I Think It Would Be Easier If It Just Made Sense

It takes a lot to leave me speechless. A LOT. But now? Right now? I'm completely flabbergasted. Gobsmacked. I've dealt with delusion before. I know what delusion is. I know what it looks like. I know that NO MATTER what you say, it will never change the delusional perceived reality. I KNOW that. And yet? Being the target of this delusion always stings.

I wrote about a situation last summer here and when I wrote that, I felt I needed to. Get it off my chest. Feed it into the abyss and be done with it. But...even though I was done with it, doesn't mean the deluded was. So now, because it's on my mind (unfortunately), and I once again need to purge and release, you get the rest of the story...

The entire situation started when it became necessary to kick a girl out of our book club in July. She was making some members uncomfortable with her inappropriate comments. To the point they were thinking of avoiding book club. I knew it would be difficult for her and I tried to come up with a solution, but when none presented itself, I turned to plan B: to find the best way possible to help her move along without creating any more pain than necessary. Once it all came out, she wanted to talk. I was happy to talk, if it helped her sort through and get over it. I told her the whys, albeit the tamed down whys. I didn't feel it was necessary to make it overly harsh, so I told her that she made others uncomfortable (true) and that the fit wasn't good, personality wise (also true). I didn't give specifics, trying to spare her feelings, but after several back and forth messages, I *thought* she understood, at least a little. We left it, while not best friendy, at least civilly. An understanding seemingly had been reached, even though I knew she was still upset, I thought we left it at a point she could move on. I was clearly wrong.

Imagine my surprise this weekend when I was alerted to her blog...a ranty rant of a blog all about me being a bully (which, what?) and kicking her out of book club for being poor (which, what?). Enter my flabergastation (which TOTALLY should be a word...wait, is it a word?). I was so upset by it all. I was completely confused and didn't really know what to do. IF I should do anything. I showed it to Isaac, mouth agape. I closed it and walked away for the night. I needed to process. The next morning, my sister had commented (a pretty great comment, actually) and the girl had sworn at her, called her a not so nice name and just turned nasty toward her. For telling her her rant was untrue. I started composing a reply, but wouldn't hit send. I wanted to massage it into perfection. I touched base with my niece, her friend, and she confirmed that this behavior is atypical of when she knew her in college. That something had to have happened in the ensuing years to bring her to this point. A couple of hours later, I got a text from my sister in law. She saw the post and wanted to touch base. Let me know she made a comment and then noticed the post had been pulled almost immediately after. It was nice to have people rally around me, validate what had actually happened, completely independently of me. And I was mostly glad that I never followed through with hitting send. Even though my reply was civil and crafted to nicely and calmly defend myself, it wouldn't have made any difference. It would have been fuel for the 'every one hates me' pity party she is throwing. And if she thought me telling her she couldn't go back to book club was being a bully (again, what?), I would hate to think what a reply would make me. A terrorist? That seems to be the line her thinking is taking. I'm sure having people defend me without my knowledge on her blog irritated her enough, she didn't need a comment from me. So I decided I'm just going to let it be. Purge it. Again. And then let it go. I can't control what other people perceive. I can't control others bad behavior, even when it concerns me. I need to let it go. Let it be. Control what I can control and live. (And, most likely, regret hitting publish on this as well...)

So it all ended (in my mind, at least...again.) with me feeling, not upset or victimized, but very sorry for her. After I hit post, I'll move on and forget about this. I wasn't brought to tears or hurt, for long. My feelings, while stung, aren't that fragile. Especially over something this juvenile. And she must be a very broken woman to have so much rage and anger over something that should have been small; to create made up excuses as to why she was asked to leave instead of facing up to the truth: that her paranoid rants were inappropriate and uncomfortable and that sometimes? People just do not gel. Period. It's not nefarious. It's not a conspiracy. It's definitely not something to do with superficial appearances or socio-economic status. People sometimes don't gel. But as I said then, I understand how much easier it is to blame others instead of having to face any internal flaws. Even if it means finding a scapegoat and slandering her in a public forum. It ultimately doesn't hurt me, but I think it does deserve my sympathy. If my niece is right and this isn't typical behavior of her, I hope she figures it out. Soon. And gets better. Because I don't wish anyone to live with that type of hurt and pain. I know what it can do and no one should go through that.


(no new tale to tell, love and rockets)