What A Difference A Day Makes...

Fifteen years ago today, I got married for the first time. I remember a horrible blizzard and listening to Radiohead's Creep on the way to the ceremony, but most other details of that day have been lost. I was marrying for a lot of the right reasons (love) but, also, for a lot of the wrong (mad at my former best friend, fear, desperation, resignation). I was so nervous that morning and nearly backed out several times, but (obviously) didn't. Fifteen years ago. Truly and honestly a lifetime.

Some years I remember. Others, it doesn't hit me until well into December. This year, for so many reasons, I remember. I remember for what it was and is in my life: a milestone, a growing period, a trial, a blessing, a memory, a minor blip on the overall landscape, my story, my part of a greater story, a journey to meeting Isaac. Fifteen years ago the map of my life started showing the depth of adulthood. The twists and turns since have only deepened. Fifteen years ago brought me to who I am today. I don't regret it. I don't feel badly toward it. It is what it is and I feel fine.

Music that seems...appropriate, for the day:

(tori amos, china)

The Thoughts Inside My Head

*I'm so incredibly disappointed about the abortion clause in the House health care bill. This may be the first time I've been this profoundly disappointed in the past year. I realize that cooler (saner!) heads may ultimately prevail, but it's still such a blow.

*Sammy has another (still) runny nose. My head MAY explode. I realize that I should just be grateful that it's only a runny nose and he doesn't ususally get sicker than that, but geez! I swear his nose has been running since September. Should he have hit some sort of snot quota by now?

*Isaac's only comment to yesterday's post was "McHottyPants?". Heh. That made me laugh.

*Sammy's been waking up lately saying his feet/legs hurt. I was stumped until I put a pair of his brand new, down past his heels sweats on him yesterday. They now come up to his ankles. These are a month old! I bought them a size up on purpose! I already have a 3 1/2 feet tall THREE year old. NOT STOPPED GROWING since he was born. It must be the milk he's addicted to...

*Sammy was lifting weights with Isaac the other night. He picked up a set and it literally toppled him over backward. He was fine, but I nearly popped a lung from laughing so hard. It was hilarious!

*I have a writting deadline of December 1st. HA!

*We've had 3 people call about our house. One came and looked at it and another should be coming by tomorrow. If all goes well, we'll close on the new house the week of Thanksgiving and move over the next couple of weeks. Did I mention my Dec 1st writing deadline? Ha, again!

*The DC sniper was executed last night. Didn't that seem super fast to anyone else?

*This did my heart good. Such a good step!

*Glee is back tonight. I'm ridiculously excited. Which, I'm sure, makes me wholly pathetic!

*I have apples, but don't want to make a pie. Suggestions?

Song for Sesame Street:

(cake, mahna mahna - Sammy's favorite!)

Don't Stand So Close...

I was reading an article of consequential strangers in our lives and, as I pondered the people I see but don't know, I started thinking of all of the people that were in my life for a brief amount of time that I DID know and how they shaped who I am. This led me to thinking about Professor McHottyPants.

During my last year of college, I was very much in love with one of my professors. I was 24 and so very impressed to have skipped this part of college, when it happened. I walked into that classroom and *BAM*. I don't know how much of this was circumstance (I was separated and miserable) or real (he was just older than me, stinking smart and hot), but I had a raging little crush on him. To make matters worse (or...better), he lived just down the street from me. I could almost see his house from my kitchen window. It wasn't a long crush, I had enough in my life at the time to deal with, but it was an important one. It was the first one to let me know that my heart wasn't completely broken. It was the first one to let me know that after the pain, I would be ok. But on a higher plane, it also let me look into who I really wanted to be.

School was easy for me. I could coast and do the minimum and it was still above average. His classes were different. I actually wanted to do my very best. I actually wanted to excel. We became friends (which was probably inappropriate, but...eh) and I remember talking him one night at, uh, let's say a restaurant, a bunch of us were all at for an outside of class activity brainstorming session. As the evening was drawing to a close, Mr. MHP and I found ourselves talking of life and love and my plans for the future. It was then that I actually saw, for the very first time, what I could be if I just worked a little harder than "coasting". He talked to me like an equal and, at the time, he was the smartest man I knew. Amazing as it was, it was easy to believe I WAS his equal, right there at that moment. And that moment turned into a belief and a conscious desire to be the best, the smartest I could.

I'm certain he wouldn't know who I was should I see him today, but he has a permanent place in my memory. He was the reason I started working in a different field than I had always imagined. He was the reason I unleashed this side of my passions I never knew about. He was the reason my faith and ego didn't completely falter during the most hellish year of my life. He was the reason I picked myself up and stood tall. He was the reason I did anything for a little while after graduation. He was sorely needed in my life at that time. And he knows none of this. Which is as it should be.



(pet shop boys, heart)

Book Review

I just finished Elna Baker's The New York Regional Mormon Singles Halloween Dance. While it's not really an LDS book (I certainly wouldn't want my young teens reading it...and I can't imagine my parents reading it, either!), it's still an LDS book. As in Elna is LDS, lives her religion (mostly) and writes about her stories. However, there's a fair amount of swearing and a whole lot of sex for there not actually being any sex in it and it is, much to LOTS of leaders dismay, I'm assuming, more true to life than anything you can currently pick up at your local church book store.

I don't know what I really expected picking this up. I expected it to be funny, which it was. I expected it to bash the church a lot, which it doesn't. But I never expected it to have so much heart and soul in it. And I didn't expect it to ring as true to my own life as it did. I was reminded of my year after my divorce a lot; dating and trying to explain my divorce to those who would view me as damaged. Trying to find out what I really wanted from life and a partner. And even though her stories are uniquely hers (and mostly uniquely New York), I think her doubts and struggles to find who SHE wants to be while staying true to her religion is a wider story. You don't find many LDS people as honest as she. You don't find many who readily admit they don't have close to any answers and struggle so openly. I found the entire book refreshing, as well as laugh out loud funny.

One of my favorite essays from the book is also part of her stand up. It may be because I enjoy the people who can't say vagina and, well, if that offends you for some crazy reason, you should definitely not watch this clip.


Music for a Monday:

(matt pond PA; sunlight)