Crazy

I'm going through all of my office stuff for the big desk switch over tomorrow. I have a lot of stuff, even though we try to live our lives minimally. I don't know how that happens. I'm going through books on writing and books about motherhood which is a very literal meshing of my wanna-be lives. I go through pens and to do manuals and to do lists. It all seems like items that belong on a grown up desk.

I still feel very young and like I don't know anything about the world most of the time. I was sitting on the stairs last night waiting for Isaac to get out of the bathroom, thinking about how young I feel; like I'm still a kid. The older I get, the more fragile I feel. Is that right? I feel like I need more assurance that my life is real and not crazy. I feel like I need more protection from the bad things out there because I have a beautiful little boy that I don't want knowing they exist. I feel like I know less and do less and watch my days slip by while I stand in the corner, gaping at the horrors and time moving too quickly and wanting to protect not only Sammy, but myself and Isaac. I want a bubble from it all.

When did I make the transition from a desk full of Hello Kitty erasers and scented pencils to a desk full of to do lists and bills? When did I make the transition of the one being held; shielded from the horror to the one being the shield? I still feel young. I still feel. When did this all happen.

Tomorrow I'll go through the notebooks of house ideas and purge. I'll put away the notebook of items from Sammy's early intervention. I'll clean up and organize and make sure Sammy gets time to dance without knowing how crazy this whole world really is.

I'm Sitting This One Out

What is wrong with wanting to be on the sidelines? Preferring to be a spectator? I don't think it's as bad as we've been lead to believe.

Being on the sidelines, you get to gather blog fodder. You get to read. You get to relax and leave the busy of life to others. You have a slower pace and don't have to catch your breath every night before falling into bed. Spectators see, but don't have to do. I think they are given the short end of the stick a little too often. We encourage our children to be aware and present and involved, but what we need more of is bench warmers. Not everyone can be in the thick of it all all the time; we need people who are happy to sit in the bleachers and read Pride and Prejudice for the 13th time.

Or, maybe I'm completely full of it and this is my attempt at a rationalization for my guilty conscience. Maybe my bench is properly warmed and I need to learn to go and do. Then again...

I NEVER...

Things I swore I'd never do:
-marry anyone from Idaho (especially small town southeast Idaho)
-raise my kid in Utah
-be one of "those" moms (substitute whatever you feel you need to in " ")

Things I'm currently doing:
-married to someone from southeast Idaho
-raising my kid in Utah
-am one of "those" moms

That sounds about right...I've since learned to never swear; only hope!

MMMMMM. Subs.

I never thought sub sandwiches were a big deal. Honestly, we never really had them growing up, so I didn't really know. Somewhere around when I lived in Provo I discovered how great they can be. Now I love them and would eat them all the time. The problem is our town doesn't have a GREAT sandwich shop. It makes me sad. A lot. Especially on weeks I have a cold and we tend to eat a little too much take-out. Or something...

So, in honor of this problem and to mourn properly, I give you my three favorite sub shops of all time. In very particular order.

1. Sensuous Subs, Provo, Utah. I hate Provo with everything I have. I feel my soul being sucked out of my body when I near the Utah County line. I know, it's my problem, I get that; I have very bad memories of my time there. However...Provo has some mighty fine eating establishments. I loved that my office used to be located near Los Hermanos, The Roasted Artichoke and Sensuous Subs (no wonder I gained weight that year!). Home of the best subs on earth, I swear. Get The Stimulator with cream cheese or The Succulent Seafood Delight and I'm a happy girl.

2. Phil's Subs, Forest Grove, Oregon - Man was I happy to find this place when we moved. A GREAT local place with fantastic sandwiches. We ate here often.

3. Submarina, various locations in San Diego - Cali sub on white. I love me some fresh California avocado slathered on a sub. Don't even get me started on their deli pickles. Mmmmmmm.

An honorable mention would go out to the one in Rexburg, ID that I currently can't remember the name of. I think it started with a Z...Anyway. I can't find a place here that's good. So I go to Subway and smile and pretend I'm not in mourning. My problems are DIFFICULT, I tell you!

Friday Random

-Swine Flu is sucking my joy for life. Especially since I chose this week to come down with Isaac's cold. I've chosen to look at it as a blessing - making me self quarantine until the flu leaves Utah. I'm trying super hard not to think about it mutating and coming back next fall to kill us all ala 1918.

-Sammy picked up his third stuffed cat (yes, all the same...) this week. My BIL thinks he may be building an army. I'm hesitant to disagree.

-We bought a grown up quilt for our bed this week. Our comforter was choking the sanity out of our marriage and needed to go.

-I'm switching out my desk area and I'm so, so excited. I bought a HUGE table for my desk and a new bookcase and rolling cart drawers for underneath. We'll start the process tomorrow and finish as soon as the desk gets here next week. In the meantime, before pics:

See the bag hanging on the back of the doorknob? Totally filled with yarn and knitting projects. That's right...

The stack of books sitting on the corner of the desk all need to be added to my "books owned" list before being shelved.

-I so didn't read a whole book for April, so no April book review. I am half way through one, though and hopefully will get two in for May.

-Ring of the week:

This is part of what I bought last week with my jewelry store credit from the sale of my wedding ring. I also bought a matching bracelet.



-Song of the week:

(it won't be long, alison moyet - my favorite crank it up and sing it loud song)