(Coronado Island, October 2007)
I am in awe of how much of my life is taken up by the waste of time that is fear or regret. It seems to have always been this way. I never felt pretty enough to hang out with the popular people. I never felt smart enough to hang out with the really smart people. I never felt different enough, funny enough, sweet enough, tough enough. Because of this personality trait, I always either stop short of my goals or sabotage them in some way. It's a constant battle to overcome, or at least temper this, so as not to overwhelm the goodness of life. But sometimes I look back on my regrets and wonder why I didn't do MORE.
I regret not standing up and fighting for my marriage; trying more to make him fix things and get him to stay. I'm certain it would have ended the same, but maybe I should have fought harder. I regret giving up and becomming...unconcerned about it all. I regret giving up my bed and how it almost certainly became new wife's. I regret dating the boy from Wyoming and not the boy from film class. I regret most of my relationship with boyfriend number one. I regret losing touch with friends; especially my best friend. I regret losing friends since, as it turns out, some I let slip by are the ones I could really use now. I regret not being more outgoing or strong. More sure of who I am earlier in life. However, my biggest regret is the time I've spent worrying (and still spend worrying, really) about what others think of me.
As I've grown, my fears have changed. I used to pray every night that our house wouldn't burn down (somehow that was my biggest fear, though I'm not sure why) and now, most of my fears concern Sammy and who he'll become. I see the news reports of criminals and think that they were all sweet babies at some point and I fear. I fear I'll die young and Isaac will forget me and Sammy won't remember me at all. Mostly, though, I fear I'll waste my life in fear.
I am acutely aware of the waste fear and regret are. I know what they do to my life when I allow them in, but there are days I can't stop them. I wish instead of listing the regrets I can't change, I could focus more on the things I did right. The celebrations of smart and witty and perfect I managed to capture. I don't regret playing in the rain. I don't regret telling BF that I loved him and would, always. I don't regret fighting for Isaac after we broke up. I don't regret the time we took before we had Sammy. I don't (usually!) regret telling people how I really feel. I don't regret sleeping on boys' couches and sneaking home past my RA's window. I don't regret hot tubbing in the snow. I don't regret ignoring my to do list to play outside with Sammy. I don't regret kissing on the first date...or before. I don't regret giving my whole heart to my relationships.
Most importantly, though, I don't regret where my life is now nor the woman I've become.
