What Is Love, Anyway...

I've loved three men in my life (as in love, love...to the ends of time kind of love). Two of them were very similar (Isaac, my former best friend); one completely different than my 'norm' (my ex). I came into these relationships at very different points in my life and took what I needed from them all (or still need, in Isaac's case). Now that I'm settled, I look back and see the benefits and drawbacks of these relationships as well as the other, infatuation type relationships I had.

As I mentioned, my niece got married last weekend. I have a nephew who is married, with a baby (they are being sealed tomorrow - so happy for them!). I also have another nephew and another niece who are engaged. I see them and, of course, think they are way too young to get married. Especially when I look at my wedding pictures and they are practically babies in them and I haven't been married that long! However, they are all adults now and quite capable of marrying. I remember when I was 18, 19, early 20s and what I knew about dating and boys and know I was not nearly ready to make decisions about marriage at that age. And yet, I did. Several times.

My first boyfriend in college wasn't the best guy. I don't think I really ever loved him, but I sure did love the idea of him. And his hair. He had GREAT hair. We got engaged quickly and had a pretty stormy relationship for the next six months. My friends hated him and begged me to break everything off. I, of course, did not. I have pretty fuzzy memories of that entire period of time (one of life's tender mercies, I'm sure) and haven't seen him in about 11 or so years. I do know that once we broke up for good, he went home for the holidays and made out with one of my friends. Nice. I know that even after that, I nearly dated him again. On two different occasions. He had a pretty strong hold on me and it took nearly another year to finally shake that hold off completely.

I often wonder what life would be like if I had gone ahead and, at 18, married him. I have no doubts it wouldn't have lasted. I have no doubts that it would have been painful for both of us. We fought constantly. He was pretty controlling, in ways I shudder to remember. No one close to me liked him. He had some pretty strong (and, in my opinion, skewed) views of how things should work. Either the relationship would have self destructed sooner rather than later or I would have been beaten down into submission to the point of giving up. I honestly believe there would have been no middle ground for us.

While we were dating, he wanted me to change majors to "something more practical and quick so you can work until I'm through with school and then you can quit and have babies". He hated how I wanted to write and travel. He had a love / hate relationship with my opinions and feistiness. I'm not really sure what drew us together in the first place. We had very little in common and less to talk about (though...I don't think we did a lot of talking...). I think for me it was this pretty boy who liked me and who had great hair and was a phenomenal kisser. I got to stretch myself and my limits with him. I got to make my own decisions and explore the very beginnings of who I was in college. I, ultimately, got to make some of the biggest mistakes of my life with him. He changed me, deeply, in a lot of ways. Some good, some bad and some helped shape me in ways I still marvel at, 16 years later.

I know he married the girl he dated after me. I know they had kids and that one died. I know he gained a lot of weight, but retained that gorgeous hair. I ran into him about a year after I graduated from college and we talked until his wife made him stop (she didn't like me). It was surreal. That meeting, when I was 24 and divorced, solidified that breaking things off with him for good was the best decision I had ever made. It made me realize that I didn't know anything about real love at 18 and barely in college. It made me grateful for the decisions I had made (yes, even my marriage and divorce) since him. I never hated him, but I went several years where I cringed when I heard his name and couldn't remember for fear of...a lot. That meeting let me acknowledge what he was in my life and the good and bad of how he shaped me. At 18, he was everything to me. At 24, he was merely a dog-eared, stormy page in my history.

Saturday in the Middle of the Week

We had the nicest day off yesterday. I think this may have been the first day off since we moved here that there wasn't something we had to do or some place we had to be. It was nice.

We did some much needed house cleaning (me) and yard cleaning (Isaac and Sammy). Our scary 4 foot weeds are gone, as is a terrifying bush of some sort that had plans to take over the house. I can't wait to have the rest of the plants removed and all of our flower beds barked or rocked over, but that is for another day. It will be so much easier for the short term, though. We are still trying to decide what to do with them for the long term (Lettuce / spinach and some herbs? Lilacs? Leave the bark and ignore them?), but at least for now they don't put our house to shame!

Once it got really warm, we all cleaned up and had lunch. Isaac and I got to veg and clear off the tivo while Sammy slept. After his nap, we decided to go bowling and out to eat. Isaac and I used to go bowling nearly every week when we lived in Portland. It was a fun way to destress every Friday with friends. We got pretty good (well, mostly) and I really missed it while we were in San Diego. Thankfully, the bowling alley is close, so I'm hoping it can become a regular activity again.

This was the first time we've taken Sammy and the first time I've gone since Portland. Sammy loved it. He bowled his first spare with the help of daddy! He thought the giant machine that kept producing balls was the greatest invention ever. I'm just happy with how well he did; it gives me hope for future outings. Now if they just made little baby bowling balls...

As a side note: Sammy's list of words keeps growing. We have decoded a couple of more (mommy and W) and added huh uh and ball in the past couple of days. That brings the list of words he says to: daddy, mommy, ball, no, car, outside, baby, go, uh oh, oh no, yes, huh uh, train, hi, bye, up and possibly light, toy and square. In addition, he can say A, B, I, O, M, W (in addition to being able to identify most other letters on sight, just not say them).

It's Where We've Begun

Step one of Operation Find A Life started today. I met up with our weekly playgroup at a local park. There were only three of us, but it was nice to sit and chat with other moms again. I've missed that. I learned surprising things about some that made me change the short, snap judgements I had made about them. Never a bad thing.

After I got home, I started thinking that must be where most of my awkwardness / bad feelings were coming from on Sunday - I am viewing everyone in the light of being students and newly married and just assuming we wouldn't have anything in common. Big mistake, I know. I remember being asked shortly after we moved to San Diego if we were permanent or renting. When it was known we were renting, one woman said, "well, I won't waste my time getting to know you, then". I had forgotten how much that hurt my feelings until I realized I was doing the same thing in my new ward. Not cool at all.

We have two more weekly activities scheduled for this week - one that we will most definitely go to and one we'll have to see if we make it - and my goal is to not put up that "we won't have anything in common" shield. Sometimes I am my own worst enemy when it comes to making new friends.

Yeah. That Seems About Right.

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Something About Worms...

I am having an "everyone hates me" day. I really hate those days...

My niece got married on Friday in Idaho. I understand it was a beautiful ceremony and from the sneak preview pictures I saw yesterday, she looked lovely. Unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond my control, we couldn't make it to the reception last night as planned. I'm sorry I missed it, but understand things went well.

The wedding brought my mom and dad to town, which is always fun, but even better this trip since they brought my grandma along with them. I love my grandma and it's always nice to see her. She'd never been to Idaho, so I'm glad she got to spend some time with everyone and go a few places she'd never been before. (And I totally forgot to get pics of Sammy with everyone. Even after reminding myself!)

Sammy adored his short time with the grandparents (especially my mom - I've never seen a kid LOVE to be hugged and kissed on more than my little love addict does with my mom. It's unreal and happens every time he sees her! His little face breaks out into a grin and, just like a junkie, can't get enough grandma love. So pathetic!); we just wish they lived closer.

Today was pretty low key. Catching up emails and sleep. Church was nice, but I'm still struggling to remember names, which so rarely happens with me. Isaac is remembering them better than I and that NEVER happens. I'm also still trying to fit in and find some friends and finding that pretty difficult, for whatever reason. Most days I take this in stride, but days like today really highlight how friendless I am up here. Time to pump up my activity schedule and actually put some more effort into fixing that! Or so I hope.