Isaac and I started watching The United States of Tara recently. The premise is that Tara had something happen to her somewhere in her past and in order to deal and protect herself, she develops multiple personalities. So interesting.
I read things my ex has to say about me. It's easy sometimes to let him get to me, still, after he unexpectedly dropped back into my life. And I'm not going to lie, some of it hurts. Some of it is complete rubbish; the rantings of an angry man, but others sting. He knows what to say to push my buttons. For example, he can call me most names under the sun and I can laugh it off because we all know it's crazy talk. Angry talk. However, he insults my intelligence or calls me a bad writer and he knows that will make me wince. We both know it's not true, but he knows that's what will hurt. And I sometimes wonder if he's right. If I am horrible. If I am rewriting our history. If there was enough trauma to make me protect myself in ways I don't even realize. And then I remember that he isn't right. I go through journals and talk to people who knew us and I can shake it off and move on. Thankfully, him getting to me is brief and easily cast aside; limited trauma at worst.
What makes trauma unbearable for one and cope-able for another? Is there a limit, a threshold? I've had trauma in my life, but not a lot. I rarely categorize my divorce as trauma...I just don't see that it was. It was difficult and led to feelings of betrayal and fear of abandonment that I had to get a grip on, but trauma? Not really. There were areas in our life that I wouldn't wish on anyone. There were conditions I hated and felt no person should have to deal with, but it was there and real and I HAD to deal. So I did. Until he didn't. And then I gave up. But that wasn't trauma. That was just life.
Was trauma the incident with my first boyfriend? The not so nice one? Possibly. A lot was trauma with him. Trauma that a lot of people don't make it through. So why did I make it through and others don't? What is it about trauma that makes one person react one way and another not? Or, worse, am I exhibiting signs and not even realize it...
Mood song:
(bnl, break your heart)
You touch on a great mystery for me.
ReplyDeleteI am an "adult child of an alcoholic", as they say in therapist's offices. LOL
My brother, who is about 2 years younger than me, is an adult child of the same alcoholic.
And yet our experiences and reactions to them are COMPLETELY different. Our memories of exact same moments are even different.
So bizarre.
Sometimes you're too deep for me.
ReplyDeleteThat's not a bad thing, by the way.
Ah, lbs. I love you too! And sometimes I'm too deep for myself. Which is why you rarely see two of these posts together...
ReplyDeleteHee hee! Thanks for the link to the amusing. It was nice to have a little something to laugh at today. The two things it brought to mind for me:
ReplyDelete1) A Stephanie-Meyerish tendency to only know a few words and use them over and over.
2) Mrs. Incredible stretching her neck out and yelling, "This is NOT ABOUT YOU!"
WV: trith. What I think of it.
If you say the word vapid enough times, it stops sounding like a word...
ReplyDelete..... I missed the link....
ReplyDeleteD
try googling "vapid". it might come up.
ReplyDeleteOh Tawnya! I think about this a lot too! And I thought about it a lot while watching US of Tara. It is very interesting...to think about all the people who go through seemingly identical things and come out with such different views of it all. The only way I can relate is through food. There is just no way that someone could taste the same flavor that I taste when I eat my favorite foods and not like it! We must have different taste buds. I think that life experiences leading up to a possibly traumatic event play some role in ones reaction to it and just our differences in our attitudes, personalities, and determination likely affect it all too. I also wonder about the showing signs and not realizing it thing. I constantly ask my husband if I'm crazy yet! I need him to be honest with me and help me see reality vs. my perspective on reality. He is so good at that and I love him dearly for it. Someday I may venture into the therapy arena, but for now, I like the way my mind is working (or not working, whichever it is) and I don't want to risk collapsing under realities that may have been supressed. There is a reason they call it a "defense mechanism", right?
ReplyDeleteYou were actually in the back of my mind, Ol. I wondered if this is something you ever thought about...esp. after you started watching Tara.
ReplyDelete