Sweet Dreams...

So, I'm thinking if I bumped into Ryan Reynolds or Nathan Fillion (you're welcome) on the street, I could TOTALLY convince them to come vacation at my house for a week. Right? Oooooh. Together we could have a little Two Guys and a Girl reunion (which I'm TOATLLY all about people!). It could happen, right? (and why isn't this on DVD yet? do they not understand I would buy it?)

There is a fly in the window sill of our shower window. I'm PRETTY sure it's been there since we moved in, which would make it a bionic fly. I've tried drowning him several times (what?!), but he always reemerges, stronger and more tenacious than ever. However, he never leaves the sill. I'm thinking he's in the fly witness protection program. I can only imagine what he turned some spider in for doing...

Our neighbors across the street are democrats. I may have done a happy dance after finding out about this last night at dinner.

Honey lime chicken enchiladas are fairly heavenly. I tend to forget. And if I make them with corn tortillas instead of flour, we can use the extra tortillas to make egg enchiladas one day next week. Which is the MAXIMUM heavenly quota you can get. YUM.

I may be hungry...

I received a lovely package from my friend Diane this week. It had vanilla cake frosting lip gloss in it. Speaking of hungry? I totally want to eat it up. The tube may not last long.

Sammy's thing lately is coming up to me and saying "I'm going to eat you up: num, num, num, num" while fake chopping on my neck. It cracks me up. Especially when I'm laughing and he follows it up by saying "I'm killing you up, mommy?". Gotta watch those mixed cliches...

I finished my first knitting project this week. Not bad considering I started it last spring and it is only a scarf for Sammy (read: teeny tiny project). Yes, that was sarcasm. I truly suck in the knitting realm. I'm hoping my next project will be quicker and more consistent.

I've never read The Catcher in the Rye. I'm kinda ashamed by this and feel it must be remedied immediately. But then I remember I've never really wanted to read it and would much rather read something else. The shame cycle is harsh for this one, people.

Song for my sister:

(ace of base, the sign)

Random Thoughts

I have it in my mind, the woman I believe I am. It's part fantasy, part reality, part really hard on myself. Overall, though, I love the woman I am; the reality. In my 36 years, I think I've learned how to be kind and empathetic. I believe I've figured out how to be a great wife. I'm involved and engaged and working toward what I believe is important. I think I embrace my goals and my passions and know who I want to be.

Spending time in the past, writing stories, can be weird. You start thinking about a younger version of you and wondering if you are so changed, after all. And then something happens to shift your vision. An old contact, a what if resolved, a peek at what might have been. You see, then, how much you have changed, have evolved, have moved from the center. You see yourself years younger, a little less smart and definitely more unsure. You see how people then may have viewed you. You see how people then have shaped you. And you realize that time has, indeed, changed things. And it's ok.

I rail against change often. I hate it. Hate everything about it. But, I know it is necessary. Looking back through my adult life, I see change at every turn and it sometimes surprises me, the things I've done and the things I've been through. I don't think I have done a lot or lived through anything particularly difficult and then...then I remember. Everyone has a story. Everyone lives through change. Everyone has difficult things in life and I'm no exception. All at once, my change, my life, who I am is more clear, takes on greater meaning and aches to continue to be told.

I mostly love the woman I am. I still may not love change, but I think I'm beginning to accept it's place in my world. What I do love, am completely embracing, is my story. It's sometimes difficult to tell it all, but I'm wading through it and learning and embracing the growth it has brought. There is value to it. There is a story to tell and I need to continue to tell it. My story, everyone's story, matters.

Song for today:

(paramore, breathe/until tomorrow)

post script...I LOVED the state of the union last night. LOVED. It was simply perfect. I did not love the first lady's dress, however. I'm thinking she is going to hate the 10 minutes the camera trailed her butt at the beginning, as well. Not great. Especially in high def. Also? Bobble head Biden was distracting. As was all the neon yellow the women were wearing. But the speech was divine. I would love to be a speech writer...

Love

1. January, the oppressing lord of the manor, is nearly over. Less than a week! And February's short! Spring is nearly here! (too early to get giddy? maybe...but let me ignore the snow storm -and the fact that last June was COLD - in delusion anyway...)

2. My Anthropologie tights that the P.O. was holding hostage finally got here (got BACK here) yesterday. You know, two weeks late, but whatever. They're here and fabulous.

3. I think, now that winter is on the down slide, that we have this whole radiant floor heating thing figured out. We'll see come next bill.

4. I'm seeing direction for my career. I'm relearning that just because I freelance doesn't mean I'm in this alone. I ordered business cards (cute!) for both my freelancing and my (still undecided) etsy shop. Direction I need to take. Direction I need to pay attention to.

5. Love my new business cards. Stinking cute.

6. I love that I live in the middle of nowhere and can still shop MAC and Anthro and everything else I miss from living in a real city. Living here would be MUCH harder without the internet.

7. Chuck. It's making missing Glee so very tolerable...

8. This hair. Really leaning toward something like that for my appointment on Friday. Especially since my hair color is leaning decidedly into the blacker brown category right now.

9. New Jane Austen on PBS. I see a snuggle up date on the couch coming up soon.

10. Reinventing the way I cook beans ala Mark Bittman. I LOVE Mark Bittman...

11. I found pictures of how we'll be doing our fence and yard and it involves pretty gates and an archway at the front walkway with possibly morning glories threaded through and a beanstalk teepee for Sammy and flagstone paths around raised garden beds and a clothesline and sandbox and table and chairs for outdoor eating and a patch of grass surrounding an apple tree and OH MY GOSH if the house would sell I could start getting estimates. So anxious...

Love:

(george michael, one more try)

Jump

I'm a great over-reactor. I tend to react first, think later. I always have and it might be one of the things I hate most about myself. Someone didn't say something to me? Well, they obviously heard _____ and now hate me. Off goes a rant, an email, a good cryfest. Oh, wait. They just didn't see me? Ah, that makes sense...

This has, unfortunately led to several unfortunate events. I've hurt friendships and other relationships over it. I've spent countless hours crying or hurt or upset. I've spent WAY too much energy trying to deal with perceived feelings. It's exhausting. I've noticed this trait more when I move into a new situation. Our new congregation is ripe for this insecurity, for example. I've often tried to get over it, fix it, whatever. I do well for a while and then it all just comes back. Blech.

One area that is really bad, though, is self doubt. I jump to conclusions about myself and hold fast to those beliefs. I'm not crafty, I'm not clever, I'm not stylish or cute or...and no amount of evidence to the contrary can sway me. However. I had a burst of inner-Sharon* come out last week and for a brief moment, I believed in the craftiness. Sammy wanted a magic wand (thank you Princess and the Frog!). So I actually had an IDEA and cooked up words like Home Depot, dowels and electrical tape and went to town. Got the dowels cut, bought different colored tape and now Sammy is the proud owner of six different colored wands. I was showing these puppies off like they were the freaking fountain of youth. So proud.

(the wands)

(sammy, changing everything into a frog)


But I'm still not crafty...


*inner-Sharon would be anything clever or crafty or brilliant that I am not. She got the goods in that department...

Song for jumping to conclusions:

(jump, aztec camera)