I have it in my mind, the woman I believe I am. It's part fantasy, part reality, part really hard on myself. Overall, though, I love the woman I am; the reality. In my 36 years, I think I've learned how to be kind and empathetic. I believe I've figured out how to be a great wife. I'm involved and engaged and working toward what I believe is important. I think I embrace my goals and my passions and know who I want to be.
Spending time in the past, writing stories, can be weird. You start thinking about a younger version of you and wondering if you are so changed, after all. And then something happens to shift your vision. An old contact, a what if resolved, a peek at what might have been. You see, then, how much you have changed, have evolved, have moved from the center. You see yourself years younger, a little less smart and definitely more unsure. You see how people then may have viewed you. You see how people then have shaped you. And you realize that time has, indeed, changed things. And it's ok.
I rail against change often. I hate it. Hate everything about it. But, I know it is necessary. Looking back through my adult life, I see change at every turn and it sometimes surprises me, the things I've done and the things I've been through. I don't think I have done a lot or lived through anything particularly difficult and then...then I remember. Everyone has a story. Everyone lives through change. Everyone has difficult things in life and I'm no exception. All at once, my change, my life, who I am is more clear, takes on greater meaning and aches to continue to be told.
I mostly love the woman I am. I still may not love change, but I think I'm beginning to accept it's place in my world. What I do love, am completely embracing, is my story. It's sometimes difficult to tell it all, but I'm wading through it and learning and embracing the growth it has brought. There is value to it. There is a story to tell and I need to continue to tell it. My story, everyone's story, matters.
Song for today:
(paramore, breathe/until tomorrow)
post script...I LOVED the state of the union last night. LOVED. It was simply perfect. I did not love the first lady's dress, however. I'm thinking she is going to hate the 10 minutes the camera trailed her butt at the beginning, as well. Not great. Especially in high def. Also? Bobble head Biden was distracting. As was all the neon yellow the women were wearing. But the speech was divine. I would love to be a speech writer...