The year after Sammy was born was tough. Really tough. I had a tough time with everything: life, people, brain capacity. Everything. One of my sincere regrets in life is how I alienated people and friends around me. I can look back now and know that I was in a pretty deep depression, whether it was circumstance of Sammy's birth or 'just' postpartum, I do not know, but I suspect it was a little of everything: normal baby blues + circumstances surrounding getting Sammy here + not being able to have more kids + guilt + sucking at new mommyhood +, well, everything else. And now, looking back, I realize why I pushed everyone away. I really do. I was wallowing and didn't want anyone to see. But then? Then I just knew I was doing it, but was helpless to stop.
Outside comments didn't help the matter, either. From my sister, I heard all about how I needed to get on the adoption thing NOW (3 weeks post birth) because if I didn't, my kid would end up weird and definitely not normal and did I REALLY want that (no, I'm sadly not paraphrasing!) or, from friends, about how it was sad I'd never be a REAL mom since I wouldn't ever have more than one kid or, from strangers about how I wasn't good enough for a second child and it was for the best since one was all I could handle, anyway. Nope. They certainly didn't help the guilt and pain or the transition to motherhood. But instead of rising above and reaching out to the fabulous women around me, I shut everyone out and...wallowed. Wondered what was wrong with me. Wondered why I couldn't just have this motherhood thing come naturally and get on with life, already.
It took nearly that entire first year to emerge from the fog. By that time, though, I think the damage had been done. Where friendships were, polite coolness remained. And I had no one to blame but myself. People can only put themselves out so often before burning the bridge completely. And I understood. Honestly. We were also moving soon after; too soon, I thought, to repair all I had let break around me. So I let it go and I let it be and I regret the mess I made every day since. I would like to think that I would do better, now. I would like to think that others don't hold it against me. I would like to think that I somehow magically communicated my hurt and fear through the alienation. But I'm afraid that isn't what happened. And I'm still so very sorry for it all.
(situation, yaz)
I was just thinking something similar the other day about a job I worked while in NY. I really struggled with it, and regret to this day that I couldn't be more somehow for them, better, given them more of what they needed. I wasn't capable then of giving it, but I still regret to this day that I didn't do better.
ReplyDeleteYowza! I can't believe people actually said things like that to you. I probably would've withdrawn a bit too. I know the first six months of motherhood were no piece of cake for me either. It was all I could do to function. I had no time or attention to give to anyone else. I'm hoping this time around goes a little better.
ReplyDeleteI've never felt like I have many close friends. I have lots of acquaintances, but never quite that "best friend" connection I'm looking for. I often wonder what it is I'm doing wrong. Maybe I need more time to gain some perspective.
I know it doesn't change the past, but at least the perspective that you have now may help you avoid something similar now or in the future.
Did anyone ever apologize to you or check to see how you were really doing? Sometimes a move in life is a huge blessing to start over fresh and begin again.
ReplyDeleteFYI- I think that Sammy has a great mom and is very blessed to be loved so much!
Oh, Christin. I have lots of fun stories about what people said to me after Sammy. It was a lesson in great the stupidity of people!
ReplyDeleteMelanie - I had an amazing number of supportive people surrounding me then. I didn't mean to make it sound as though I didn't. I had a lot of people trying desperately to help, all the time. I just...never let them in. And if they DID manage to break down my barrier and try to find out, I rarely told the truth. I was ALWAYS "fine". Always. I didn't want to burden people.
But, yes. I was truly grateful for the move, the clean break and the starting over. So, so grateful. And the past two years back here have been amazing.
I belong to an LDS infertility support group and we have a term for those kind of comments, WMBI (Well Meaning But Ignorant). You wouldn't believe some of the ridiculous things people (including members) say to infertile couples.
ReplyDeleteWhen people say hurtful things to me I usually try to think to myself "maybe they don't understand our situation" or "maybe they didn't mean it that way". It helps, sometimes.
I'm sorry I didn't know you better during that difficult time.
I'm enjoying our clean break too.
That does help. A few of those comments, though, people knew EXACTLY our situation! But a couple of them came from the same person who, well, often said very ignorant things (this was the woman who told me I just needed to pray hard enough and I would be "cured" of my difficulties and could have a second because she threw up a lot and it worked for her!
ReplyDeleteAnd it's ok. I didn't let a lot of people know me very well then. Which, now, I think is very sad.