Mad World, Indeed

I find myself hesitating on things I'd normally love to blog about. I have one story that is just PERFECT for blogging, but I'm afraid feelings may get hurt. Most I've told the story to think it's not a big deal, but...And then there is another situation that I would love to talk about because, well, the guy's an idiot and deserves to be talked about (that's right...I said it). But if he ever found the site and read it...things could be not so good in happy land after that.

Which is why I start typing and then deleting on a regular basis once I remember that this isn't EXACTLY like chatting with my friends over lunch. I back off from things that are more serious and actual events happening in life and post on the funny or benign or the stories of my past. But it's still wearing on me. I've run out of the funny and benign and my past stories are drying up, leaving me to wonder where the girl is that doesn't care what people think, who blogs to blog, readership be damned (well, at least darned)? I'm not sure. Maybe it is a good sign that I'm thinking before posting and not having to eat my foot as often as I once did, but I do miss being able to openly talk about the now.

So. How about this instead?

I need to find some serenity in my life. I feel as though I have 30,000 flying monkeys in my head at any given point in time. I have four pads of paper plus my ipod on my desk and they ALL contain, or did contain, to do lists. Some overlap and some do not. Some are long term, some short. Some have been on a to do list of mine for years. I need to take all of the things in my head and organize them. I need to prioritize and realize that some of the stuff isn't going to happen and my attention needs to go elsewhere.

Isaac and I were talking on the way home yesterday about some friends we have. They would probably be better friends, but the wife annoys me. We both love the husband, though! Anyway, we were discussing some life changes they recently had and how the wife's vanity got in the way of a really awesome opportunity for them. Because of this, they took a different course and ended up doing something the wife had previously said was beneath her. It was interesting watching this play out and lead us to discuss our life choices and reality check where we were and where we are headed. After this I came to the conclusion that I like our simple life. I like dialing things down to a manageable level and surrounding us with things we love.

Which brings me back to my to do list. In organizing my ideas and thoughts, I want to do the same in that area as I do for our house. I try to only keep things that we love or need and purge the rest. I'm not sure why I haven't done the same with my lists. Do I love or need to organize my 50 recipe files? Yes. Do I need to go through my writing books and transcribe EVERYTHING onto my hard drive? No. I should work on the stuff that could actually turn into something and forget the rest. Above all, though, I need to realize my to do lists are my way of procrastinating. Which is the ONE thing in my life right now that weighs so heavily on my mind all the time. Because if I'm too busy to write, that rejection letter can never come.