Hope

Sometimes life sucks. It's unfairness comes crashing down and you are reminded that just because you love something doesn't mean it will be there forever. Sometimes that thing you love is ripped, mercilessly from your soul and taken away, no explanation. And it's hard.

Luckily, these things are rarely the end of the world. You figure out a new normal. You move on. You find hope and love and peace and comfort in other things. You become brave and strong and find reserves you never knew you had.

But then. THEN something happens. The skies open and hope rains down. You begin to believe, again, that the thing you held SO dear will be restored and you thank the heavens for the good, the beautiful, the MIRACLE that is poised to occur.

It's happened, people. I saw the miracle with my own eyes. An actual promo promising the return of Glee. There really will be life after winter...


(didja see that bedroom scene? and that near kiss? did i mention how WAY wrapped up i get in fake people's romantic lives? squeeing like a school girl!)

Music for miracles (aka: a song I would KILL to see on Glee):

(berlin, no more words)

Break Your Heart

I have loved this Barenaked Ladies song since the second I first heard it. Being able to fully explain what this song means to me is futile. I could never put it into the perfect words. I'm not sure if it's my favorite by them, but it's definitely up there. It came out around when things started heading south / the separation and I remember this and a Lloyd Cole song (Happy for You) on constant rotation through it and the divorce. It may be the epitome of the perfect song for me: full of angst and emotion and just SPEAKING to you. I love everything about it, but the live version is moving. To see it performed live is something I will never, ever forget.


(break your heart, bnl - I think this was the tour where I first heard it. seems ages ago.)

top five BNL songs:
1. The Old Apartment
2. Break Your Heart
3. Blame It On Me
4. Falling For the First Time
5. What A Good Boy

Happiness Is...

*Creme Brulee. Seriously. Had some last weekend at a fabulous restaurant that I'm still dreaming about.

*Sore hands from playing Mario on the Wii with Isaac.

*Sammy picking out / designing his own Valentine's to give to my sister and her family. The all got ones that said "I'm Sorry" on them except my nephew (and Sammy's hero) Simon. His appropriately said "I'm glad we're friends". It cracked me up.

*The new pages at the top of my blog. You all know how I love the organizing...

*These postcards. LOVE.

*This entire project.

*Weather that is trending more toward melting rather than sticking. The first layer of impending spring; it may still be cold, but it's a start.

*Pumpkin chocolate chip bread. We get a loaf from our bakery every week.

*Seed orders and lovely gift of seeds from a lovely sister in law.

*New shoes. I love new shoes...

*A possible prick of interest in our house...trying not to hold my breath for an offer, but it's so hard not to hope!

*This song:

In These Arms from banjo bandstand on Vimeo.

(in these arms, the swell season)

Days Go By...

You wake up to a sick baby, clutching both ears. He writhes in your arms and finally loses all contents of his stomach. Over you, over everything. You are sick yourself - still stuffed up and miserable, but you hold him and rock him and try to get him to calm down. His favorite stuffty, along with jammies, get tossed in the wash. He goes in the tub while you peel off your jammies and step into the shower, grateful that your partner is fine and willing and kind and taking over parenting duties for the next few minutes so you can get clean and regroup.

The water can't get warm enough; you weren't prepared to take a shower so soon, but you clean off and get out just in time to find a tiny little baby asking to be held. Was it just yesterday you were marveling at how big he was? How grown up he was? How much you allow him to do on his own? It couldn't be, because today...he's so small. And scared. And wants nothing more than mom.

You hold him, all day, stroking his hair and telling him that you love him. You grab the nearby bowl every time the coughing threatens to turn. He sleeps on you and you remember him sleeping on you as a baby, even though this time it's full of arms and legs and trying to find the room for it all. Soon, you know he won't need you like this. Soon, you know he will be sick and want to be left alone. Soon, you know you won't be able to remember as quickly how it was to hold him, stroke his hair, quiet the fears.

The next day it's over. He's running and playing and begging for train tracks to be built bigger and better than ever. He rarely slows down enough for a hug, an I Love You, a glance. And you wonder; was it just yesterday he was so small? So dependent? So helpless? So much a tiny newborn? It couldn't be, because today...he's all boy. Nearly grown.


(when you dream, bnl)