come morning. I don't remember ever hearing wind blow that hard before, though I'm sure that isn't quite right. I peeked out the windows and everything looked...normal, in the dark. But the sound. It was just incredibly loud. I wondered how fast the winds were whipping (I noticed the reports today varied between 60-80 mph) and wondered if I would ever get back to sleep.

And then we woke up to snow. Light wind, clear visibility, but snow. I briefly wondered if the devil needed a scarf...


(john wesley harding, the devil in me)

Better Together

I ADORE Jack Johnson. Oddly, when Sitting, Waiting, Wishing first came out, I really hated it. Thought it was insane. But then I had a baby who loves Curious George and became a mom against ridiculous toddler music. And, well, enter Jack Johnson's CG soundtrack and a fan was born.

It's just grown from there. I now ADORE (because, really? There is NO other word for it.) Jack Johnson. He's a favorite in our house. Sammy sings Banana Pancakes often (with the wrong words, on purpose to be funny, but still...). Coming up with a favorite Jack Johnson song is difficult. But I've been immersing myself, trying to decide. What I've come up with is my Jack Johnson top 5 for today (and today only!), while absolutely understanding that this top 5 may change from moment to moment...

1. Better Together: This just reminds me of Isaac. And makes me smile. And happy. Every time.


2. Cocoon: This may actually be my favorite song. If pressed.


3. Constellations: This is just a great song. I hated it for a long time, until I just really started listening to it. Here's a version with Eddie Vedder along side Jack which = SQUEEEEEE!


4. If I Had Eyes: I think when this came out was when I actually started my Jack love.


5. Times Like These: This one is just fun to sing along to.


*honorable mentions to Sitting, Waiting, Wishing (go figure), Breakdown, Crying Shame, Never Know (Hmmmm...the whole of In Between Dreams may be perfect, actually!), Wasting Time, All At Once, Hope

Call me OFFICIALLY excited for his concert this summer...

Can You Freaking Hear Me Now?!

Sammy has selective hearing. I've never had a four year old before, so I don't know what is normal, but we have to really work on him listening and not only listening, but comprehending the words. It's a struggle every day of our lives and IT. GETS. FRUSTRATING. It is probably the thing I lose my temper over the most.

I feel some people* in my life have this same phenomenon regarding my blog. No matter what I say, how I say it, they have a filter that suddenly turns every thing I write into something all about them. Not only all about them, but they have opinions (misconstrued ones...) about everything I write. It's tiring. Annoying. A minor blip in my life, but a big, fat, annoying blip, nonetheless...

My sister and I were talking about this phenomenon months ago and she brought up the scene in The Incredibles where Elastagirl gets in Mr. Incredible's face and screams, "IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU!" and how that is an appropriate response here. I agree. Just because you can take my words and somehow (however tenuous the link) make them fit your life does not mean I a) thought of you AT ALL while writing and b) even if you did flit through my mind, still does not mean it's ALL ABOUT YOU.

Sigh. Sadly, I know this will fall on deaf ears. Much like me giving Sammy a detailed set of instructions. I don't know how to fix this any more than I know how to fix that, so I'm sure this is all for naught. But it's still feels good to get it out there and away from my head.

Now. I'll continue blogging about me. You know. Like I normally do.

*No, mom and dad...I swear this isn't about you!

(driving me mad, neil finn)

So, I Overheard...

I'm an eavesdropper. Is that a terrible thing to admit? I don't think so, but will acquiesce that I may be wrong. I just look at it as an occupational hazard! I love overhearing snippets of stories from strangers. I love hearing bits and pieces of conversation and trying to guess the rest of the story. Some of the best stories and articles can be built from those things overheard.

I remember one instance, when I was redating my ex. We had met up in a parking lot (coming from two different directions) in order to spend the day together. When we got there, we saw a couple, in a pretty 'loving' embrace, going their separate ways. The image stayed with me (obviously) and I always wished I could have heard what they were saying. Were they married? Lovers? Why were they driving separately? What WAS their story? So I worked it into the beginning of a short story. It was that curious to me.

I've been overly curious in this way since I was little. A bit nosy, always wanting to know the whys and the behind the story of the stories I could hear or see. I just want to KNOW. I don't listen in for the gossip, but the story potentials. And I never do it in a Mrs. Kravitz kinda way. If I can't hear as a natural consequence of where I am, then I don't reposition or anything. But naturally overhearing? Sure!

Yesterday, I realized this as I told Sammy to turn around and stop staring at two women while they were having a conversation. Isaac laughed and, I'm pretty sure called me a pot (as in Sammy being a kettle...). Hmmmm. Maybe I eavesdrop a little more than I realize. Too bad I clearly don't overhear anything important or that I can REALLY use to benefit my life!

So. Spill. This isn't just me, right?


(strange kind of love, peter murphy)