Please Tell Me How

I have a secret few people know. Most people who know me well say I'm confident and strong and well-grounded (among other things! So I have heard, anyway...). However, in all of my 34 years, this is just as difficult now as it was when I was 10 and my best friends broke up with me via a note and dum-dum sucker stuck along the path to the bus stop. I'm pretty sure I still react and obsess the same as I did back then.

Here is the problem. I have an inability to believe people like me. And with that, I always assume that people are just trying to be polite when they talk to me or they talk out of obligation (heaven forbid I actually think someone WANTS to talk to me!). I take things personally and always assume that snide / sarcastic comments are somehow directed toward me - however indirect or illogical. It's not that I think I'm unlikable. Quite the opposite! Once I get comfortable, I'm generally a happy, fun person who listens well and have a lot to offer in a friendship (Man! That sounded like a personal ad!). But...I just assume that I will say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing or annoy someone or won't do something and then offend whomever I'm trying to befriend. Or that once we are friends, what if I come across as needy, so I never call for anything, but then maybe that backfires. This has led to a lot of missed opportunites. A LOT of miscommunication and some lost friendships. A lot of hurt and guilt and wasted energy. I hate that.

I'd truly love to know how others make it all look effortless and a little less like those 10 year olds "breaking up" on the way to school. Sometimes I think it's a miracle I have any friends at all!

Disclaimer: (Yes, I completely realize how self-centered this all sounds and I promise this was not posted to generate comments about me! However, it's been on my mind a great deal over the past couple of weeks due to a miscommunication and I've always found it cathartic to write.)

My One & Only One

Having an only is different. Well, it's not different for me since that is what I know and am used to, but different. I'm sure it's something I'll get used to in time, but with this culture and where we live, it's...different. I'm trying hard to not always feel as though I must defend my 'choice'.

I have had a lot of stupid things said to me since Sammy was born. That we just HAD to adopt, and soon, if I ever wanted him to grow up "normally" (from family). That if I was righteous enough (from strangers) and prayed hard enough, I'd have a second child successfully, doctors' opinions be damned (let's not even begin to discuss how many things are wrong with that statement). That I'm not a real mom and shouldn't participate in mothering conversations because all I've ever known is one kid. I just don't KNOW what being a mother is like. I've had disappointed looks and more subtle digs, as well (friends, well meaning people). It depends on my mood how they affect me, but most of the time I roll my eyes and laugh at the stupidity of people and go about my day.

One thing remains the same through all of this. Sammy. We are raising him to know that being an only isn't bad. It isn't good. It's just different. It just is how it is for our family. However, I worry about these "well meaning people" that surround us. I know it's just a matter of time until someone says something, or their kid repeats something they said and he wonders why his parents weren't righteous enough to give him a sibling. Or why our family isn't 'normal'. Or, or, or...

I don't look forward to those days.

(toddler fashion)

(he's looking so big!)

(figuring out that bed thing)

Ow. Ow Ow Ow. Ow.

Sharon, her family and I spent yesterday gardening (Isaac was slaving away, too, but in a different way). It was a gorgeous day and we got a lot done. We smoothed over the entire garden plot, to make it as even as possible and then set blocks and wood around it. We got four rows of strawberries planted, bought seeds for a bunch of things that will need to be planted this week and installed a clothes line at both of our houses. Whew! At the end of the day, we were all smelly and tired and sore and sunburned. However, they had it worse since this was on top of all of their work Friday, tilling the garden and getting it ready for everything we did yesterday. The bonus to all of this was watching Sammy get over his fear of nature at record speed and deciding the slide was the greatest thing ever. He has been begging to go outside ever since! (No, Sandra - this doesn't mean he's made peace with dirt and mud...he still avoids that and plays carefully not to get dirty!)

Even though I am sore, this is one of the main reasons I was excited to move back. I love that Sharon has a yard big enough (and the inclination!) to share a garden. Our yard is too small. So we will share the work and the expense and learn to use all sorts of veggies and fruits and then we'll can the leftovers for the winter. I feel so darn self-sufficient! (Aren't you proud, Mom & Dad? We voluntarily spent a Saturday in a garden??)

Isaac's first full week of work was better than expected. It'll be nice to get 5 or 6 weeks down and try to figure out an average of how business will be. Tuesday he starts his days at an additional store, so that should only help.

Church today was good. Our ward is small. Tiny. I kept waiting for it to fill up and the overflow to open, but I just don't think that will ever be an issue. It'll be something to get used to! It's a very student oriented / transient ward and I think I heard "oh, you bought a house! So you are permanent!" at least a dozen times. Who knew that would bring so much joy? The Bishop doesn't even live in our ward boundaries. That's how bad the "non-permanent" issue is! However, all in all, the ward seems nice, I only rolled my eyes a couple of times (so good!), Sammy hates nursery, and I finally think I'm in the 'older' category in a ward instead of the younger, transient one myself. What a different feeling!