Mothering

From the very first moments of motherhood, I became what I feared: a worrier to a degree never before seen in my life. Was he eating enough? Was he pooping enough? Why wasn’t he focusing on me? Should he be standing up so soon on his own? Why is he skipping crawling? And now, later: Why isn’t he talking? What’s wrong? Don’t run so fast, don’t jump from there, don’t lick your fingers while they are covered in dirt, don't, don't, don't... It’s become exhausting.

I fear for his future. I worry about the things he'll face that I can't even imagine. I worry about the things he'll face that I CAN imagine. I hover around him, trying to encourage him to talk, to slow down, to just be a baby for a second longer. I get frustrated when I hear other kids around his age talking. That’s when I take one step toward "late talker" and 20 seconds later, I'm 1,000 steps away at "totally mute, autistic and living with us the rest of his life". And then I wish I could fast forward five years and see what's going to happen (I did say I read the end of books first, right?).

There are some nights that I drop onto the bed, tired and complain to Isaac that I "just can't do this anymore. I don't have the strength and ability to be a mom and I made a huge, horrible mistake". These nights I don't think I'm strong. I don't think I'm good at this. I don't think I'm doing the right things. I feel his limitations are my fault: if I hadn't gotten sick when I had him, if I hadn't scrubbed the tub that one time and inhaled fumes - my gosh, I should have used more natural cleaning products sooner! It's a cycle I get into and Isaac has gotten good at pulling me out. He lists the things I do well. He points out that our son is happy and healthy. He holds me and comforts me and talks me up from the bottomless pit of worry I create.

And there, in that brief moment I don't worry. I see Sammy laughing and running without fear. I hear him jabber and point at the lights and play with his cars. I see his face light up when he sees his monkey, his best friend. It's sweet and it's innocent and I wish, briefly, that mothering came as easily. Luckily, my face also lights up when I see him, so I guess we're even on one thing.

Tag

10 years ago I was: that was...March 1998. I was 24. Oh! I had just graduated from college and was getting ready to move to Provo for my first "real" job. Isaac & I had our first date after knowing each other about 11 months. We went to the movies with my sister and brother-in-law and saw Gattaca.

Things on my to-do list today: Pay bills. Call & check prices for cable, internet & phone in Utah. Set them up. Put together some more boxes. Put together a list of magazine subscriptions to change my address on. More mom stuff. More moving stuff. Although I'm pretty sure most of that is getting pushed aside and I'll be playing with Sammy & reading most of the day.

4 things I would do if I became a billionaire: Not worry that we keep getting denied for personal health insurance (stupid self employment!). Make sure my family is comfortable. Save. Give. Buy a pair of fantastic shoes. Travel. Buy an apartment in NYC.

3 bad habits: I have so many...I worry too much. WAY too much. I get very insecure when it comes to personal relationships. I'm too loud and opinionated. I'm nosy. I will do anything to get out of visiting teaching.

5 jobs I have had: Office manager. Waitress. Public Relations specialist. Political reporter. Freelance writer / editor.

6 things people don't know about me:

1. Isaac & I have several "wedding rings" each. We wear which ever one fits our mood, but our real rings are tucked away in the safe. Grand total of all of our rings is about $50. Love it.

2. I have OCD. Seriously. As in officially diagnosed. Brings endless entertainment for my family.

3. I hate hate HATE surprises. Have known to become very mad when presented with one.

4. I read the end of books first.

5. Chocolate milk needs to be about equal parts chocolate & milk. The stronger the better.

6. I don't have a problem saying no. To anyone about anything. And if something / one isn't working out, I can end it fairly easily.

7. And 1 bonus from Isaac: I have an "uncanny" ability to list random media trivia no matter how obscure. (Though I don't think I'm nearly as good as others I know!)


Sorry. Apparently not being able to count / follow directions should have been listed under "bad habits"! I tag whomever wants to share!

New Shooz

I have been cleaning and purging and have gotten rid of several pairs of old shoes. Well, of course a move is a good reason to replenish those shoes! I think I MAY have overdone it, though... My goal was to have less shoes. I may have more shoes after this little sale. Hmmm.

Pending summer means new flip flops. And how cute are these? (from Famous Footwear)

These were my other half of Famous Footwear's Buy One Get One 1/2 off. I'm happy to say that the two pair weren't very expensive after the sale price, the BOGO, a coupon code and my reward bucks. Yay! Totally economical...

Skechers was having a sale. And cute little skulls? Who can resist? (Ok, probably a lot of people, but not me!)

I totally justified these because they have traction for all that snow...

And these. There is NO justification for these. Other than, well, leopard print wedges! Seriously! (Diane, these are the ones I was telling you about.) Yay for skechers sales!

Cydney blogged about these a couple of weeks ago. These were definitely not on sale and were a total very-unlike-me splurge, but I LOVE them. (Bobbi Blu at Zappos)

Bittersweet Update

Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts & prayers for Sharon.

This morning, after they put her under, the surgeon did another echo. It was concluded that she didn't need the surgery after all. Well, she'll still need the replacement at some point, just not today. However, they aren't sure why she isn't feeling well, so she was scheduled for more tests once she woke up.

As for now, she'll be back home tonight without the battle wounds she expected. We just need to adjust ours prayers a little to help her through this and help her doctors to figure out why, if not her heart, she isn't feeling well.

Prayers

Sharon & Sammy, Dec. 2006

My sister, my best friend, is having open heart surgery tomorrow morning. It's been known about for awhile, but we were hoping it would happen after our move so I would be nearby to help my brother-in-law and their kids. It's killing me to be so far away and not be able to help. If you have a second, would you please keep Sharon and her family in your prayers tomorrow? Here's praying for a successful surgery and speedy recovery and that she is back home on the way to feet propped-tv watching goodness by this weekend!

You'll Dance To Anything...

...by They Might Be Giants

We have a dancer, which cracks me up. All I have to do is pretend to sing and he'll dance or headbang. This, for your enjoyment! (he's got that deacon shuffle DOWN)